Dreamscapes

7-30-06 7:03 am

I may seem strong
Like there is nothing wrong
But I am so easily broken
Piece by piece
I am chipped away
By all of your empty hearted words
You try and get to me
Seeping through my cracks
hoping I will forget all you have done
Telling me all you think I want to hear
But it doesn't work that way
Another piece of me just falls away
Because I know
Things will never be the same

I thought this was going to work
I thought it was fate
That we were meant to be
But things got in the way
Obstacles of timing and physical desire
And the fear of what they could cause
But you chose this way
It seems like you didn't even try
Not even for me
But I know you know
You can’t get me back
And I think you think
That makes it okay
I just hope you soon realize
Exactly what you let walk away

Please get out of my dreams. I’m trying so hard to get back on my feet and I’m hurting so bad and you insist on haunting me. Please leave me alone. I’m trying to find at least a little comfort somewhere and you even try to take my sleep from me. I was sad yesterday and I missed you. I wanted to fall into your arms. I wanted to come over and crawl into your bed and have your cats walk all over me. How can I miss you? I find myself somehow scared and hopeful I’ll pass you on the street, or see you in the grocery store. It’s twisted. I’ll hope you’ll see me and realize what you did to me, maybe be honest to yourself for once. I don’t understand how I ever loved you, or why I still do, but somehow its still there and I think that hurts the most because I’m not supposed to. Why did you have to go and do this?

Wild things

7-29-06 11:57 pm

I think I got mostly everything packed for the beach. I had a really hard time packing for some reason. Couldn’t focus on what I needed to pack and then just couldn’t make myself do it. We had book club and HMH lunch today and that was really nice. We talked about Prodigal Summer and I just can’t get over how much that book impacted my life. It was such a spiritual journey for me to read it. It led me to so many questions about love and what to expect and made me wonder about the relationship I was in and why I was in it. The characters were so complex and so beautiful and so human. The way the book intertwines humankind with nature fascinated me and touched me to the very core of my being. Over the past month I’ve come to many conclusions. I love the people around me, I am in love with my friends and I get back everything I give to them. I have surrounded myself with beautiful people and the people that are ugly inside will find their way out of my life on their own. While relationships take work, being in love doesn’t. Love doesn’t hurt and you shouldn’t have to work to love someone, it just is and it just does. If it hurts, it isn’t love and more than likely, you don’t love yourself. The thing that destroys most relationships is the attachment to being right. We are so in love with the idea of being in love, and we are so programmed that we have to be in love with someone else that it is forgotten that there is a person inside that needs just as much attention as we are craving to receive from someone else, and give someone else.

I am looking so forward to being alone for awhile. I’m looking forward to find my zen spot where its ok for me to just be with myself and no one else. Where I don’t have to have that attention to find myself valuable. I’m looking forward to spending time with my friends and enjoying the company of myself.

The other thing that I think I need to say is, thank you so much to all of you who have been there, and continue to be there for me through all of this. I bared my soul to you, and you still love me. The bottom can sometimes be so dark and to know that people will sit there when you are crying every ounce of your lifeblood out and you look up and they are crying with you, that, that is true love. Thank you so much.