Beavers

It’s the fourth of july. It’s been a very quiet day, and I’ve enjoyed it, but I’m also a bit lonely I think. I can’t figure out if I’m lonely because I feel like I should be or I’m missing Chad, or I’m just missing that companionship. But every time I thought about calling him or iming him or something, I couldn’t stand the thought of the conversation that was bound to occur. The misunderstanding and argument that is promised to ensue. I talked to Sunny about it a little today, sometimes I get really mad when talking to her, and I’m still trying to figure out why. But we talked about how you can’t really delve in the reason behind someone’s action or why they do something because most of the time you are not correct. The things that we think someone else is thinking are generally not correct. But I think one of the biggest frustrations, and perhaps the biggest thing holding me back is that I live based on my experiences. In the past I’ve said that’s all I have, but if that’s all I have, that’s fear. So maybe there is something else to live based on, the here, the now, not what happened yesterday or ten years ago. But there are so many arguments I could produce against that. But why? It leads you to living based on expectations, which leads you to a life of disappointment because it’s so hard to achieve what you expect especially when it involves other people.

I think it’s really important to clarify something for myself. This does not mean I cannot request certain things, or enjoy things but having the attachment to those things is the key. To be able to make a request without expectations, and to be able to accept whatever the result may be. But even deeper than that, finding out why you want or desire something, or think you need something, to dig and find out the reason why(?) can then release you from that want or need. You can then gain a neutral position and that is the ultimate freedom.

So where does this lead me? I’m not quite sure. I think that I’m clarifying things for myself. I think to know that making requests is ok is really important to me. The self deprecation holds me back from knowing and accepting a lot of these things and convolutes up and down. But knowing that what has shied me away from making requests in the past is rejection is a door that has been unlocked and I’m not afraid to open that anymore. I don’t need to be afraid from rejection. If I release my expectations then there will be no more rejection.

Red foxes have really bushy tails

7-3-06 10:39pm

I’m tired, I’m really really tired. I don’t know if its from being up late last night, being on my period, all the crazy emotional shit or what, but I’m exhausted and I’m looking forward to crawling into bed. I spent the day in job interviews and hanging out with Heather and whatnot and my head is kind of cloudy and some things are a little clearer. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about the kind of man that I want. This may sound incredibly retarded but we’ve done a lot of watching Sex and the City in the past week and for some reason that has given me a lot of insight. But also, my relationship with Chad has given me more insight than I think I ever wanted. Bleh. I’m really lonely tonight, maybe because I’m a little buzzed, maybe because I’m sad that I can’t make this retarded relationship work, I don’t know. But I so desperately want to find someone that understands how I work and can have all the qualities and attributes that are so important to me. I want someone that will encourage my independence and my fierce passion and also take care of me. I want someone who isn’t so self absorbed that they can step outside and enjoy the bigger beautiful picture, but I want them to be insightful and loving of themselves… I gotta take a break because I’m tired but I will continue in the morning…

7-4-06 10:21am

Twelve hours later heh heh. I woke up at 5 am but really didn’t want to get out of bed. When I did finally peel myself out of bed around 10 I looked out my window and on the top of my car was a dozen roses in the shape of a heart on the top of my car. Now, I don’t even know what to think, my initial thought was, wow, that’s sweet, too bad I already knew about it and, too bad Chad knows I’m not very happy with him right now and is kissing my ass. (This is still part of my initial thought.) While part of me wants to feel really bad for him and call him and tell him thank you for the roses, the other part of me thinks its gonna take a lot more than a dozen roses to smooth all this over, if its smoothable overable. Its going to take pulling his head out of his ass and becoming a lot less self centered. Because I’m tired of hearing about how bad Chad’s life is, was, and is gonna be. I’m tired of hearing about his self perpetuated problems. You can’t ever open up to someone like that because all they really care about is themselves even if they tell you otherwise… Oh well, his problem, not mine… On with the day!!!