Take a deep breath...

Hey Mama,
I've been thinking about you a lot lately too. This semester has been terrible. I've been trying really hard to keep my head above water but I haven't been able to maintain any good grades in any of my classes. Two weeks ago I started having migraines again, on a daily basis, and I can't seem to get the neurologist to call me back. I missed two tests last week because I was so sick, and I don't think there is any possible way I can finish this semester. I haven't registered for classes next semester because this semester has gone so terribly. I don't think I have it in me anymore to continue on this path, its not what I want to do anymore, and while I understand that some classes are hard, school shouldn't be so insufferable.
I don't know what my plans are at this point, I'm going to start working more, and look at maybe taking a class or two at Wake Tech. I have a lot of options, and while I'm not going about life in a conventional way I believe that its important for me to maintain some sort of health and happiness.
I've never been so disappointed in myself, ever. And I know that you and Papa will be incredibly disappointed in me. If you would like I can work on paying you back tuition for last semester.
I'm happy with everything else in my life, but its a struggle to get up every morning and go to classes which I know I don't have the motivation or intelligence to succeed in. I thought this semester I would be able to prove to myself that I could achieve, and from the first test in my classes I let myself down. Since then I've developed the worst test anxiety I ever thought was possible, and I can't seem to retain any information. I feel broken.
I don't know what I expect from you guys. I know you love me no matter what, but disappointment is hard to swallow. I need you to have faith that I am going to do something with myself, and that one day I will be successful. I'm not giving up, but I need to recognize some things about my abilities.
I've been looking at all kinds of curriculums at Wake Tech: EMS, Medical Lab Technologies, Nursing, Phlebotomy. I just have to find something that I have a passion for again, maybe all the good stuff will come back if that happens, if I find a passion. I don't want to be numb and unhappy for the rest of my life like most people. At this point I'm rambling. I'll understand if you're mad at me, and you don't understand, but I love you and Papa more than anyone in the world. And I'm thankful that you taught me to have courage, and you've let me follow my heart most of my life even if you didn't agree with it. I know I'm young, and I have so much to learn, but I am young, and I have so many options. I won't ask you or Papa to pay for anymore school, and maybe I can get a big enough raise at The Fresh Market to completely support myself if that's what you want. Just let me know, I won't be hurt. I love you.

The response:
#1. We are not mad or disappointed in you.
#2. You do not lack intelligence! or ability!
#3. Find another neurologist who will give you the Topamax back.
#4. I would like to see you try to finish the semester if you possibly can - even with low grades.
#5. Have you looked at careers in radiology?

Papa said he wished you were here so he could give you a big hug. We are so sorry that you are having a hard time. Most people experience such crises at least one time. You are just having yours while you are very young. Look at Laura now going back to school to do what she wants.

Maybe you just need to wait and find out what you want to do.

I knew something was wrong when you stopped communicating with me. I am so sorry that you have been carrying this burden all semester without sharing it with us. You are right. We love you anyway!

We talked last night and want you to find your path. Not finishing school right now is not the end of the world. Not chasing your dreams might be much worse. Papa says we can still help you with rent. If you are out of school, insurance becomes more of a problem. You need a job with benefits eventually.

Don't cut yourself off from us. We miss you. I want you to try to spend a little time at home soon. Last year ended in disaster. I don't want things to stay that way.

Papa is very concerned and not at all judgemental.

This is rambling too, and I will probably think of things I want to tell you. Must get back to work. I love you. We believe in you, whatever you choose to do. Love MOM


I've never been so surprised, or felt so lucky in my life. They didn't overeact like I thought they would, they didn't try to take away my freedom. They just said that they love me, and it will be ok.

12-3-06 2:25 pm

How did it get to be December already?? There’s so much to do, and I feel like I’m falling apart and also figuring out what’s going on. The past week or so I’ve been in quite the slump and I’ve been trying really hard to figure it out, I’ve been taking out my stress and depression on Steve I think. That pushed him away for a couple of days and that just made things worse. But we seem to be back on track now. Today was HMH lunch today and that was really nice, I just feel really disconnected, and I don’t think its because I’m being a bad friend, it could be. But I just don’t have time and they have jobs and stuff now and are a lot less flexible, and I don’t know. Don’t really feel like I belong anymore, I’ve felt that way before, but this time there seems to be something to it. I’m just being humored. I feel like I’m having to prove myself to everyone, including Steve’s friends and I’m lost.

There are so many things going on in my head and I’m talking it out to myself. I hate school. I don’t think I can do it, I don’t think I have the intelligence or motivation anymore. I just don’t have it in me. I love microbiology, but I don’t really want to have to go to more school after undergrad, and I don’t think I want to be stuck in the mundane life of labwork for the rest of my life. There’s just no passion there anymore. And I feel like I’m a terrible person for not being able to do it, but I just can’t keep pushing myself. I’m so unhappy, and so broken when it comes to school. I can’t believe I let this beat me, I can’t believe I can’t get back on track after being sick. What a loser. I’m going to have to tell my parents about this, and they are going to be so disappointed in me. But I can’t keep this up for them, I can’t finish something that is so tortuous for them. I just don’t know what to say. I have passions that lay elsewhere. I would love to be a nurse, an EMT a PA. I like medicine, always have, but never thought that was an option. But I’m going to explore my options, see what Wake Tech has to offer. It hurts to write this out, put it in words, then its real.

I think there’s something really wrong with me. I think I’m incredibly unstable and in a constant uphill battle to be happy. Is that normal? There’s so much joy in life, so many simple pleasures but they seem so dampened by the fact that I can’t seem to make life work like society wants me to. I have no idea what I want to do… Now I know how Matt feels, but he’s found the courage to do what he wants, and he doesn’t lose himself in changing what he wants to do. He’s ok with that, and I’ve defended him so much and been so proud of him for following his heart. Maybe I should start taking my own advice, I’m 22 I have the rest of my life to live. I don’t necessarily have to have a bachelor’s degree to be on the same level as my friends.

I held you like a lover

Happy and an elbow in the appropriate place

And we ignored our others

Happy plans with a delicate look upon your face

Our bodies moved in heart

Hurting parts of your garden with no room for a party

In a place where no one knows what we have done

Do you come together ever with him?

Is he dark enough, enough to see your light?

Do you brush your teeth before you kiss?

Do you miss my smell?

Is ha bold enough to take you on?

Do you feel like you belong?

Does he drive you wild or just mildly free?

What about me?

Well, you held me like a lover

Sweaty hands and a foot in the appropriate place

We used cushions to cover happy glands in the mild eschew of our disgrace

And our minds pressed in guard while our flesh disregarded the lack of space

For the lighthearted in the boom that beats our drum

I know I make you cry, I know sometimes you wanna die

But do you really live without me

So be free, if not leave him for me

Before one of us has accidental babies

You can hold her hand
And show her how you cry
Explain to her your weakness
So she understands:
And then roll over and die!

You can brave decisions
Before you crumble up inside
Spend your time asking
Everyone else's permission:
And then run away and hide!

You can sit on chimneys
And put some fire up your ass!
No need to know
What you're doing or waiting for:
But if anyone should ask?
Tell them I've been licking coconut skins
And we've been hanging out!
Tell them God just dropped by to forgive our sins
And relieve us our doubt

You can hold her eggs
But your basket has a hole
You can lie between her legs
And go lookin' for:
Tell her you're searching for her soul!

You can wait for ages
And watch your compost turn to coal
But time is contagious:
Everybody's getting old.

You can sit on chimneys
And put some fire up your ass!
No need to know
What you're doing or looking for:
But if anyone should ask?
Tell them I've been cooking coconut skins
And we've been hanging out!
Tell them God just dropped by to forgive our sins
And relieve us our doubt.