Thyroid Drain

9-22-06 2:08 pm

So, I had a reading on Wednesday. By this incredible woman. I don’t really feel like telling you much about her right now, except for the fact that she gave me hope and is an incredible woman. I’m supposed to go spend some time with her out at her house next Wednesday, out at the Eno river. Its something to look forward to. She told me many things. Lemme first say that she gets 17-35 requests for readings a week and she only chooses 2. She requested to do my reading. I’m depressed. I think its ok for me to finally admit it. But I’m battling it, I’m trying so hard to get away from it. But I feel very very isolated. But the loneliness is what might take me over. I had some extremely good cards in my reading, but some warning cards. She told me that if I was feeling down or lonely to not let it take me over, to get out, to surround myself with people, go drive, something. Its hard to do when everyone is busy, and also when you feel like a shitty person because you are hanging out with someone just because you’re depressed. I hate feeling like I need to be rescued. But I can’t do this all by myself, I need other people. I’ve decided that I’m going to move. I’ve found a 1 bedroom apartment that I’ve pretty much fallen in love with and I think its time for me to move on. I love this place so much, but I don’t know how long its gonna be before Sunny and Tim are really out and Sunny is so predatory.

I got high last night. It was nice. I kinda wanna do it right now but I have to work at 4 and I also feel like I’d be getting high just out of boredom. I don’t think that’s a good idea… I messaged Steve today and asked him if he wanted to go on a picnic, but I haven’t heard back from him. I’ve spent a lot of time with him this week and I have really enjoyed it. I find an immense amount of peace in him. We just sit and listen to all kinds of music, talking, not talking. Watch really really strange movies and his cat, Burns and I are good buddies. He’s a lap cat, very snuggly and warm, and he pees in the sink.

I’m losing my motivation. I don’t feel like doing anything. Not school, not work, nothing. And its not because I particularly hate either one of them, in fact, I very much enjoy them, but, I don’t know, I feel that thyroid drain today. Like bad.

Ramble

9-20-06 8:04 am

Went and saw a movie with Steve last night. I’m confused about how I feel about this whole situation. I guess I shouldn’t be so confused, I should just sit back and enjoy the company of another cool person. He has been so super decent and respectful to me. More so than any guy I think I’ve ever spent time with. I’ve slept in the same bed with him twice and the most he’s done is put an arm on my back in his sleep (and well, stand in my closet ;)~). Heh heh, that’s a story for another day. I don’t know, its just so cool, and he’s sweet as hell, making comments like, “I feel good when I’m around you, so we should definitely hang out again.” On the same note, I had a long talk with Nate the other night, the guy that stood me up. We had already discussed the standing upness, but he’s good friends with Steve, and we talked for almost an hour in my car, cause I took him home from a cookout with the guys. He was talking to me about Steve, telling me to keep with that… I told him I wasn’t looking for anything especially with everything I just got out of. Also, my life is a little complicated, I’d worry about bringing anyone else into that.

Last week was an interesting one, I felt like I was going crazy, like I really needed to be put in a ward. But I did find out the planets were all screwy, maybe that was it, maybe its also me releasing everything, the bumps in the road. I’m growing and learning and that’s all I can do. School is hard, but I have a handle on it when I can concentrate and last week wasn’t one of those weeks, but this week, I’ve got it under control. I’ve been to all of my classes and I’m holding it down. I haven’t been feeling great, but I’m working on fixing that. I’m glad I don’t have any commitments to anyone but myself.

Chad is being a loser, you should read his stupid away messages. I can’t believe that he thinks he ever has another chance in the world with me. That’s like going back for more, more poison, more pain, more horribleness. I’m not a stupid girl.

Stupid I guess, but here’s something that’s been bothering me. I’ve gotten so self absorbed being alone. I’m sorry for you people that I talk to because I talk about myself so much. I guess its cause that’s all I really have to talk about. This may sound really really stupid but I’d love to be in love with someone just to get out of myself for a bit. Does that make any sense? Guess I don’t have much in the way of production to say today. I’m gonna go get in the shower.

And so it is, no love no glory, no hero in her sky

everyone is looking for someone
that can make it worth
getting out of bed
in the morning
some are lucky enough
to find that person
the rest of us
on the other hand
find ourselves hitting the snooze button
repeatedly
cause sometimes
the morning sun
is just too much to bear.

I would have stayed up with you all night had I known how to save a life. Another stumble and fall I suppose. Another pick me up. Hurts. But, shit happens. I’m realizing that I so badly am starting to miss that companionship, that person that I don’t know super well that there aren’t any complications with that I can make love with and wake up in the morning and think about during the day in a none committed way and move on with my day. Nothing complicated, just something simple, friendly, sweet, and fun. No baggage, just someone to call at random and talk about the day if I feel like, or to go see a movie with maybe or to not talk to if I want time alone. Why is that hard to find? As Alisha would call it, uncomplicated ass, heh. But its not just about ass, its about having a companion too, someone to get to know and learn new things from. Boo.

Cover Your eyes pretty girl
Heaven is storming tonight
The angels are roaming free
Trying to warn these lovers
To take shelter. elsewhere
Cover your ears pretty girl
The sounds of death won't last
This storm will soon pass
Your smile will come back to you
But it will forever be cracked.
Like the wind when the trees fall
And the drops are as big as your eyes.
The roads are covered in dirt
And the sun slips away from you
Heaven is storming tonight
All the leeves will soon break
It will sound like your heart
When he walked away

9-13-06 6:52 pm

I really did have a psychotic break last night. I’m realizing now that it was serious but good for me. I didn’t runaway from myself, didn’t drown it in cigarettes or alcohol or sex, I dealt with myself. My stomach has been killing me the past couple of days, I haven’t been able to eat a thing, I’m bloated like I used to be and just hurts, a lot. I couldn’t sleep last night, I had to go outside to sleep. I fell asleep on the porch. I wish I had a tent that I could pitch in the backyard, I would sleep out there. This whole thing with Nate bothered me so much I think because I was just so looking forward to getting to know someone new. Getting to spend sometime with someone different, it wasn’t really that I wanted to date him or anything along those lines (I don’t think) but it was just someone to have a friendship with. I love getting to know people, and I was looking forward to that. I wish, that if he didn’t want to go to that movie he had just told me, I wish that he had just been honest with me, I don’t deal well without closure, don’t leave me hanging. It hurts. And it hurts just because I don’t really understand people treating other people in that way…I guess I shouldn’t be so surprised especially after everything with Chad. But everyone gets a chance; no one should have a prejudgment because of my prior experiences. I’m trying to keep it together, trying so hard to keep myself balanced. But sometimes I feel myself going insane with school and studying, its always the same everyday, school, study at a coffee shop, home and sleep. And always the computer, always the internet, I hate it, I hate the computer, I hate it. I just turned it off last night, couldn’t handle it. I so look forward to the end of the week when I get to work because I get some actually face to face time with people that I don’t have to budget in. But I have to keep my identity, I have to budget time in for Hannah, for the real me. For me…

Lychee

8-8-06 12:39 pm

I realized this morning, probably in the shower that I’m going slightly insane. That I’m driving myself in that direction. I find myself at night thinking back on my day realizing that I’m not really aware of what I’m doing when I’m doing, I just switch into talking to my friends mode and just start blabbering, or switch into work mode and go about my business. I’m going crazy. My solace that I get at night and in the morning is so precious to me, I’m finding that I’m slowly selling it away to a conversation here, and a drink there. Not to say that I don’t enjoy it, but that its making me slightly wonky. You see, there’s also this other little thing, I have this crush, on this guy, at work. And I’m falling all over myself. Made myself such a fucking girl over this. Made all this drama in my head about does he like me? Did I do the wrong thing the other night, what if he thinks his friend likes me does that mean he backs off and doesn’t like me anymore. ACK! What if I go after him and actually want to date him but don’t want anything super serious, just want to get to know him. I don’t want to get all wrapped up in anything right now, not anything complicated. But he’s such a sweet guy, such a nice sweet guy. And I can’t stop thinking about him or the situation, which is so retarded! Like, its been on my mind so much that I’ve been dreaming about it. I don’t want to dream about it. I’d like to think about something else. I’d like to concentrate on school, which I have not been able to do at all this week. So I’m trying to decide what I’m going to do. If something doesn’t occur within the next week or so. I’ve asked him to go see a movie, the ball is in his court, we’re supposed to plan a time, so I have to let this go and not be so consumed by it. I’ve always been really good at not letting things bother me, really good and for some reason I’ve let this get to me so bad. I guess part of it has been that communication is so important to me, and apparently in the dating world you have to be careful about overstepping these boundaries that are put in place by the society gods that rule over the world. I don’t believe in those boundaries and have never been able to abide by them, ever. I guess I need to date people who don’t care about them either and who I don’t scare because I’m forward and like to have fun and whatnot. And I guess part of it is that I am being so careful about not scaring him away and I don’t know what he’s thinking. He’s a quiet one he is.

Absinthe came and talked to me in Cyclo for his lunch break. I was not talking to him about this situation at all. For so many reasons that I wouldn’t even formulate in my head. Well, we’re gonna sit down right now and formulate those reasons and deal with them, right here and now. Ok, so I was worried that he would be jealous. Understandable, I’m jealous of him when he talks about girls, slowly but surely getting over that, slowly, its hard. We were together for so long. He’s my best friend I have to be able to talk to him about these things and I’m going to, he’s told me time and time again that I can’t be secretive with these things so that means that he’s going to take responsibility for his feelings, I can’t be responsible for his feelings. He’s been depressed lately, I was feeling suffocated, because he was being a little clingy I felt, who knows if I was just feeling that way or it was the case. But he was being depressed and not telling me what was going on, does that make me want to tell him about my happy crazy life? I think not. Other reason, I knew how he was going to respond, he was going to be all protecty, I’m a grown woman, I can take care of myself. I’m not saying I completely know how the world works, but if I get hurt, I get hurt. I can pick myself back up from anything, as I’ve well proved, I don’t need anybody to take care of me, just to be my best friend and laugh with me and speculate on my insanity. Not tell me how careful I need to be with these boys. I’m well aware of all the dangers in the world. Remember I have stitches and staples in many spots on my heart. When Sunny did a reading for me she told me I was kind of like a chameleon. My true self was like a watermelon seed and I put on a different watermelon for each situation I’m in. She told me that Absinthe didn’t even have a watermelon seed, he had a sand grain. His sense of self is not what he tries so hard to convince me and himself it is. That’s not an attack, just an observation. An observation of the fact that his suffering is needless and wallowy. I love him more than I can even begin to describe. We’ve been through so much. We’ve had the most passionate love that two people can have. I want him to find himself and be happy. He can have the world, and he has so much to give the world. So much. So much. Anyway, I have tons of studying to do. I haven’t been able to focus, I think I’ll be able to now. I love you all so much.

Is it still me that makes you sweat?
Am I who you think about in bed?
When the lights are dim and your hands are shaking as you're sliding off your dress?
Then think of what you did
And how I hope to God he was worth it.
When the lights are dim and your heart is racing as your fingers touch your skin.
I've got more wit, a better kiss, a hotter touch, a better fuck
Than any boy you'll ever meet, sweetie you had me
Girl I was it, look past the sweat, a better love deserving of
Exchanging body heat in the passenger seat?
No, no, no, you know it will always just be me

Oh now I do recall, we were just getting to the part
Where the shock sets in, and the stomach acid finds a new way to make you get sick.
I hope you didn't expect that you'd get all of the attention.
Now let's not get selfish
Did you really think I’d let you kill this chorus?

So testosterone boys and harlequin girls
Dance to this beat
So testosterone boys and harlequin girls
Dance to this beat
And hold a lover close
Let's get these teen hearts beating. Faster, faster
Let's get these teen hearts beating. Faster

Wonky

I woke up really early this morning on my own. Its weird, I'm getting into some sort of cycle being by myself these days. I kind of enjoy it, waking up and having the mornings to myself, having the dreams to myself. I spent the day yesterday with Mike and Heather. Mike and I talked about so much. We talked about sexual identity, shopping, and salsa dancing. We even danced quite a bit, it was so much fun! Then Heather and I spent the rest of the day and evening together. We talked about my Saturday night which, was so interesting, ate dinner, and saw the most wonderful movie, "Little Miss Sunshine". My Saturday night was really fun. I'm getting better and better at putting myself in social situations and handling myself, something I would have never been comfortable doing a year and a half ago. I'm getting better at getting to know people, and I think I might even be getting better at letting people know my limits. Something that I've struggled with for so long. The psychic told me I would be touched by romance numerous times this year, that I wouldn't have any room in my heart for relationship but to let whatever happens happen and to just let it come and go like a river. I'm working on it. It seems to be such a slow process, and I'm anxious to get my bearings now, after I've found my comfort zone within myself. I guess I'm anxious to test myself. There are places that interest lies and I'd like to explore those arenas. If not for romance sake, just to have some new people in my life. Relationships teach people to grow, because that's what people do, they move in and out of lives, growing or not, or having events that other people learn from, its all a very dynamic life cycle, I like growing and I want to continue it. I think I'm blabbering. Anyway, my dreams were very full of people last night. People that I wasn't quite ready for them to be full of, and I find myself very contemplative this morning.

How can you just walk on by
Without one tear in your eye
Don't you have the slightest feelings left for me
Maybe that's just your way
Of dealing with the pain
Forgetting everything between our rise and fall
Like we never loved at all

You, i hear you're doing fine
Seems like you're doing well
As far as i can tell
Time is leaving us behind
Another week has passed
And still i haven't laughed yet
So tell me what your secret is
To letting go like you did, like you did

Did you forget the magic
Did you forget the passion
Did you ever miss me
Ever long to kiss me