Lost

I don’t know what to say. I’m hurt because you went into my computer and looked at something that wasn’t yours to look at. You read 1 out of 3 logs between this person and myself. Ani became a person that I could vent my frustration to that I never saw. Usually relationship frustration vented in the form of sexual conversation.

I never once looked into your logs between your ex boyfriend or any of your friends. There are a lot of times things are said but never acted on that are kept secret and left alone. The things said between Ani and I were like that.

I don’t think I should have to defend myself from things I talked about but never did but I am since you decided to read 1 of Ani’s 3 logs. There are two things I can think of that could cause this kind of reaction from you.

1) Trying to get a 3 some. Generally this was late at night, or after a fight and I was frustrated so we talked about it. Ani managed to get some X and that was something I wanted you to try. A side affect is how friendly you might become. There was not going to be anything forced on you as you saw yourself. Noone forced anything on you that night. Noone tried to get you to do anything you didn’t want. Words said, but never acted on.

2) Trying to get ani in bed. This is one that I knew I should have deleted but since I never acted on it and both times I was Drunk, we had just fought and I never even came close to acting on either would be enough to keep me safe. Both times, the next day almost the moment I woke up I apologized to her and she understood. If you had read either, you would understand that it was a venting thing and nothing more. It feels good to have another woman want you when you are rejected but it’s a WHOLE different world when you actually do it.

Did I react badly when I found out you let a guy put his hand up your shirt and didn’t immediately fight him off? No, I kept calm and didn’t assume anything. Did I ever fight you when you kept seeing your ex boyfriend AND him? No, I trusted that while things my be said in frustration you would never betray my trust.

I have never once, even come close to betraying your trust in this fashion. You don’t have to believe me. You can ask her.

However, this comes to my point of this letter. You don’t follow what you preach. You assume, you are a self-victimizer, and you constantly want someone to feel sorry for you or pay attention to you. You put me through hell last night. You accused me of something I never did because you read something very very private to me, my only source of true venting. My way of venting.

All I could think of all weekend long was you. Ask Dave, ask Chris. The first and only thing I wanted to see when I came home was you. Before I even made it to my house, I had bought you flowers and showed up at your home but you weren’t there. I went to your work but you weren’t there. I put them in your planters in hopes that you’d see them. All I wanted was you.

Chris knows I didn’t cheat on you, he knows a lot. Everyone knows I didn’t cheat on you. I couldn’t. I love you to much and that’s why I never acted on my hurtful feelings. Lately you’ve been attacking me every single time we get together and I honestly believe you wanted a way out. You have it.

I don’t want to be in a relationship where I can’t talk to my friends about us. I don’t want to be in a relationship where one of my gf’s friends calls me and tells me I’m not welcome. I don’t want to be in a relationship where I can’t relax. I don’t want to be in a relationship where the trust is one sided.

I don’t want to be in a relationship where you are unhappy...

You’re free Hannah.

If you ever want to talk to me you know my number. I won’t bother you again. I’ve already cried my heart out.

Chad.

So…. This is the e-mail that I had this morning. This is after last night, after he got home from Canada, after he called me once really angry and then two more times begging me to call him back. Then, I had a call from Chris telling me I must have taken everything out of context, then I had a call from Ani telling me nothing ever would have happened, and then he had his Mom call me. As if there was any more of a question of a relationship? So, what ensues is the letter that if I were to have anymore communication with Chad I would send back, and this is just to make me feel better because this e-mail is so wrong. It makes me so mad, and it hurts so bad. I’m still waiting to throw up. I’m still waiting to stop having anxiety attacks. I’m still waiting to stop loving the person that I did so much.

Chad~ or whoever you are,

I did go into your computer and look at things I shouldn’t have. I was nosy, I have no excuse, and I’m very sorry for invading your privacy. I really don’t believe in invading anyone’s privacy and honestly I don’t know why I did it, except for mere curiosity. You had said many times in the past, that I would be shocked at the conversations between you and Ani, so I figured for my entertainment value that I would go ahead and be shocked and amused. I wasn’t expecting to find anything.

But as I read, my mouth and eyebrows went farther and farther apart, I couldn’t believe what I was reading. I kept going back and checking the dates to be sure that I was in the right year. No, I was, and you were talking about me, and our relationship. You had abused our trust early on, but, as I kept reading I figured I could swallow that a little, but no, there was more… You sent her that picture of me that you had taken. The one that we had agreed you wouldn’t share with anyone, and then you said, “Believe or not, she’s lost weight since that picture.” Ouch. Then you started talking more and more about drugs and more and more about how much more fun I was when I was intoxicated. That if you guys could just loosen me up you were sure you could get me to do just about anything. And she kept saying how she was going to defile me. I specifically remember you talking about how easy I was to get off and her saying something and you saying you were sure that if I were intoxicated enough that she could watch. You took pictures of our toys and showed them to her. You posted a profile on bondage.com saying that you and I were a couple looking for another couple to experiment with. We were? You told her that I had said I was completely comfortable with a threesome with another woman, but I wasn’t so sure about a man. And then June 23^rd you propositioned her a week in advance. You brought me home from bowling, and because I was sick and you were horny and lonely you needed a good fucking. And you apologized the next morning, but you just kept trying. You talked about how boring I was in bed, how we only had one kind of sex. But at one point you made a statement about what a good slave I was. I don’t understand.

The thing is, about Ani’s birthday, is that originally, you wanted me to go to a hotel, alone with you, and her and whoever else. You say that you weren’t going to do anything, but what else are you going to say now? I’m glad that I was smart enough to tell you that I didn’t want to go to a strange place with strangers. Because no telling what you would have done to me that night. And no telling who would have actually believed me.

I didn’t let any guy put his hand up my shirt. Just like any girl doesn’t let any girl rape her. So you can go fuck yourself you arrogant sonofabitch. When I met you, I told you very forwardly that I would always be friends with Matt and that if you had a problem with it that we couldn’t date. That was the deal we made. Can’t say anything about it now.

Just grasping at strings aren’t you.

I don’t need to ask her. I can reference the logs, where you and she discussed how you shouldn’t tell me; how you had lied and told me you had just watched her and her boyfriend having sex. I’ll be happy to tell you what page and line that starts.

Sometimes I don’t follow what I preach. You’re very right in this aspect, I’m sorry about that. But babe, when it comes down to it, no one really does. I do assume a lot of things, and I try really hard not to, I don’t self victimize, that makes life much harder than it has to be. And I really hate getting attention from people. But let me teach you an important lesson. When you’re in a relationship, its important to give your significant other attention, that means love, guidance, little gestures, you know, well maybe you don’t. I’m not sorry I put you through hell, I hope it was hell, I hope you stay in hell, because you deserve it, you deserve more than hell Chad. I hope you never get a chance to do this to anyone else ever again. “You accused me of something I never did because you read something very very private to me, my only source of true venting.” I don’t get this part. You did do what you vented about, I’m sorry if that’s not quite clear. Your reality is way off love.

Another important lesson: flowers don’t fix it all. You ruined my birthday; you made it out like I had done something terrible to you, when you just couldn’t handle a little honesty. Flowers weren’t going to make my birthday better.

If I was just looking for a way out, god knows I would have found a much less painful way. Chris doesn’t know anything, Chris hasn’t read the logs, Chris hasn’t been in this relationship. Sadly, I think I’m going to lose some friends that I thought would be forever friends because you are the best manipulator I have ever known. You’re really good; I will give it to you. And Chris is mad because he had to come home to this. Tell him I am sorry about that. Wait, you should tell him you’re sorry for being such a liar. You don’t have a choice in what relationship you want anymore, you have no more options. I loved you more than you ever deserved. And I still do, and it breaks my heart when I wake up in the morning and it hurts every time I think about it. Everyday passes by so slowly when your heart is in a million pieces.