I think of you
Everyday when the sun rises
I think of you
Every night when the moon shines
I think of you
Every time the sunset touches my face
I think of you
Whenever the rain falls on my skin
I think of you
When I lay in my bed alone
I think of you
When I have no one else to turn to
I think of you
All day everyday, And all night every night
When I need someone to love
I think of you

Home

I never wanted snow to fall on my window
I never counted on the ticking hands of time
Can we cut to the part where I hold you
Or back to the moment you stole my eye
I will pull you in close say I missed you
Or hello because I never said goodbye

What if whatever you want darling
Was once here and you left it be
What if whoever you need baby
Is waiting back home, and back home whoa is me

I always hear our song play on the radio
I turn the music up, pretend you sing along
Can I go back to the day I heard you
Hit the notes that got my heart beating strong
I miss your voice, hearing you makes me smile
Soon I will dial because it’s been too damn long

What if whatever you want darling
Was once here and you left it be
What if whoever you need baby
Is waiting back home, and back home whoa is me

Can we flash forward if we can’t rewind
I’m sure you’ll find that we can find a way
If we dream of it we can do with it
Whatever it will take to find our way

So, what if whatever you dreamed of darling
Is right here where you left it be
What if whoever you need now baby
Is waiting back home, trying to make you see

Ahhh.... So things seem to be going so well right now, I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. School is a struggle, work is a struggle, but I'm workin it out... I'm missing my family, and home something fierce, but I'm finally starting to really feel at home in my place. I love it! A came in the other day and said, "Its so you. And it looks really good." Coming from a guy I was honored.

I'll be weaseling my way back home here in a couple of weeks. But tonight R is coming down... We met two and a half weeks ago, and there was an instant spark. I can still feel it. I can't wait to spend some time with him!! He's a calming presence and very accepting of me. Its been a long time since I've stumbled upon someone without baggage. Genuine, sweet, respectful, fun loving, hilarious! I'm excited to see the potential for this... Really!!

Dear Papa

So I called my parents last night to see how they were doing, and because I wanted to tell them I love them... I talked to both of them about Jane's passing. We talked about her committing suicide and the peace I actually feel about it. Why my other dear friends and I have come to believe that this was part of her journey, that there was no desperation involved.. So Papa emailed me back today, and below are the emails we exchanged... Gosh I love my family sooooooo much!

Good to talk to you last night.

 

I wanted to say, “Don’t get any ideas!”  But I didn’t want to chance upsetting Mom and Nell.

 

I don’t want to bad-mouth your friend, because you obviously loved her.  But some people would say that suicide is the most selfish act someone can commit.   I don’t think that is always true, but I’m no expert.  However, it seems that most suicides are acts of desperation.  Still, in cases like Field Marshall Rommel, when you are faced with dying by your own hand or by firing squad, I can even admire the act.

 

I feel contempt for Robert McNamara, Johnson’s Secretary of Defense and architect of the Vietnam War.  A few years back, in a long documentary,  he admitted that the Johnson Administration realized it couldn’t win the war early on, yet they continued to send the best of America into the meat grinder.  There was a mea culpa, but no penance.  I don’t know how he can live with himself.  He’s nothing but a war criminal.   It would be justice served if he ended his life.

 

Unfortunately, your friend probably won’t be able to share what she has found on the other side except in the most indirect way.  If she were still with us, she could actively share her spirituality with others.  I would call that a real gift.  As it is, all you have is memories and a sense of her presence.

 

Luv,

 

Papa

Hi Papa Bear,

  Thanks for listening to me last night... There's no way in hell I would get any ideas like Jane's. And like Bill said the other night, "I don't understand, or like her decision but I'll damn well honor it." When I first found out about all of this, I was so incredibly angry at Jane, I thought how selfish could she be to not only take her own life, but to set it up so her best friend would find her!

   I'm not angry with her anymore because, while I don't believe her decision is right, I know why she did it. Its a weird way around things I know, but, last night after talking to you and Mom about it I settled on maybe this is just a way for us to cope... Ya know?? It is a nice way to think of things, that she was completely at peace, and wholly thought that this was her only chance at moving to a higher level.

   I have found much comfort in the teachings and belief of a life of little struggle. Keeping in conscious thought that we don't have to be miserable. I have found myself in the past few years sinking into a feeling of self pity and self disregard. I've struggled with self esteem and with being ok with who I am. Maybe its just that I'm growing up, but I find myself on much more even ground. Being alright with myself. That I don't have the power to change anything in this world but myself. So, I find myself happily plodding along in this constant state of grace and peace. There might be a storm going on all around me but I don't have to have it inside. Much like Jesus and the disciples on the boat.

   My childlike wonder is reappearing, and I feel as if my happiness shines all around me. People would never approach me before, but they do now. Customers come up at work and just start long, amazing conversations with me, my neighbors have welcomed me into their homes and into their family. I feel abundance all around me.

   These people that have reappeared in my life because of Jane are striving for the same thing, a higher level of consciousness. And they have so much to teach me, and for the first time ever, I feel as if I have something amazing to give to them. Its astounding...

   This is not to say that I don't have my bad days. Those days when all I wanna do is to stay inside away from people, and sleep. But I've come to terms with being compassionately vigilant. I sit with myself during those times, there is nothing wrong, that it will pass over me, and tomorrow, I'll get to the be the bright bubbly person that I am when I'm with others.

  So, as I told you last night, I appreciate you. I feel like I have so much of your goodness in me. You have been accepting and loving towards me with your willingness to listen and think with me. You were the first person I can remember that gave me an inkling that there is magic all around us. My closeness with nature, and my connection with animals was certainly taught and fostered by you. Thank you Papa. I know that I've never been this open with you, and that it doesn't weird you out but I realized that I've never truly expressed to you my gratitude and admiration... You have truly, with human imperfections and all been an amazing father and teacher. I look forward to the years to come, to sharing an amazing lifetime with you...

Loves!

Wow!

So wow! The past few months have been severe!! I'm feeling really really good tonight though... I went on a date Wednesday night and it was absolutely incredible!! He invited me over to his place last night, and I went, and he's a gentleman and amazing!! Anyway, I went out with Jill tonight and we talked about somethings... She has had a relationship like the one I just got out of. We talked about co dependence and all of those lovely things. So... I've pledged to myself that if I ever got into another relationship that I would not ever be willing to sacrifice the things that make me happy for someone else's happiness. I won't let myself get pulled into it so fast again. I'll force myself to set healthy boundaries and acknoledge them myself... Saying this, I don't even really know what to think about Dan except that this is really exciting and I'll just ride the ride because its fun and I shouldn't be afraid to do such things... So yeah...

Also, I really need to take the time to say how much I appreciate my friends and family... N, I hope you know how much I appreciate your safe haven!! Its always there for me when I come home and its truly invaluable to me, and so are you... Also, all of you who have checked on me and my family, sent me good, healing energies and thought about us at any point in this terrible debacle, thank you!!! I love you all dearly!!

Heh

So today I'm posing for a nude painting!!! This is something that I've always wanted to feel beautiful enough to do... I'm grabbing my balls and doing it!! I'm excited, and a little nervous, but I think it will be good for me... I haven't told many people about it, but its something that I'm proud of. J is doing the painting, and he'll take photos first and then paint from them, he's been a close friend of mine for a long time and I feel very comfortable with him. He's good at reassuring and just in general being spectacular!! I'll let you know how it turns out!!

Beauty

What a deliciously peaceful afternoon its been... I sat outside after work and read. Read until the moon started rising. I just finished reading The Shell Seeker by Rosamund Pilcher. What an amazing story. About an incredible woman that we should all aspire to be... She reminded me of Gammy... So here's to you, you beautiful soul- a woman of grace, fortitude, and generosity. Thank you, for being human, with faults and flaws and perfection! Thank you for gracing our lives, and teaching us about strength and happiness, and open doors. I miss you terribly, but often I feel you...

I have been reminded that everything is as it should be. Sometimes hard, almost unbearable, but perfect... We are meant to taste of life and drink the cup of it to the dregs, bitter and sweet alike...

Take my body in your hands,
Rip me apart at the seams.
Stand there and tell me that you can,
But instead just let me bleed.

I’ll keep struggling up the mountain,
As the cold chill kicks in.
Here I am dying for you once again,
As I let my eternity begin.

Forgetting to look back,
Shouting at me to let go.
Reminding of the things I lack.
I’ve made it three feet too far with nowhere left to go.

I bleed as the stones etch me,
My soul empty on the ground.
Giving back all that I was made to be,
By no promise nor parameter is my soul, any longer, bound.

The seams are just restraints on thoughts and logic,
They bind me with physicality,
I need no remind, I haven’t forgot,
But the realness of my existence is plain in my mentality

i was naked that night
before you on the wet grass,
i peeled off my clothing to get
a better look at the places you touched
to see if there was blood there, or
rose petals
or dirt

there was only skin,
pale, and flawed by the sun and
the days that went by
as we slowly tore each other
into little pieces of paper
to write love notes on
and throw away
after a couple of years.

i stood there in all that
glory or
tacit shame
but you didn’t look at me
too closely
you didn’t see
me
anymore.

the sky was an ugly color;
that doesn’t happen very often, sir.
a dirty purple, bruised as my
thighs so often were
when we were through.
you forgot about those bruises, every time.

I'm hoping this will be the last of it. I'm feeling better, on top of the world even! I've come to realize the state of depression that I was in for so long. I've moved past that, I feel beautiful and capable! What more could I ask for at this moment in life? I'm grateful...

Black

I feel broken... I can't feel, its just empty in there. I can't believe that all that I've worked so hard for has fallen apart. I can't comprehend how I could love one person so much in this world of detachment and lose it all. I can't let it go, I can't leave it all behind, it was my life, my world and its in pieces!!!!! How am I supposed to move past that, how can I tell myself that it will be ok, that I can move on and be happy??? I've never felt such a happiness, didn't even know it could exist as I felt with him. I fell in love and I fell so hard, and I can't even come to a place of acceptance that it was all for naught. Love and compassion are supposed to build grand things, its built me, why couldn't I take that energy that was so kindly passed on to me and put it into a relationship? It seems as if on some level every person in this world can feel that, at least if they don't want to feel it they can recognize it and respect it. In this relationship I, for the first time saw that all of my dreams could come true, that they were being realized, that life had a true purpose and that I deserved it. That life with all of its nuances could actually turn out with a happy ending. What did I do? Why is it so hard to be dependable and honest??!?!?! Why am I not allowed to have that? How is it that having emotions is such a detrimental and scary thing to so many people? We are boxed up in these nice little skins, with these incredible minds and we aren't supposed to use them. With the addendum that if we do, it should only be to deceive someone else. To tell them all the nice little pretties knowing that you are never going to achieve it. That there is no true desire to. Its happy faces all the time, yeah I'm fine, I'm dealing, it sucks but I'll move on... Its not that easy but no one wants to actually deal with it. And if that random person does (me) they are too emotional, too sensitive, too something. I'm here, I feel as if I was put on this earth to feel and to enjoy it, to revel in it, to accept it, to love it, to give it. Why is it such a taboo thing to express an emotion? And since its such a taboo, why can't I just conform? Why can't I just not express it? Why can't I deny it in myself? Everyone else does. Where's the malfunction? There's got to be a big one somewhere, but I can't find it...