Take a deep breath...

Hey Mama,
I've been thinking about you a lot lately too. This semester has been terrible. I've been trying really hard to keep my head above water but I haven't been able to maintain any good grades in any of my classes. Two weeks ago I started having migraines again, on a daily basis, and I can't seem to get the neurologist to call me back. I missed two tests last week because I was so sick, and I don't think there is any possible way I can finish this semester. I haven't registered for classes next semester because this semester has gone so terribly. I don't think I have it in me anymore to continue on this path, its not what I want to do anymore, and while I understand that some classes are hard, school shouldn't be so insufferable.
I don't know what my plans are at this point, I'm going to start working more, and look at maybe taking a class or two at Wake Tech. I have a lot of options, and while I'm not going about life in a conventional way I believe that its important for me to maintain some sort of health and happiness.
I've never been so disappointed in myself, ever. And I know that you and Papa will be incredibly disappointed in me. If you would like I can work on paying you back tuition for last semester.
I'm happy with everything else in my life, but its a struggle to get up every morning and go to classes which I know I don't have the motivation or intelligence to succeed in. I thought this semester I would be able to prove to myself that I could achieve, and from the first test in my classes I let myself down. Since then I've developed the worst test anxiety I ever thought was possible, and I can't seem to retain any information. I feel broken.
I don't know what I expect from you guys. I know you love me no matter what, but disappointment is hard to swallow. I need you to have faith that I am going to do something with myself, and that one day I will be successful. I'm not giving up, but I need to recognize some things about my abilities.
I've been looking at all kinds of curriculums at Wake Tech: EMS, Medical Lab Technologies, Nursing, Phlebotomy. I just have to find something that I have a passion for again, maybe all the good stuff will come back if that happens, if I find a passion. I don't want to be numb and unhappy for the rest of my life like most people. At this point I'm rambling. I'll understand if you're mad at me, and you don't understand, but I love you and Papa more than anyone in the world. And I'm thankful that you taught me to have courage, and you've let me follow my heart most of my life even if you didn't agree with it. I know I'm young, and I have so much to learn, but I am young, and I have so many options. I won't ask you or Papa to pay for anymore school, and maybe I can get a big enough raise at The Fresh Market to completely support myself if that's what you want. Just let me know, I won't be hurt. I love you.

The response:
#1. We are not mad or disappointed in you.
#2. You do not lack intelligence! or ability!
#3. Find another neurologist who will give you the Topamax back.
#4. I would like to see you try to finish the semester if you possibly can - even with low grades.
#5. Have you looked at careers in radiology?

Papa said he wished you were here so he could give you a big hug. We are so sorry that you are having a hard time. Most people experience such crises at least one time. You are just having yours while you are very young. Look at Laura now going back to school to do what she wants.

Maybe you just need to wait and find out what you want to do.

I knew something was wrong when you stopped communicating with me. I am so sorry that you have been carrying this burden all semester without sharing it with us. You are right. We love you anyway!

We talked last night and want you to find your path. Not finishing school right now is not the end of the world. Not chasing your dreams might be much worse. Papa says we can still help you with rent. If you are out of school, insurance becomes more of a problem. You need a job with benefits eventually.

Don't cut yourself off from us. We miss you. I want you to try to spend a little time at home soon. Last year ended in disaster. I don't want things to stay that way.

Papa is very concerned and not at all judgemental.

This is rambling too, and I will probably think of things I want to tell you. Must get back to work. I love you. We believe in you, whatever you choose to do. Love MOM


I've never been so surprised, or felt so lucky in my life. They didn't overeact like I thought they would, they didn't try to take away my freedom. They just said that they love me, and it will be ok.

12-3-06 2:25 pm

How did it get to be December already?? There’s so much to do, and I feel like I’m falling apart and also figuring out what’s going on. The past week or so I’ve been in quite the slump and I’ve been trying really hard to figure it out, I’ve been taking out my stress and depression on Steve I think. That pushed him away for a couple of days and that just made things worse. But we seem to be back on track now. Today was HMH lunch today and that was really nice, I just feel really disconnected, and I don’t think its because I’m being a bad friend, it could be. But I just don’t have time and they have jobs and stuff now and are a lot less flexible, and I don’t know. Don’t really feel like I belong anymore, I’ve felt that way before, but this time there seems to be something to it. I’m just being humored. I feel like I’m having to prove myself to everyone, including Steve’s friends and I’m lost.

There are so many things going on in my head and I’m talking it out to myself. I hate school. I don’t think I can do it, I don’t think I have the intelligence or motivation anymore. I just don’t have it in me. I love microbiology, but I don’t really want to have to go to more school after undergrad, and I don’t think I want to be stuck in the mundane life of labwork for the rest of my life. There’s just no passion there anymore. And I feel like I’m a terrible person for not being able to do it, but I just can’t keep pushing myself. I’m so unhappy, and so broken when it comes to school. I can’t believe I let this beat me, I can’t believe I can’t get back on track after being sick. What a loser. I’m going to have to tell my parents about this, and they are going to be so disappointed in me. But I can’t keep this up for them, I can’t finish something that is so tortuous for them. I just don’t know what to say. I have passions that lay elsewhere. I would love to be a nurse, an EMT a PA. I like medicine, always have, but never thought that was an option. But I’m going to explore my options, see what Wake Tech has to offer. It hurts to write this out, put it in words, then its real.

I think there’s something really wrong with me. I think I’m incredibly unstable and in a constant uphill battle to be happy. Is that normal? There’s so much joy in life, so many simple pleasures but they seem so dampened by the fact that I can’t seem to make life work like society wants me to. I have no idea what I want to do… Now I know how Matt feels, but he’s found the courage to do what he wants, and he doesn’t lose himself in changing what he wants to do. He’s ok with that, and I’ve defended him so much and been so proud of him for following his heart. Maybe I should start taking my own advice, I’m 22 I have the rest of my life to live. I don’t necessarily have to have a bachelor’s degree to be on the same level as my friends.

I held you like a lover

Happy and an elbow in the appropriate place

And we ignored our others

Happy plans with a delicate look upon your face

Our bodies moved in heart

Hurting parts of your garden with no room for a party

In a place where no one knows what we have done

Do you come together ever with him?

Is he dark enough, enough to see your light?

Do you brush your teeth before you kiss?

Do you miss my smell?

Is ha bold enough to take you on?

Do you feel like you belong?

Does he drive you wild or just mildly free?

What about me?

Well, you held me like a lover

Sweaty hands and a foot in the appropriate place

We used cushions to cover happy glands in the mild eschew of our disgrace

And our minds pressed in guard while our flesh disregarded the lack of space

For the lighthearted in the boom that beats our drum

I know I make you cry, I know sometimes you wanna die

But do you really live without me

So be free, if not leave him for me

Before one of us has accidental babies

You can hold her hand
And show her how you cry
Explain to her your weakness
So she understands:
And then roll over and die!

You can brave decisions
Before you crumble up inside
Spend your time asking
Everyone else's permission:
And then run away and hide!

You can sit on chimneys
And put some fire up your ass!
No need to know
What you're doing or waiting for:
But if anyone should ask?
Tell them I've been licking coconut skins
And we've been hanging out!
Tell them God just dropped by to forgive our sins
And relieve us our doubt

You can hold her eggs
But your basket has a hole
You can lie between her legs
And go lookin' for:
Tell her you're searching for her soul!

You can wait for ages
And watch your compost turn to coal
But time is contagious:
Everybody's getting old.

You can sit on chimneys
And put some fire up your ass!
No need to know
What you're doing or looking for:
But if anyone should ask?
Tell them I've been cooking coconut skins
And we've been hanging out!
Tell them God just dropped by to forgive our sins
And relieve us our doubt.

Grey, grey room

I’ve been pretty depressed and in just a generally bad mood the past couple of days. I don’t really know what’s up except that I was and am very much PMSing. It’s a terrible feeling indeed. I also realized that I’m not getting enough alone time. Its important to me to have time to write and listen to music and be by myself, and I just haven’t been giving myself the chance to do that. This past weekend was tons of fun, but fun doesn’t replace my soul time. Friday night Steve had a show and it was tons of fun. I wish that I had some friends there with me, for the selfish reason that I hate standing by myself in a big crowd, but also because I really want to share my new life with them. I don’t know, Nate and Emily and Noel showed up, but I see them super often, they are Fresh Market folk so… Then Saturday night Aaron and Mike came over and we grilled out and had a fabulous dinner, it was really nice to be able to show Aaron the new place and he loved it. But it was also nice to just have some chill time with friends and Steve. I love Steve’s brother and friend Al, and they come over a lot but I’m still adjusting to lots of things and I feel a little disconnected. No, I’m not complaining about anything, just making a statement about where I am in life. On top of the craziness this weekend, Steve and I haven’t been seeing very much of each other, we finally had a night to ourselves last night, but that after working all weekend and both of us being incredibly exhausted, and me being in a terrible mood didn’t help.

I feel like I’ve lost touch with some of my principles and some of the things I’m trying to live by. I keep worrying what Steve thinks of me. That’s not my problem, if he doesn’t like the way I am, that’s ok. All I’ve got is me. That’s all I can give. And Steve absolutely has nothing to do with it, he’s so funny because I’ll complain about something about myself and he just won’t even respond. I’ve done a lot of thinking about that, most people would just say, “No, you look great.” Or something else but that just leads to a person needing more and more assurance that everythings ok. It doesn’t matter what they say it won’t change how you really feel about yourself. You have to be the one that’s encouraging and loving of yourself. And we have to have the trust in others that if something we do or say is not ok with them they will let us know. But we have to be able to communicate those same things ourselves. If we don’t, its not their fault, its our problem entirely. But on top of that, its important to remember that just because we make a request for someone not to do or say something, that we can’t have any expectations about the outcome. That’s the difference I think, that’s where its not trying to change someone. So incredibly important to remember.

So, at this time of month, I’m more vulnerable than ever. Emotionally I’m hurting, and there is really no reason except that my uterus and hormones hate me. I have to remember that in two days, all the eyebrow wrinkles and feeling fat are gonna go away. For the first time in my life I haven’t been feeling fat all the time, I’ve felt beautiful all the time, so when the fatness comes around I don’t know how to deal with it and it just gets worse. Bad cycle yo.

I needed to write, I needed the time that it took me to walk to class this morning to listen to my new cds, which are incredible by the way. I needed to be out of the house for a bit and in my head. I feel much better now, and I can go back to Steve and not feeling like I’m taking a bunch of nonsense out on him. He doesn’t deserve anything but the real Hannah, not the baggage, not the bullshit, not the periodness. Just the happy Hannah that I’ve really become, the one that loves herself and life in generally. Speaking of which, I love all of you who read this so much, and I miss you all like crazy. Mwah!

When you look in the mirror

So… I was sitting in a coffee shop this morning studying and what not and this song came on my MP3 player and it made me think of Chad…

You were almost kind, you were almost true
Don't let me see that other side of you
You have learned in time that you must be cruel
I'll have to wait to get the best of you
Poison in everything you say
Don't you, don't you?
Wonder what difference does it make......Either way
You were almost kind, you were almost true
Why give away that other side of you
Happens every time, so it must be true
Step on a kid, he'll grow up hating you
Poison in everything you say
Don't you, don't you
Wonder what difference does it make....Either way
Were you ever kind, were you always cruel?
Who's ever seen that other side of you?
Happened every time, so it must be true?
Where did you learn it's either him or you?
You were almost kind, you were almost true
Don't let me see that other side of you
You have learned in time that you must be cruel
I'll have to wait to get the best of you
Poison in everything you say
Don't you, don't you?
Wonder what difference does it make......Either way

Part of me wonders if its ok for me to still think about that situation. I’m certainly not as haunted as I once was by it, but every once in awhile it gets me and I have to pause and get back on track… I think that’s all I have to say about that.

This weekend was crazy, lots of work, a little partying and HMH lunch and bookclub. I so look forward to that every month and I really wish that I could have been more together with it. Like more not tired ;).

I did a lot of organizing in the new apartment last night and it felt really good to get some stuff settled. I am still waiting on Steve to go through his clothes and some other stuff so that we can get completely organized and also find a place for everything. I’m so ready to be settled. Today we are hopefully going to move all that furniture, I’m not looking forward to it a bit, but I’m ready to be done. I’ve done a lot of thinking about the whole Steve and I situation… I still have a lot of fears, but then again I don’t. Things do pop into my head sometimes, I often wonder when its not going to be fun anymore, when the magic is going to go out of it. Is it possible for it to not? I don’t know, if I did, I think that Absinthe and I would still be together, but then again, we really had different paths. But there are a lot of things about Bo and I that are so different. Like the fact that the moment I saw him I knew I was going to be with him. I had such a crush on him long before it seems he even knew I existed, but for some reason it became a productive crush. There isn’t really anything about him that bothers me, I don’t have any complaints, and everything that goes on between us is out in the open, nothing is really swept under the rug. I have a big appreciation for that.

I guess its kind of boring and it gets old to hear about Steve. I’m waiting to really get on someone’s nerves, but he and I are just so right now and I can’t really think of anything else but that sweet boy. Hmmm…

So, in the spirit of things

Craigslist best of:
On a first date:
I will not put out, although, upon cessation of said date I will violently rape my Rabbit and envision your hands and mouth all over my body. We may discuss this in the future, if I decide you're worthy of more conversation.

In an effort to further my not-putting-out goal, I will not shave and will wear mis-matched socks. Just remember this if you respond to this ad, we go out, and you are having dirty thoughts over dinner. UNSHAVEN/MISMATCHED (just repeat it to yourself. You may be surprised how quickly wood will disappear)

I will engage you in conversation, perhaps shock you with hilarious stories of my past. I may use "big" words, and I refuse to dummy down for anyone.

I will make you laugh, assuming you have a brain and the personality to "get it".

I won't order a salad, nor will I order the most expensive entree. If I am hungry, I will eat.

I may call you the following day. I may not.

On the second date:
I may, in fact, put out. Why? Because I find few people meet/exceed my expectations enough to be granted a second date. I'm not promising I'll shave (kidding).

We will discuss the ridiculous happenings in both of our worlds since the last time we spoke.

I may ask you to leave following copulation. I may snuggle. I own a vagina and cannot decide at the present time how I will feel/react after sex.

Yes, I just typed all of that. Now, here's where the prospect pool will thin accordingly...

YOU MUST BE
of the caucasian persuasion
funny
loquacious
driven
single (that means not LEGALLY married)
under 38
over 23
not a baby-daddy
drug/disease free (everyone knows you can tell if someone has AIDS by looking)
sarcastic
well-mannered, for appearances
able to leave work at work. this implies employment
educated (beauty school and diesel college do not count)
NOT AN AUDIO ENGINEER/SINGER-SONG WRITER/OTHER MUSICAL FAILURE
act like a man. If I wanted a questionable fag, I'd date a girl. They smell better, anyway.

I AM...
Over one-night stands. I'm not in college anymore, and thank God Girls Gone Wild never visited back in my hay-day.

Very comfortable in my skin. Unafraid. Equally unashamed.

Not looking to get married, but over the fuck buddy status.

Able to say "no" and scream "yes".

Calm, collected, logical, rational, politically incorrect, and witty

TOGETHER, WE WILL
bowl
play trivia
act like raging dickheads in public establishments
giggle at midgets
fornicate regularly
discuss books
drink excessively if the mood strikes, and it will. Often
laugh at others and harder at ourselves
one-up eachother

WE WILL NOT
involve species other than homosapiens in our bedroom routine.
yell, argue, at like gigantic three-year-olds when we're upset
be dishonest
care what everyone else thinks
do any activity with one another's family more than once a month
act like something doesn't bother us, when it does
throw low-blows in times of frustration

Ok, I needed to start out with that because its funny, and amusing and I totally agree with most of it. This day has started out terribly. I locked myself out of Steve's apartment, with a poster in there that I needed for a class today. That I could absolutely not go without. Then I had to break into his apartment, hoping all the while that I wasn't caught breaking into his apartment and praying that no one would call the cops on me. But, to break into his apartment, I had to drive all the way home, retrieve the right tools and then I had to drive all the way back, hoping to make it to class on time, after breaking in to the apartment.
On top of it all, I've got more to do that I would like to even discuss, and I keep forgetting really really important things. I get really mad at myself when I forget important things. I'm trying to move, I'm trying to study for a test while all the while keeping up my other commitments to classes. I'm trying to stay a little sane and not over analyze things. I'm trying to be at work when I'm supposed to, and keep on top of the days that I need off. I'm trying to get a book read for the next weekend because I have that commitment too. I'm trying to hold two group projects together, and the groups which include three other people have become the group of Hannah "the flaky, and insane" one. I'm trying to keep on my spiritual/philosophical awakening. I'm also trying to keep up a relationship that is new and still needs work to keep it going and be successful. I also try my damndest to fit in some food and water and sleep, but I'm even forgetting about those important little details. I'm starting to get burnt out, and I'm really wishing that I could go away and hide for a couple of days, from everyone. From work, school, friends, family, everyone, just for a couple of days. And then I can come back hopefully a little saner than I was before. I don't know what to do. I don't have much faith in my ability to keep it together. My track record isn't great for such things, you know, getting sick and all, I really believe is a result of stress and inability to deal without knowing that I had an inability to deal because I thought being aware of everything and introspective and whatnot was a way of dealing. I'm nuts, and crazy and going insane as we speak, and that makes me feel even worse because then I feel like a complete failure pretty much at everything I do. I don't really have one good thing in my life that I'm able to say I'm really good at because I don't have the energy to put completely into anyone thing. I'm scrambling, trying to balance and its all going to end up a huge mess. Just a big fucking huge mess and I'm going to end up all alone and a loser. That is all.

Train tracks and swings

10-2-06 8:55 am

What to say, what to say… Feeling kinda funky this morning and I’m not sure why. It could be because I’m being empathic and feeling other people’s stuff.

This weekend was so good. It was really nice to go home and be. I went to sleep Friday night at 8, I was so tired. And then the whole family went hiking up at the Fish Hatchery in Pisgah all day Saturday. It was incredible, I had told my mom that I wanted to go find some waterfalls, and we did. And we sat underneath that waterfall and ate our incredibly gourmet bagged lunches that my mom made for us. I could have fallen asleep for a long time sitting down there. It was so serene, so peaceful. So… Right… And I wished a lot that Steve could be there, that I could share that side of me with him. When I got home yesterday we spent the evening together, wandering around Pullen Park and the train tracks, and we went and got some food from work, and we grilled steak and sea bass and drank wine and ate so well. We went and saw Jet Li’s Fearless, which was pretty good, except that I think the Cabernet went straight to my head and I was a bit intoxicated throughout the movie. But we got home after a very chilly ride and crawled in bed together. It was rather natural; I ended up falling asleep in his arms and waking up a couple of times in the night to him kissing me on my forehead. I know I was dreaming about things, probably talking in my sleep, and snoring, but not one harsh word, just, a kiss. I feel like such a weirdo, talking to him about my life, because I’ll sit and blabber for like 5 minutes and then realize what I’ve subjected him to. But he just listens and talks back to me, and doesn’t look at me like I’m nuts. (Which I am)

So, this morning, I don’t know why I’m down. Perhaps I’m just tired. I am losing my excitement about school, but I’m working on it, I need to get back on a schedule, for sleeping and studying. Its difficult when you are getting to know someone and you want to spend absolutely all your time with them. But, I’ll get there, because I have to…

The tears I've cried
aren't for me.
These tears are for you,
for your own wasted life.
They are for all your lies
that become your truths
and the reality you won't face.

Thyroid Drain

9-22-06 2:08 pm

So, I had a reading on Wednesday. By this incredible woman. I don’t really feel like telling you much about her right now, except for the fact that she gave me hope and is an incredible woman. I’m supposed to go spend some time with her out at her house next Wednesday, out at the Eno river. Its something to look forward to. She told me many things. Lemme first say that she gets 17-35 requests for readings a week and she only chooses 2. She requested to do my reading. I’m depressed. I think its ok for me to finally admit it. But I’m battling it, I’m trying so hard to get away from it. But I feel very very isolated. But the loneliness is what might take me over. I had some extremely good cards in my reading, but some warning cards. She told me that if I was feeling down or lonely to not let it take me over, to get out, to surround myself with people, go drive, something. Its hard to do when everyone is busy, and also when you feel like a shitty person because you are hanging out with someone just because you’re depressed. I hate feeling like I need to be rescued. But I can’t do this all by myself, I need other people. I’ve decided that I’m going to move. I’ve found a 1 bedroom apartment that I’ve pretty much fallen in love with and I think its time for me to move on. I love this place so much, but I don’t know how long its gonna be before Sunny and Tim are really out and Sunny is so predatory.

I got high last night. It was nice. I kinda wanna do it right now but I have to work at 4 and I also feel like I’d be getting high just out of boredom. I don’t think that’s a good idea… I messaged Steve today and asked him if he wanted to go on a picnic, but I haven’t heard back from him. I’ve spent a lot of time with him this week and I have really enjoyed it. I find an immense amount of peace in him. We just sit and listen to all kinds of music, talking, not talking. Watch really really strange movies and his cat, Burns and I are good buddies. He’s a lap cat, very snuggly and warm, and he pees in the sink.

I’m losing my motivation. I don’t feel like doing anything. Not school, not work, nothing. And its not because I particularly hate either one of them, in fact, I very much enjoy them, but, I don’t know, I feel that thyroid drain today. Like bad.

Ramble

9-20-06 8:04 am

Went and saw a movie with Steve last night. I’m confused about how I feel about this whole situation. I guess I shouldn’t be so confused, I should just sit back and enjoy the company of another cool person. He has been so super decent and respectful to me. More so than any guy I think I’ve ever spent time with. I’ve slept in the same bed with him twice and the most he’s done is put an arm on my back in his sleep (and well, stand in my closet ;)~). Heh heh, that’s a story for another day. I don’t know, its just so cool, and he’s sweet as hell, making comments like, “I feel good when I’m around you, so we should definitely hang out again.” On the same note, I had a long talk with Nate the other night, the guy that stood me up. We had already discussed the standing upness, but he’s good friends with Steve, and we talked for almost an hour in my car, cause I took him home from a cookout with the guys. He was talking to me about Steve, telling me to keep with that… I told him I wasn’t looking for anything especially with everything I just got out of. Also, my life is a little complicated, I’d worry about bringing anyone else into that.

Last week was an interesting one, I felt like I was going crazy, like I really needed to be put in a ward. But I did find out the planets were all screwy, maybe that was it, maybe its also me releasing everything, the bumps in the road. I’m growing and learning and that’s all I can do. School is hard, but I have a handle on it when I can concentrate and last week wasn’t one of those weeks, but this week, I’ve got it under control. I’ve been to all of my classes and I’m holding it down. I haven’t been feeling great, but I’m working on fixing that. I’m glad I don’t have any commitments to anyone but myself.

Chad is being a loser, you should read his stupid away messages. I can’t believe that he thinks he ever has another chance in the world with me. That’s like going back for more, more poison, more pain, more horribleness. I’m not a stupid girl.

Stupid I guess, but here’s something that’s been bothering me. I’ve gotten so self absorbed being alone. I’m sorry for you people that I talk to because I talk about myself so much. I guess its cause that’s all I really have to talk about. This may sound really really stupid but I’d love to be in love with someone just to get out of myself for a bit. Does that make any sense? Guess I don’t have much in the way of production to say today. I’m gonna go get in the shower.

And so it is, no love no glory, no hero in her sky

everyone is looking for someone
that can make it worth
getting out of bed
in the morning
some are lucky enough
to find that person
the rest of us
on the other hand
find ourselves hitting the snooze button
repeatedly
cause sometimes
the morning sun
is just too much to bear.

I would have stayed up with you all night had I known how to save a life. Another stumble and fall I suppose. Another pick me up. Hurts. But, shit happens. I’m realizing that I so badly am starting to miss that companionship, that person that I don’t know super well that there aren’t any complications with that I can make love with and wake up in the morning and think about during the day in a none committed way and move on with my day. Nothing complicated, just something simple, friendly, sweet, and fun. No baggage, just someone to call at random and talk about the day if I feel like, or to go see a movie with maybe or to not talk to if I want time alone. Why is that hard to find? As Alisha would call it, uncomplicated ass, heh. But its not just about ass, its about having a companion too, someone to get to know and learn new things from. Boo.

Cover Your eyes pretty girl
Heaven is storming tonight
The angels are roaming free
Trying to warn these lovers
To take shelter. elsewhere
Cover your ears pretty girl
The sounds of death won't last
This storm will soon pass
Your smile will come back to you
But it will forever be cracked.
Like the wind when the trees fall
And the drops are as big as your eyes.
The roads are covered in dirt
And the sun slips away from you
Heaven is storming tonight
All the leeves will soon break
It will sound like your heart
When he walked away

9-13-06 6:52 pm

I really did have a psychotic break last night. I’m realizing now that it was serious but good for me. I didn’t runaway from myself, didn’t drown it in cigarettes or alcohol or sex, I dealt with myself. My stomach has been killing me the past couple of days, I haven’t been able to eat a thing, I’m bloated like I used to be and just hurts, a lot. I couldn’t sleep last night, I had to go outside to sleep. I fell asleep on the porch. I wish I had a tent that I could pitch in the backyard, I would sleep out there. This whole thing with Nate bothered me so much I think because I was just so looking forward to getting to know someone new. Getting to spend sometime with someone different, it wasn’t really that I wanted to date him or anything along those lines (I don’t think) but it was just someone to have a friendship with. I love getting to know people, and I was looking forward to that. I wish, that if he didn’t want to go to that movie he had just told me, I wish that he had just been honest with me, I don’t deal well without closure, don’t leave me hanging. It hurts. And it hurts just because I don’t really understand people treating other people in that way…I guess I shouldn’t be so surprised especially after everything with Chad. But everyone gets a chance; no one should have a prejudgment because of my prior experiences. I’m trying to keep it together, trying so hard to keep myself balanced. But sometimes I feel myself going insane with school and studying, its always the same everyday, school, study at a coffee shop, home and sleep. And always the computer, always the internet, I hate it, I hate the computer, I hate it. I just turned it off last night, couldn’t handle it. I so look forward to the end of the week when I get to work because I get some actually face to face time with people that I don’t have to budget in. But I have to keep my identity, I have to budget time in for Hannah, for the real me. For me…

Lychee

8-8-06 12:39 pm

I realized this morning, probably in the shower that I’m going slightly insane. That I’m driving myself in that direction. I find myself at night thinking back on my day realizing that I’m not really aware of what I’m doing when I’m doing, I just switch into talking to my friends mode and just start blabbering, or switch into work mode and go about my business. I’m going crazy. My solace that I get at night and in the morning is so precious to me, I’m finding that I’m slowly selling it away to a conversation here, and a drink there. Not to say that I don’t enjoy it, but that its making me slightly wonky. You see, there’s also this other little thing, I have this crush, on this guy, at work. And I’m falling all over myself. Made myself such a fucking girl over this. Made all this drama in my head about does he like me? Did I do the wrong thing the other night, what if he thinks his friend likes me does that mean he backs off and doesn’t like me anymore. ACK! What if I go after him and actually want to date him but don’t want anything super serious, just want to get to know him. I don’t want to get all wrapped up in anything right now, not anything complicated. But he’s such a sweet guy, such a nice sweet guy. And I can’t stop thinking about him or the situation, which is so retarded! Like, its been on my mind so much that I’ve been dreaming about it. I don’t want to dream about it. I’d like to think about something else. I’d like to concentrate on school, which I have not been able to do at all this week. So I’m trying to decide what I’m going to do. If something doesn’t occur within the next week or so. I’ve asked him to go see a movie, the ball is in his court, we’re supposed to plan a time, so I have to let this go and not be so consumed by it. I’ve always been really good at not letting things bother me, really good and for some reason I’ve let this get to me so bad. I guess part of it has been that communication is so important to me, and apparently in the dating world you have to be careful about overstepping these boundaries that are put in place by the society gods that rule over the world. I don’t believe in those boundaries and have never been able to abide by them, ever. I guess I need to date people who don’t care about them either and who I don’t scare because I’m forward and like to have fun and whatnot. And I guess part of it is that I am being so careful about not scaring him away and I don’t know what he’s thinking. He’s a quiet one he is.

Absinthe came and talked to me in Cyclo for his lunch break. I was not talking to him about this situation at all. For so many reasons that I wouldn’t even formulate in my head. Well, we’re gonna sit down right now and formulate those reasons and deal with them, right here and now. Ok, so I was worried that he would be jealous. Understandable, I’m jealous of him when he talks about girls, slowly but surely getting over that, slowly, its hard. We were together for so long. He’s my best friend I have to be able to talk to him about these things and I’m going to, he’s told me time and time again that I can’t be secretive with these things so that means that he’s going to take responsibility for his feelings, I can’t be responsible for his feelings. He’s been depressed lately, I was feeling suffocated, because he was being a little clingy I felt, who knows if I was just feeling that way or it was the case. But he was being depressed and not telling me what was going on, does that make me want to tell him about my happy crazy life? I think not. Other reason, I knew how he was going to respond, he was going to be all protecty, I’m a grown woman, I can take care of myself. I’m not saying I completely know how the world works, but if I get hurt, I get hurt. I can pick myself back up from anything, as I’ve well proved, I don’t need anybody to take care of me, just to be my best friend and laugh with me and speculate on my insanity. Not tell me how careful I need to be with these boys. I’m well aware of all the dangers in the world. Remember I have stitches and staples in many spots on my heart. When Sunny did a reading for me she told me I was kind of like a chameleon. My true self was like a watermelon seed and I put on a different watermelon for each situation I’m in. She told me that Absinthe didn’t even have a watermelon seed, he had a sand grain. His sense of self is not what he tries so hard to convince me and himself it is. That’s not an attack, just an observation. An observation of the fact that his suffering is needless and wallowy. I love him more than I can even begin to describe. We’ve been through so much. We’ve had the most passionate love that two people can have. I want him to find himself and be happy. He can have the world, and he has so much to give the world. So much. So much. Anyway, I have tons of studying to do. I haven’t been able to focus, I think I’ll be able to now. I love you all so much.

Is it still me that makes you sweat?
Am I who you think about in bed?
When the lights are dim and your hands are shaking as you're sliding off your dress?
Then think of what you did
And how I hope to God he was worth it.
When the lights are dim and your heart is racing as your fingers touch your skin.
I've got more wit, a better kiss, a hotter touch, a better fuck
Than any boy you'll ever meet, sweetie you had me
Girl I was it, look past the sweat, a better love deserving of
Exchanging body heat in the passenger seat?
No, no, no, you know it will always just be me

Oh now I do recall, we were just getting to the part
Where the shock sets in, and the stomach acid finds a new way to make you get sick.
I hope you didn't expect that you'd get all of the attention.
Now let's not get selfish
Did you really think I’d let you kill this chorus?

So testosterone boys and harlequin girls
Dance to this beat
So testosterone boys and harlequin girls
Dance to this beat
And hold a lover close
Let's get these teen hearts beating. Faster, faster
Let's get these teen hearts beating. Faster

Wonky

I woke up really early this morning on my own. Its weird, I'm getting into some sort of cycle being by myself these days. I kind of enjoy it, waking up and having the mornings to myself, having the dreams to myself. I spent the day yesterday with Mike and Heather. Mike and I talked about so much. We talked about sexual identity, shopping, and salsa dancing. We even danced quite a bit, it was so much fun! Then Heather and I spent the rest of the day and evening together. We talked about my Saturday night which, was so interesting, ate dinner, and saw the most wonderful movie, "Little Miss Sunshine". My Saturday night was really fun. I'm getting better and better at putting myself in social situations and handling myself, something I would have never been comfortable doing a year and a half ago. I'm getting better at getting to know people, and I think I might even be getting better at letting people know my limits. Something that I've struggled with for so long. The psychic told me I would be touched by romance numerous times this year, that I wouldn't have any room in my heart for relationship but to let whatever happens happen and to just let it come and go like a river. I'm working on it. It seems to be such a slow process, and I'm anxious to get my bearings now, after I've found my comfort zone within myself. I guess I'm anxious to test myself. There are places that interest lies and I'd like to explore those arenas. If not for romance sake, just to have some new people in my life. Relationships teach people to grow, because that's what people do, they move in and out of lives, growing or not, or having events that other people learn from, its all a very dynamic life cycle, I like growing and I want to continue it. I think I'm blabbering. Anyway, my dreams were very full of people last night. People that I wasn't quite ready for them to be full of, and I find myself very contemplative this morning.

How can you just walk on by
Without one tear in your eye
Don't you have the slightest feelings left for me
Maybe that's just your way
Of dealing with the pain
Forgetting everything between our rise and fall
Like we never loved at all

You, i hear you're doing fine
Seems like you're doing well
As far as i can tell
Time is leaving us behind
Another week has passed
And still i haven't laughed yet
So tell me what your secret is
To letting go like you did, like you did

Did you forget the magic
Did you forget the passion
Did you ever miss me
Ever long to kiss me

8-31-06 12:29 pm

I have class soon. I don’t want to go in the rain. I had dreams last night, dreams of people, and things. Dreams that Chad was giving up on me, and I woke up hurting. And it hurt that I was hurting. I dreamed that he said he loved me but he didn’t want to be with me anymore because all he was doing was babysitting me. He didn’t want to babysit me anymore. Then he imed me this morning. We talked for a long time. He told me he needed to know what my feelings were on the situation. Where I stood. I told him I didn’t want to live my life in fear, and that I would no longer. But that trust was not really there anymore. I told him that I didn’t know what was going to happen between him and I, I don’t want to make any plans. The universe brings me things to teach me lessons and I need to learn them. I’m certainly not hurting like I was, but there are still times when everything becomes painful, and I’m not sure I’ll ever be over him. I love him, loved him and he stays in my thoughts.

I saw your side was not slept in
Cold sheets again
Remind me of what you said
We need to take a break for a while
It's been so long since I smiled
I don't wanna listen now
Live this day down

I don't wanna know it's over
So save your goodbye kiss
I don't want to know it's over
Cause ignorance is bliss
I can hardly see
What's in front of me

I think you can do much better than me
After all the lies that I made you believe
Guilt kicks in and I start to see
The edge of the bed
Where your nightgown used to be
I told myself I won't miss you
But I remembered
What it feels like beside you
I really miss your hair in my face
And the way your innocence tastes
And I think you should know this
You deserve much better than me

While looking through your old box of notes
I found those pictures I took
That you were looking for
If there's one memory I don't want to lose
That time at the mall
You and me in the dressing room
I told myself I won't miss you
But I remembered
What it feels like beside you
I really miss your hair in my face
And the way your innocence tastes
And I think you should know this
You deserve much better than me

The bed I'm lying in is getting colder
Wish I never would've said it's over
And I can't pretend that I won't think about you when I'm older
Cause we never really had our closure
This can't be the end

8-29-06 8:51 am

Something is going on inside me and I’m having a hard time figuring out what it is. I started feeling it yesterday. I wasn’t feeling nearly as with it and happy and upbeat and in touch as I was and then this morning I woke up and just did not want to be awake. The problem is, I don’t know why. For some reason I feel like I wasn’t as productive yesterday, but I was, I got a lot done. I’m mad at myself for taking a nap, which is stupid, I was so tired. I’m mad at myself for being tired, I feel like I shouldn’t be, like there is no reason for me to be tired already in the semester. Like taking a nap was letting myself down, and the reason why I feel like I was letting myself down was because I could have been doing something else during that time, and, I’m afraid I’ll get my body in the habit of wanting to sleep during the day, and somewhere along the line I learned that was a bad thing. The thing is, I got everything accomplished yesterday that I had planned on accomplishing, aside from meeting with someone, I really didn’t want to meet with. I got all of my homework done, went to water aerobics and got into bed at the time I had agreed with myself I would be in bed. Why am I making all of these deals with myself like I’m another person?? I have this set way of how I must complete things or how I think they should be done and there is no give, for me or any other person in my life, and if I need some change it makes me an incapable person, and then I start harping on myself about everything else.

- My hair looks like shit, why haven’t I gotten it dyed again?

- Why did I even bother getting it dyed in the first place if I wasn’t going to bother maintaining it?

- My trash is overflowing, how can I be such a pig and not have done something about it already?

- For some reason I have ants crawling across my desk, for no reason, I have cleaned and cleaned my desk but I must still be doing something disgusting to have ants on my desk.

- I should be better at having better thoughts to replace these thoughts that are so destructive.

- I’m so exhausted and it must be because I’m doing something wrong, I’m not getting enough sleep, I’m taking care of myself.

- I’m tired from being around people and changing myself to fit to the standards that I think they need. That makes me an even more pathetic person.

- I do this all to myself therefore I deserve it.

Rockin out

8-20-06 10:50 pm

Impeccability means without sin. A sin is anything you do which goes against yourself. When you are impeccable you take responsibility for your actions, but you do not judge or blame yourself. Self rejection is the biggest sin that you commit.

Consider how many times you have gossiped about the person you love the most to gain the support of others for your point of view.

Use the word to break all those teeny tiny agreements that make you suffer.

All of humanity is searching for truth, justice and beauty. We are on an eternal search for the truth because we only believe in the lies we have stored in our mind. We are searching for justice because in the belief system we have, there is no justice. We search for beauty because it doesn’t matter how beautiful a person is, we don’t believe that person has beauty. We keep searching and searching, when everything is already within us.

To be alive is the biggest fear humans have. Death is not the biggest fear we have; our biggest fear is taking the risk to be alive, the risk to be alive and express what we really are.

In your whole life nobody has ever abused you more than you have abused yourself. And the limit of your self abuse is exactly the limit that you will tolerate from someone else. If someone abuses you a little more than you abuse yourself, you will probably walk away from that person. But if someone abuses you a little less than you abuse yourself, you will probably stay in the relationship and tolerate it endlessly.

Like a sword with two edges, your word can create the most beautiful dream, or your word can destroy everything around you.

8-24-06

Last weekend was the Mind Body Spirit expo. I learned many things and I’ll get to that later. But what I’m going to write about now and put here are correspondences between Tim and I about an issue that I’m facing. Or have decided to face and deal with. An issue that I find seems to be the center of all of my issues. Something that smacks me in the face time and time again and I am terrified of dealing with. Something that seems insurmountable but I have no choice in battling. I don’t want to live the rest of my life suffering. I want to change the dream that I live in. The dream of myself and the eyes and thoughts that I see through and I can begin this journey but it has to be active and continuous. I have to do it everyday.

So, I was wondering if I could bounce some things off of you. So much going through my mind lately. I'm sure that Sunny told you she did a reading for me and strange but none of it was news to me. But it needed to get put into words for me. It was extremely important for me to hear. But one of the things I'm realizing about myself is that I'm getting better and better about catching the thoughts that are so detrimental to me. And I'm coming to realize that some of my issues are going to be harder than others to change. The judgements about myself are the core things I need to change because those are what cause my judgements about other people. Some of those judgements are like viruses, and I'm sure that there are many I'm not conscious of. But I feel like I'm conscious of most of them. I'm so aware of everything that I do, most of my thoughts aren't the back thoughts that most people have.

Anyway, I think the hardest and most encompassing thing for me, at this moment and perhaps the thing that takes over my life the most is the judgement that I have about my body. And when I talk about myself I'm talking about my perception of my body. I realize how much I think about how I look... Not hair, or makeup, but shape and movement. And I'm not sure how to overcome this. It is painful and challenging. It would seem that I would be able to just change the way I percieve myself but its like I need new eyes. I feel like if I can get over this hill I can get over anything but I'm not sure if I can do it by myself.

Let me make that last thought clear. That means that in the past I have looked to many other people in to make me feel beautiful, to tell me I'm beautiful, whatnot. That doesn't work, I know. I don't want people to tell me I'm beautiful anymore, I want to find that in myself. I want to tell myself I'm beautiful. I'm want to love myself, and not in that bible camp, Jesusy way. I want to love myself in the real, raw, unconditional way, but, I need help finding the tools to do it. Any suggestions?

Thank you

This is the reply

Some good insights - no one outside of us can give us the love we seek. It
is impossible, no matter how hard we try or wish it. Only you can give it to
yourself, because that is where the Source is for you. Yes, I have some
thoughts...

It is a continual process of watching thoughts, questioning them and
replacing them with more positive ones. Over time, as these become habit,
the others drop away. This first step, is key no matter what else you do.

Being in a heart space - as opposed to head space - helps with a more
balanced outlook. That is why learning to truly feel gratitude helps to
shift awareness. Finding a solution to a problem from the heart space is
usually more holistic and balanced.

Meditation, meditation, meditation. I say this because guided imagery can be
invaluable to have the experience within yourself, with your Higher Self, of
feeling unconditional love. (I am listening to a lecture on developing a
relationship to your Higher Self that I would be glad to lend to you.) Some
form of meditation also helps to center yourself.

I just ordered another meditation called The Ribbon Breath Meditation that I
think would be useful. Do a search and read about it. It teaches about the
energy system, while guiding you to a more relaxed, open, loving state.

Journalling is good to get feelings out in the open rather than rattle
around in the head.

The last I can think of right now is patience. This mindset won't go away by
itself, so you are doing the best thing by facing it now. But it will take
time and effort. There may be times when it looks almost impossible. The
trick is to hang in there and maintain focus on the intention of feeling
unconditional love for yourself. By letting that be your focus, you will be
guided to people and experiences that can help you along the way. Part of
this process is learning to trust yourself.

Also, by maintaining your focus, you are telling the Universe - this is what
I want.

Speaking your truth, without apology and avoiding taking things personally
is also a great habit to develop. Speaking your truth is the active
principle of heart feeling. Feel it. Speak it. The connection is
strengthened. Be willing to appear foolish and make mistakes as you make
your way.

One last thing, consider what Unonditional Love looks like to you. It is
different for everybody. What would you feel and how would you respond? How
would you behave?

Hope that is useful -

I will add anything else, if I think of it.

Your body is the temple of your spirit. The body is not you. Your thoughts
and feelings are not you. So, who are you - and what do you want to be?

That is the million dollar question.

Wishing you the Love that you are -

Tim

PS We (humans) are all on the same journey. You are not alone.

8-27-06 9:18 am

So the past couple of weeks have been quite adventurous. I had a reading done by Heidi Kent and learned many things about myself and my life. I’m gonna be just fine and I’ve learned so many lessons from the past year of relationship. I’m finding now that I need to fall in love with me and that’s what I’m doing. I’m falling in love with life. And I feel so much better. Its not a quick fix, I still battle everyday with myself, changing my thought processes but those have started to change, I’m feeling different towards myself and whatnot. I’m bringing more and more people into my life and attracting people and also telling people yes and no when I want to. My judgements towards people are starting to go away and I’m forgiving myself for so much. I’m really enjoying my time by myself, working on school work and walking to class in the mornings by myself and being in random coffee shops to study and learn and be all up in some Higgins. I’ve been taking that time out in the mornings to meditate on the things that are bothering me or I’ve just been thinking about and learning about myself and the other things. Learning about what the universe is bringing me and teaching me. On the path to nirvana… On the way J. Feels so good finally. To move out from the bottom of that bucket and start on a path towards something good and wonderful

Matches

8-14-06 10:08 pm

I miss kissing Shannon after he was done smoking. That’s weird. I know. But sometimes I love that taste. That smell on your fingers, that metallic taste on the lips. The way you get high when you’re falling into that person’s arms when they want you so bad. That was high school. I believe in rainstorms that wash away all of those graveyards that I can’t change. I believe in animal instincts. I believe in Carlitos and Steve. I believe in crushes. I believe in being single. I believe in broken hearts and driving around in the middle of the night screaming with your music. I believe in black kitty cats and green trees. I believe in being lost forever. I believe in missing someone so bad your heart cracks when you think about them. I believe in a needle and thread, the type that you have to carry in your back pocket to sew things back together on a whim. Can you hear me? I thought wisdom and love would set me free. I believe in being sad, and putting on happy put together face. I believe in wishing to disappear of the face of the earth. Thinking things would be better if I stay, so long, and goodnight. I believe in stars, and full moons that pull you in. I believe in sleeping forever. I believe in cars that haunt you in your dreams. Light reflections and banisters. I believe in wishing to share your deepest darkest and lightest thoughts with someone. Wishing someone could understand your genes. I believe in being sick to your stomach.

Lone

I caught myself before I said the things that you could never understand
And I stopped the world from spinning as I searched into your eyes
But things never look as simple once I get past your disguise

I smile and fake another feeling just to pass the time
I know that's what you expect of me
I tell you I feel nothing when you ignore me -- I don't mind
I know that's what you expect of me

I let you believe you know me when you haven't learned a thing
And I let your opinions form before I even said a word
Because I knew if I spoke to you I could never be heard

I kiss your lips and I forget I even cared at all
I know that's what you expect of me
I tell you it doesn't matter when you forget to call
I know that's what you expect of me

I quiet the noise inside my heart that threatens to betray
All the painful feelings that I've tried to lock away
I know these are things you'd never want to see
Because I know that's not what you expect of me

I focus on the conversations we may never get to have
Though you may not expect this of me
I let you see some stupid happy girl who doesn't know how to be sad
Because I know that's what you expect of me

8-9-06 10:31 am

I had dreams about people I hadn’t seen in years last night. It was really weird. I dreamed about Zach Cosgrove, Aaron Fowler, James Lewis, and Chris Fox. All boys that were friends of mine in high school. Except for Aaron. But Zach and James and Chris were all buddies of mine, especially junior and senior year. But I dreamed mostly about Chris… Chris was a year older than me and when he graduated he went into the army and the last I heard of him was probably three years ago when he was deployed to Iraq from Texas.

8-13-06 12:16 am

A lot on my mind lately… I find myself extremely restless. I think I’m bored. I want to go to sleep, I have to work tomorrow. But I know I won’t be able to sleep… I woke up last night at 3:00 and wasn’t able to get back to sleep. I’ve had a headache for the past three or four days that I can’t seem to shake. It’ll go away for an hour or so and then just come back. Its starting to get to me. I’m feeling a little numb, a little empty, maybe a little sad. Really restless. I wanna go out and find an adventure, with someone that I love in that way. I keep having dreams about walking through the dark with a quiet companion. I’m lonely. I guess I like having someone in my life to care about and love because it’s not boring. That may sound stupid, I don’t know. I don’t know anything anymore… I suppose I don’t have anything deep to say.

Stealing Kisses

8-6-06 11:30 pm

Oh, this past week was good for my soul. I’m feeling so much better, I’ve managed to pull myself through this with the help of some dear friends and I’m back on my own two feet. Not getting washed away or pulled down by something I can’t control. I feel so much more powerful within myself and I’m not trying to control everything else outside of me, and that feels so good. I went by Chad’s house to take his swim trunks to him, the ones that he left in Virginia, and he had some stuff of mine that I guess I had forgotten. He was upset, he looked like shit, and he looked sad and broken. He said I could have my bike back after telling Chris that he was going to keep it because I had either stolen or broken over $400 worth of his things. And also posting on his website that I had put a virus on his computer. I asked him about this and he said all of these things were out of anger and that I could have the bike back. I feel really bad for him, like, my heart goes out to him and I want to make it all better and take all of his pain away. But the problem here is, this is all his own doing and as much as it pains me to see a person that I loved so much hurting I can’t take care of him anymore. I’ve never doubted, even from the beginning, even from that moment of realization what was happening, or what had been happening that I would forgive him. But my forgiveness is not for him, its for me. I don’t see any point in holding on to that anger and sadness, it serves no purpose. But I won’t forget, and I won’t ever trust.

I don’t see Chad completely disappearing from my life for the sole reason that we have so many of the same friends. But he’s a bump in the road for me and its time for me to move on.

Amelia Badelia

8-1-06 5:33 pm

Everyone’s at the beach. This has been such a peaceful day, such a peaceful trip in general. More and more I’m realizing how much I love family, my family, and home. I can make home anywhere I go and I revel in it. I bought a fishing pole and learned how to go surf fishing with my dad yesterday. My brother taught me how to cast successfully. Didn’t get to do it for long because it started lightening but very fun, and something I get to do with my dad and brother. Today I made soap with my mom, sister and sister in law. Last night, I had dart gun fights all over the house with everyone. I am at ease. Even with the demons in my head that pass behind my eyes and haunt me, peace is so easy to find. The sound of kids running through the house, giggling and playing together is the best sound in the world. God, waking up in the morning and having Grace running up to me and grabbing me in a big bear hug. Having Andrew on one leg and Grace on the other because one was sitting with me and the other got jealous and wanted to sit in my lap too. I could live like this for the rest of my life. My mom looked at me yesterday and said, hurry up and start your commune. I have in the past two years been through the shittiest parts of my life and felt so displaced from these people, but here I am, falling in, not as a complete individual, but a part of something beautiful, incredible and dynamic. I’m ok with not being individual, and not standing out because we are all a part of it and we all make the wheels turn and it is so fascinating.

I’ve done a lot of thinking about Chad and everything. I get pangs of searing pain and I’m still hurting pretty bad. I’m a little displaced from the pain because I don’t have much of an opportunity to brood, but I really think that’s ok. I was watching my brother and his wife and how they interact and its so cool. They are incredibly private people and so I don’t know much about their relationship but they are so sweet and loving and their son’s disposition is a testament of what goes on in their household. Andrew is precious. But Josh and Andrew were out playing in the ocean and Lynn was watching them and Josh came and grabbed Lynn’s hand and pulled her out with them and held her and all the way and they stayed together in this little bundle with their 4 year old son between them. You could just see the love and understanding between them. Josh sat in here while we played with soap and beads and whatnot and played on the computer, he found something to occupy himself but he was available and he wasn’t blatantly uninterested. He was supportive and loving. If I end up with someone I want them to be like that. They don’t have to be with me all the time or be completely interested in what I do, but not obviously and vocally uninterested in my passions just because they are female. I’m tired of being stereotyped because I don’t fit in any box. Chad always tried to fit me in a nice little box and he never could and it always caused fights. And he always thought he had to disappear when any sort of craft of female thing came around. Even if one or more females were involved in a conversation, “Uh oh! Woman thing! I’m out, I’m a male and too good for this.” He was going to come to the beach with me this week, and you know what would have happened? He would have been in that back bedroom all day with Connor playing video games. It wouldn’t have been ok for me to sit on the beach all day and read, or take naps or do what I wanted to do because he doesn’t know how to entertain himself. He would have been completely uncomfortable sitting at the table for more than 20 minutes with my family just chatting about nothing. I want someone to love me because I’m Hannah, not because I’m female, and not because I just happened to be the best thing so far that popped into their lives. I want them to appreciate the things that I have such a passion for just because they love me. Just the way I picked up interest in computer games that in the past I wouldn’t have had interest in because that was Chad’s thing. I want someone who’s passionate and mind boggling and fun and laid back, who can hold their own with my family and can also just sit and do nothing. Someone who can take a walk fast because they wanna get in shape but stop quickly with me because they see a cool animal or flower. I want all these things because I know how much I give to the people I love, how much I gave to Chad. How much I bent and broke for him. How much I loved him, and gave and gave and gave, and never got back. I think for awhile he really tried, he really did, but I don’t think he was truly capable.

8-3-06 11:59 pm

Today has been a weird day. Had a lot on my mind. I’m getting to the point that I’m ready to go home. I’m starting to get a little frustrated with my mom and my sister, but I’m also trying to look at it from another perspective. Its me not feeling good enough. Nothing I ever do is good enough, and so much of it is in my head. I was walking along the beach tonight and realized that it was all in my head and I could make it so that everything was good enough for me. I don’t have to spend the rest of my life looking the mirror hating what I see and hating what I do, berating myself for the rest of my life. So much going on in my head.

I’ve had dreams the past couple of nights. One was of a guy, a new guy, someone familiar to me, perhaps he was familiar to me in my dreams but not that I know now. We were intimately inclined in my dream, not having sex, but I had my legs wrapped around each other but he wouldn’t let it lead to sex, and I knew that it wasn’t because he didn’t want me, but because he loved me and he didn’t want me to lose myself in him. Then last night I had a dream about Andre, I dreamed that I was looking at mail and he was standing next to me and he just grabbed me and whispered into my ear and said, I just want to eat you, I want to have all of you inside me, I want to love you and hold you forever. I woke up from that dream laying in my bed really feeling like someone had been holding me. I don’t know, made me think a lot about sex and relationships. About what I want and don’t want. I’m not going to be forced into anymore relationships. I’ve been tempted in the past to get into relationships to save someone else, or to teach them about relationships… I don’t want that anymore, I’m ready for the real thing or nothing at all. I want to date around and be casual with no strings and no commitments, and friends with benefits but I don’t want to be taking care of anyone else. I’m so looking forward to going back to school and not having to juggle a relationship. I’m ready to concentrate on me. I don’t know how I feel about sex anymore. I think that something came to me today… I think that one of the things that might have come to me today was that my sexuality is a big part of me but its also one of the only things that I think I have to offer. I have so much more to offer than that and I need to show that to myself, and I need to start feeling like more than a piece of meat. What I reflect is what I get, and the law of attraction is really important. I want to get the beauty back that I had last year and quit feeling so gross. I can put both my feet back on the ground and move on. I am gonna be just fine…