Dear Craigslist

If I were to put a post on craigslist, in the strictly platonic section. Which I'll probably never do but hey its fun to fantasize, this is what I'd write... Here's the deal... At 24 somehow I've become a bored housewife, without the wife part of course. I clean and cook and take care of it all. But at night, when everyone is home there's nothing left for me. I'm too tired.. I had a long day at work.. My stomach hurts.. I just want to relax.. You know the drill. I'm in need of intellectual conversation that makes my wheels turn, something to think about, besides the fact that I don't know what I want. I consider myself pretty well rounded; I love to bake and garden and various other hobbies that I can't think up at the moment. I'm shy upon first meeting but then once I open up its all free from there. I pride myself on my freedom of expression!
That's all I got so far... It feels good to write it...

Change of attitude

Well, I've picked myself up by my bootstraps. I decided I needed to get out of the house and even though I'm broke I knew that just getting out would help a lot. I loaded the new Coldplay CD onto my MP3 player and Maggie and I went to Pullen Park to hang out. We just sat in the grass under a crab apple tree, watching the birds and enjoying the scenery. it was refreshing. In those moments I felt the heavy, wet, wool blanket slide off and I could breath. Such and astounding feeling, you know, breathing... Came back here and miracle groed all my plants, loved on them, talked to them... I started some new seeds yesterday, zinnia, nasturtiums, poppies can't think of what else but I'm super excited to watch them grow!! Then I finally decided to get started on that bbq pizza project, the dough is rising now.... Took a shower, feels good to wash the filth off, now, I can get started on figuring some things out, seeing with new eyes and breathing some better air... Loves to you all! And especially to you N for reminding me about life and truly beautiful it can be!

Sassy

Its another one of those days... All the excited is gone from here and I'm stuck trying to figure out what to do with myself... Boredom, its a very dangerous thing for me... I fell asleep this afternoon and had a terrible nightmare. JB and I were stuck at this weird camp together and we decided to make a run for it. We were going through this weird jungle that had the same feel to it as that of Kimberly Ave. My mom and sister caught us and drugged both of us. JB immediately fell asleep and I caught a second wind and started to fight the sleepiness. I felt like a caged animal, completely cornered and completely carnal. We ended back at the house and N decided that she wasn't going to be a part of it anymore, but there was some sort of terribleness going on, gave me a sick feeling in my stomach and it was all perpetuated by Mom. Papa was not there and I remember calling him, begging him to come help me and when he got home he and Mom talked and he took her side. It was terrible, I don't know what happened to JB at this point. But the rents were keeping Maggie from me, it was like she was ransom, I felt like I was fighting the fight of my life and at the end of the dream I just broke down on the living room floor and felt like I was giving up. I was trying to conform to all the boxes that I had been put in, figuratively. I woke up breathing so hard and sweating and Steve was asleep next to me, but I can't shake this icky feeling. It was so vivid and I know my body was truly feeling every emotion. So here is my breakdown of the situation... I feel trapped right now, not necessarily against my will. I'm doing the trapping I believe. I'm feeling unfulfilled on many levels and I'm having a hard time gaining ground if fulfilling myself. I'm looking to other people I know, I just don't know how to stop the cycle, how to make it better, how to keep trekking and how to find encouragement in myself. I feel like I have to be all personalities for myself here. Like I have to be the supportive part, the encouraging part, the mountain climber, the shoes for the climber, the rope and the belayer. I don't feel like I can do all of that at once... What gives? How does one do it all?? Why do we have to, to be happy??