Lone

I caught myself before I said the things that you could never understand
And I stopped the world from spinning as I searched into your eyes
But things never look as simple once I get past your disguise

I smile and fake another feeling just to pass the time
I know that's what you expect of me
I tell you I feel nothing when you ignore me -- I don't mind
I know that's what you expect of me

I let you believe you know me when you haven't learned a thing
And I let your opinions form before I even said a word
Because I knew if I spoke to you I could never be heard

I kiss your lips and I forget I even cared at all
I know that's what you expect of me
I tell you it doesn't matter when you forget to call
I know that's what you expect of me

I quiet the noise inside my heart that threatens to betray
All the painful feelings that I've tried to lock away
I know these are things you'd never want to see
Because I know that's not what you expect of me

I focus on the conversations we may never get to have
Though you may not expect this of me
I let you see some stupid happy girl who doesn't know how to be sad
Because I know that's what you expect of me

8-9-06 10:31 am

I had dreams about people I hadn’t seen in years last night. It was really weird. I dreamed about Zach Cosgrove, Aaron Fowler, James Lewis, and Chris Fox. All boys that were friends of mine in high school. Except for Aaron. But Zach and James and Chris were all buddies of mine, especially junior and senior year. But I dreamed mostly about Chris… Chris was a year older than me and when he graduated he went into the army and the last I heard of him was probably three years ago when he was deployed to Iraq from Texas.

8-13-06 12:16 am

A lot on my mind lately… I find myself extremely restless. I think I’m bored. I want to go to sleep, I have to work tomorrow. But I know I won’t be able to sleep… I woke up last night at 3:00 and wasn’t able to get back to sleep. I’ve had a headache for the past three or four days that I can’t seem to shake. It’ll go away for an hour or so and then just come back. Its starting to get to me. I’m feeling a little numb, a little empty, maybe a little sad. Really restless. I wanna go out and find an adventure, with someone that I love in that way. I keep having dreams about walking through the dark with a quiet companion. I’m lonely. I guess I like having someone in my life to care about and love because it’s not boring. That may sound stupid, I don’t know. I don’t know anything anymore… I suppose I don’t have anything deep to say.