Cloudy skies

7-6-06 9:49 pm

So, I thought I was just going to take some Nyquil and sink into a drugged sleep, but alas, I slept for a bit undrugged and woke up feeling a little better. I’ve still got so much going through my mind. I talked to Aaron for awhile about it and he was really helpful. He asked me what Chad hoped to accomplish with this starting over thing. I told him I wasn’t really sure. It was a very good question. I think that this isn’t going to work. I think I’m not in a capacity right now to date and that’s what he wants to do. I don’t know how to date, never really done it before and right now, if I’m dating I want to be dating multiple people I think. I have that option because we are no longer exclusive but do I really have that option??

I gave a guy my number at open mic night last night. More than anything I think it was to show myself that I could do it. I don’t really care if he calls, he was cute and an incredible guitar player but, it was a testament to myself that I was able to stumble through the words of giving a guy my number.

I am confused and I think a little frustrated. Like I said I feel like I’ve been disposed of just enough that I’m no longer inconvenient. Chad is no longer a form of comfort to me, when something goes wrong he will not be the person I go to anymore looking comfort. Our relationship no longer allows that sort of closeness. Someone told me today that knowing me was like coming home, that he couldn’t quite name it but that I brought some sort of comfort to people. He told me I was like hot chocolate on a winter morning. This is not someone I’m romantically linked to, this is a friend that simply said he’d wished he’d known me sooner.

Its interesting to me that I choose to love the one person that can’t love me that way. Am I trying to change him? Intellectually I don’t believe in changing people, their problems are their own and while I care my friend’s struggles and sadness and whatnot I can’t fix them. I care ever so deeply for what they are going through but there is a point when they nor I can no longer dump it on me. You can’t ask a broken person to fix broken things.

I gave me away, could have knocked off the evening
But a lonelilly landed my waltz in her hands
In a way I felt you were leaving me and I was sure I wouldn't find you at home
You let me down could have knocked off the evening
But you lonelilly let him push under your bone
You let me down, its no use deceiving
Neither of us wanna be alone, you're coming home
I gave me away, could have knocked off the evening
But I was lonelilly looking for someone to hold
In a way I lost all I believed in
And I never found myself so low
And you let me down
You could have called if you needed
But you lonelilly got yourself locked instead
And you let me down, its one thing being cheated
But you took him all the way through your bed
And now you're coming home
And I'm trying to forget you're coming
I'm trying to move on and you're coming home
And you haven't called yet you're coming home
And I'm trying to forgive you're coming home
And I'm trying to forget you're coming
And I'm trying to move on you're coming home
I gave me away
I could have knocked off the evening
But I lonelilly loomed her into my bone
You let me down, there's no use deceiving
Neither of us wanna be alone

Daggers

7-5-06 10:22am

I think it hurts. I think its going to hurt for awhile and I definitely feel like its ok to be sad. Chad and I talked last night and we came to the mutual agreement that we needed to start over. Now, both my head and my heart tell me this is ok, but it does still hurt. A lot. I feel like I’ve been broken up with. And I don’t care who you are, a relationship, no matter what it is, and no matter how bad it might be is hard to come out of. So, I find myself I guess lonely for companionship and that affection. Who knew after what four days a person could become so pathetic. I’m trying to figure out why I’m so pathetic. Or feel that way.

Why am I so hungry to have someone by my side? I think I confuse myself a lot because in the grand scheme of things I don’t spend that much time around people these days, but I do like to be social after spending sometime by myself. I think Chad was kind of my fall back plan. Now I feel kind of naked. That’s kind of terrible of me isn’t it? Using him like that? And not even knowing it. Hmmm…

7-6-06 4:34 pm

Ok, really hurting now… It really hurts, its one of those hurts that takes over and almost takes your breath away. It hurts to breath. It hurts to cry, it hurts to do anything. I’ve run from it for a couple of days, distracting myself, hiding, putting on a strong face but it has caught up. It started hurting yesterday, and I couldn’t figure out why, I knew that it was because I felt like I had been broken up with, but I couldn’t place the feelings. Now, its because I feel gotten rid of, and disposed of just enough so that I’m no longer inconvenient. He washed his sheets, piled my stuff on his kitchen table… He’s cleaning me out of his life. He had moved his bed a couple of weeks ago so that we could both get into it from either side, he moved it back. I don’t know why he did all these things, and it’s not really worthwhile to guess, but it doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt. I guess I kinda wonder if he thinks starting over is going to make me a different person, or maybe him a different person? I’m not quite sure how this is all supposed to work and I feel like I’m kind of dangling by a string… In all the relationships I’ve had in the past I’ve just fallen into them, I haven’t had to work up to them. Not saying I haven’t had to work on them, but there hasn’t been any question about being together for that time, this is new and uncharted territory. I’m to the point where I’m questioning whether I want to continue, love isn’t supposed to hurt.

It took all my strength to rescue the winter
Torn and splintered, not a sound
Came from the emptiness
The place we had entered
And all our senses in tears were drowned

A heart still breaking
Always trying to forget you