7-22-06 1:29 pm

I don’t even know where to begin. Its still all sinking in. Chad is not the person I knew and loved. He used me in every way he could conceive and then threw me away on the occasion that I wasn’t what he was looking for. He should not be allowed to put one toenail on this beautiful planet because everything he touches he rots. He is everything bad that has ever happened to me in my life. He is the migraine that got inside my head, the sister that molested me and took away my innocence, the father that beat me and psychologically abused me. He is my worst dream.

Shock. I can’t even breath sometimes. My heart starts racing and I start shaking all over. I get chills. Trying to ring up customers I’m fighting back tears. I can’t stop it and I have no control. I have a rock in my stomach, and I catch myself retching. If I could just throw it up I think I might feel a little better, but its like I’m stuck with it. I’m drunk with pain, drugged with sorrow. I don’t want anyone to ever touch me in a sexual manner ever again, I don’t want to ever look at a toy again. I’ll never know when to trust, I won’t ever even be able to trust myself. I won’t walk at the lake again for fear that I’ll come upon him…