Hey Mama,
I've been thinking about you a lot lately too. This semester has been terrible. I've been trying really hard to keep my head above water but I haven't been able to maintain any good grades in any of my classes. Two weeks ago I started having migraines again, on a daily basis, and I can't seem to get the neurologist to call me back. I missed two tests last week because I was so sick, and I don't think there is any possible way I can finish this semester. I haven't registered for classes next semester because this semester has gone so terribly. I don't think I have it in me anymore to continue on this path, its not what I want to do anymore, and while I understand that some classes are hard, school shouldn't be so insufferable.
I don't know what my plans are at this point, I'm going to start working more, and look at maybe taking a class or two at Wake Tech. I have a lot of options, and while I'm not going about life in a conventional way I believe that its important for me to maintain some sort of health and happiness.
I've never been so disappointed in myself, ever. And I know that you and Papa will be incredibly disappointed in me. If you would like I can work on paying you back tuition for last semester.
I'm happy with everything else in my life, but its a struggle to get up every morning and go to classes which I know I don't have the motivation or intelligence to succeed in. I thought this semester I would be able to prove to myself that I could achieve, and from the first test in my classes I let myself down. Since then I've developed the worst test anxiety I ever thought was possible, and I can't seem to retain any information. I feel broken.
I don't know what I expect from you guys. I know you love me no matter what, but disappointment is hard to swallow. I need you to have faith that I am going to do something with myself, and that one day I will be successful. I'm not giving up, but I need to recognize some things about my abilities.
I've been looking at all kinds of curriculums at Wake Tech: EMS, Medical Lab Technologies, Nursing, Phlebotomy. I just have to find something that I have a passion for again, maybe all the good stuff will come back if that happens, if I find a passion. I don't want to be numb and unhappy for the rest of my life like most people. At this point I'm rambling. I'll understand if you're mad at me, and you don't understand, but I love you and Papa more than anyone in the world. And I'm thankful that you taught me to have courage, and you've let me follow my heart most of my life even if you didn't agree with it. I know I'm young, and I have so much to learn, but I am young, and I have so many options. I won't ask you or Papa to pay for anymore school, and maybe I can get a big enough raise at The Fresh Market to completely support myself if that's what you want. Just let me know, I won't be hurt. I love you.
The response:
#1. We are not mad or disappointed in you.
#2. You do not lack intelligence! or ability!
#3. Find another neurologist who will give you the Topamax back.
#4. I would like to see you try to finish the semester if you possibly can - even with low grades.
#5. Have you looked at careers in radiology?
Papa said he wished you were here so he could give you a big hug. We are so sorry that you are having a hard time. Most people experience such crises at least one time. You are just having yours while you are very young. Look at Laura now going back to school to do what she wants.
Maybe you just need to wait and find out what you want to do.
I knew something was wrong when you stopped communicating with me. I am so sorry that you have been carrying this burden all semester without sharing it with us. You are right. We love you anyway!
We talked last night and want you to find your path. Not finishing school right now is not the end of the world. Not chasing your dreams might be much worse. Papa says we can still help you with rent. If you are out of school, insurance becomes more of a problem. You need a job with benefits eventually.
Don't cut yourself off from us. We miss you. I want you to try to spend a little time at home soon. Last year ended in disaster. I don't want things to stay that way.
Papa is very concerned and not at all judgemental.
This is rambling too, and I will probably think of things I want to tell you. Must get back to work. I love you. We believe in you, whatever you choose to do. Love MOM
I've never been so surprised, or felt so lucky in my life. They didn't overeact like I thought they would, they didn't try to take away my freedom. They just said that they love me, and it will be ok.
