When you look in the mirror

So… I was sitting in a coffee shop this morning studying and what not and this song came on my MP3 player and it made me think of Chad…

You were almost kind, you were almost true
Don't let me see that other side of you
You have learned in time that you must be cruel
I'll have to wait to get the best of you
Poison in everything you say
Don't you, don't you?
Wonder what difference does it make......Either way
You were almost kind, you were almost true
Why give away that other side of you
Happens every time, so it must be true
Step on a kid, he'll grow up hating you
Poison in everything you say
Don't you, don't you
Wonder what difference does it make....Either way
Were you ever kind, were you always cruel?
Who's ever seen that other side of you?
Happened every time, so it must be true?
Where did you learn it's either him or you?
You were almost kind, you were almost true
Don't let me see that other side of you
You have learned in time that you must be cruel
I'll have to wait to get the best of you
Poison in everything you say
Don't you, don't you?
Wonder what difference does it make......Either way

Part of me wonders if its ok for me to still think about that situation. I’m certainly not as haunted as I once was by it, but every once in awhile it gets me and I have to pause and get back on track… I think that’s all I have to say about that.

This weekend was crazy, lots of work, a little partying and HMH lunch and bookclub. I so look forward to that every month and I really wish that I could have been more together with it. Like more not tired ;).

I did a lot of organizing in the new apartment last night and it felt really good to get some stuff settled. I am still waiting on Steve to go through his clothes and some other stuff so that we can get completely organized and also find a place for everything. I’m so ready to be settled. Today we are hopefully going to move all that furniture, I’m not looking forward to it a bit, but I’m ready to be done. I’ve done a lot of thinking about the whole Steve and I situation… I still have a lot of fears, but then again I don’t. Things do pop into my head sometimes, I often wonder when its not going to be fun anymore, when the magic is going to go out of it. Is it possible for it to not? I don’t know, if I did, I think that Absinthe and I would still be together, but then again, we really had different paths. But there are a lot of things about Bo and I that are so different. Like the fact that the moment I saw him I knew I was going to be with him. I had such a crush on him long before it seems he even knew I existed, but for some reason it became a productive crush. There isn’t really anything about him that bothers me, I don’t have any complaints, and everything that goes on between us is out in the open, nothing is really swept under the rug. I have a big appreciation for that.

I guess its kind of boring and it gets old to hear about Steve. I’m waiting to really get on someone’s nerves, but he and I are just so right now and I can’t really think of anything else but that sweet boy. Hmmm…

So, in the spirit of things

Craigslist best of:
On a first date:
I will not put out, although, upon cessation of said date I will violently rape my Rabbit and envision your hands and mouth all over my body. We may discuss this in the future, if I decide you're worthy of more conversation.

In an effort to further my not-putting-out goal, I will not shave and will wear mis-matched socks. Just remember this if you respond to this ad, we go out, and you are having dirty thoughts over dinner. UNSHAVEN/MISMATCHED (just repeat it to yourself. You may be surprised how quickly wood will disappear)

I will engage you in conversation, perhaps shock you with hilarious stories of my past. I may use "big" words, and I refuse to dummy down for anyone.

I will make you laugh, assuming you have a brain and the personality to "get it".

I won't order a salad, nor will I order the most expensive entree. If I am hungry, I will eat.

I may call you the following day. I may not.

On the second date:
I may, in fact, put out. Why? Because I find few people meet/exceed my expectations enough to be granted a second date. I'm not promising I'll shave (kidding).

We will discuss the ridiculous happenings in both of our worlds since the last time we spoke.

I may ask you to leave following copulation. I may snuggle. I own a vagina and cannot decide at the present time how I will feel/react after sex.

Yes, I just typed all of that. Now, here's where the prospect pool will thin accordingly...

YOU MUST BE
of the caucasian persuasion
funny
loquacious
driven
single (that means not LEGALLY married)
under 38
over 23
not a baby-daddy
drug/disease free (everyone knows you can tell if someone has AIDS by looking)
sarcastic
well-mannered, for appearances
able to leave work at work. this implies employment
educated (beauty school and diesel college do not count)
NOT AN AUDIO ENGINEER/SINGER-SONG WRITER/OTHER MUSICAL FAILURE
act like a man. If I wanted a questionable fag, I'd date a girl. They smell better, anyway.

I AM...
Over one-night stands. I'm not in college anymore, and thank God Girls Gone Wild never visited back in my hay-day.

Very comfortable in my skin. Unafraid. Equally unashamed.

Not looking to get married, but over the fuck buddy status.

Able to say "no" and scream "yes".

Calm, collected, logical, rational, politically incorrect, and witty

TOGETHER, WE WILL
bowl
play trivia
act like raging dickheads in public establishments
giggle at midgets
fornicate regularly
discuss books
drink excessively if the mood strikes, and it will. Often
laugh at others and harder at ourselves
one-up eachother

WE WILL NOT
involve species other than homosapiens in our bedroom routine.
yell, argue, at like gigantic three-year-olds when we're upset
be dishonest
care what everyone else thinks
do any activity with one another's family more than once a month
act like something doesn't bother us, when it does
throw low-blows in times of frustration

Ok, I needed to start out with that because its funny, and amusing and I totally agree with most of it. This day has started out terribly. I locked myself out of Steve's apartment, with a poster in there that I needed for a class today. That I could absolutely not go without. Then I had to break into his apartment, hoping all the while that I wasn't caught breaking into his apartment and praying that no one would call the cops on me. But, to break into his apartment, I had to drive all the way home, retrieve the right tools and then I had to drive all the way back, hoping to make it to class on time, after breaking in to the apartment.
On top of it all, I've got more to do that I would like to even discuss, and I keep forgetting really really important things. I get really mad at myself when I forget important things. I'm trying to move, I'm trying to study for a test while all the while keeping up my other commitments to classes. I'm trying to stay a little sane and not over analyze things. I'm trying to be at work when I'm supposed to, and keep on top of the days that I need off. I'm trying to get a book read for the next weekend because I have that commitment too. I'm trying to hold two group projects together, and the groups which include three other people have become the group of Hannah "the flaky, and insane" one. I'm trying to keep on my spiritual/philosophical awakening. I'm also trying to keep up a relationship that is new and still needs work to keep it going and be successful. I also try my damndest to fit in some food and water and sleep, but I'm even forgetting about those important little details. I'm starting to get burnt out, and I'm really wishing that I could go away and hide for a couple of days, from everyone. From work, school, friends, family, everyone, just for a couple of days. And then I can come back hopefully a little saner than I was before. I don't know what to do. I don't have much faith in my ability to keep it together. My track record isn't great for such things, you know, getting sick and all, I really believe is a result of stress and inability to deal without knowing that I had an inability to deal because I thought being aware of everything and introspective and whatnot was a way of dealing. I'm nuts, and crazy and going insane as we speak, and that makes me feel even worse because then I feel like a complete failure pretty much at everything I do. I don't really have one good thing in my life that I'm able to say I'm really good at because I don't have the energy to put completely into anyone thing. I'm scrambling, trying to balance and its all going to end up a huge mess. Just a big fucking huge mess and I'm going to end up all alone and a loser. That is all.

Train tracks and swings

10-2-06 8:55 am

What to say, what to say… Feeling kinda funky this morning and I’m not sure why. It could be because I’m being empathic and feeling other people’s stuff.

This weekend was so good. It was really nice to go home and be. I went to sleep Friday night at 8, I was so tired. And then the whole family went hiking up at the Fish Hatchery in Pisgah all day Saturday. It was incredible, I had told my mom that I wanted to go find some waterfalls, and we did. And we sat underneath that waterfall and ate our incredibly gourmet bagged lunches that my mom made for us. I could have fallen asleep for a long time sitting down there. It was so serene, so peaceful. So… Right… And I wished a lot that Steve could be there, that I could share that side of me with him. When I got home yesterday we spent the evening together, wandering around Pullen Park and the train tracks, and we went and got some food from work, and we grilled steak and sea bass and drank wine and ate so well. We went and saw Jet Li’s Fearless, which was pretty good, except that I think the Cabernet went straight to my head and I was a bit intoxicated throughout the movie. But we got home after a very chilly ride and crawled in bed together. It was rather natural; I ended up falling asleep in his arms and waking up a couple of times in the night to him kissing me on my forehead. I know I was dreaming about things, probably talking in my sleep, and snoring, but not one harsh word, just, a kiss. I feel like such a weirdo, talking to him about my life, because I’ll sit and blabber for like 5 minutes and then realize what I’ve subjected him to. But he just listens and talks back to me, and doesn’t look at me like I’m nuts. (Which I am)

So, this morning, I don’t know why I’m down. Perhaps I’m just tired. I am losing my excitement about school, but I’m working on it, I need to get back on a schedule, for sleeping and studying. Its difficult when you are getting to know someone and you want to spend absolutely all your time with them. But, I’ll get there, because I have to…

The tears I've cried
aren't for me.
These tears are for you,
for your own wasted life.
They are for all your lies
that become your truths
and the reality you won't face.