Herm

So, I just finished a marathon studying session. I think my brain might explode and yet I have so much more to do. I'm going home this weekend!! Yay!! But I've got two tests and a paper due next week so I'm trying to cram everything in this week. It will all be so worth it! I'm super stoked about going home, its been a long time and I need some time to be away from here and just kick back. I'm tired of Raleigh right now. I'm really really really looking forward to seeing Grace Potter and the Nocturnals with N, and seeing the niece and nephew.

This semester is truly bogging me down. Online classes suck compared to regular lecture classes. And working full time doesn't really leave me much time to myself that I don't feel guilty about. S is off doing his thing tonight and will probably come home drunk, but what's new? Its hard to talk to people who use alcohol as a means to escape everything, when they are intoxicated. Oh well. I guess we are all just people after all, with our inherent faults and flaws.

There's a lot swirling around in my mind right now but I can't seem to get it out. Maybe after work tomorrow I'll have more to say, there are always funny stories from there.

With love to all!

A New Motivation

Maggie and I went out for a run today. It was spectacular. We completely motivated each other, and I hope that we can keep it that way. It felt so good to be able to talk her along, and she was beautiful about it. Yeah, I did have to carry her up the stairs when we got home, but you know, I admire her spirit. I've been having a lot of problems with my jaw as of late. Like for the past two weeks its been aching terribly. I keep trying to ignore it, I think that it has so much to do with tension and an inability to relax. So I decided to exercise and see if I could release some of those good endorphines. Maybe I'll start going back to the gym.

Anyway, so what's new. Well, I made a bad ass focaccia sometime early this week. Its gorgeous. I'll post the picture. And today I made a very tasty BBQ chicken pizza, that certainly kicked the last one I made in the booty.


The depression struggle is still going on. I will hear back from The Fresh on Monday or Tuesday about a job. Maybe I'll move right into Front End Assistant Manager. Which would mean a good paycheck and some benefits. Nice huh?

I start my CNA class Sept 22, looking forward to that I think. Got a lot of prep to do before hand, I have to read the first 5 chapters of the book, have a physical including a TB test and a piss test. Buy a watch with a second hand, buy a stethoscope, get my CPR and First Aid certification, and then I can actually take the test. Oh and right, buy scrubs, white non canvas shoes, umm cut all my nails of, remove polish, take my earrings out, my necklace off, and make sure my hair isn't touching my collar. Man, I feel like I'm in the military dude. The conformities are gonna suck majorly. Anyway, have much more to tell. Met a few new people, enjoyed chatting with them over e-mail. Keeps me busy anyway.

I smell like wet dog ass, so its off to the shower for me. Loves to all of you!

Dear Craigslist

If I were to put a post on craigslist, in the strictly platonic section. Which I'll probably never do but hey its fun to fantasize, this is what I'd write... Here's the deal... At 24 somehow I've become a bored housewife, without the wife part of course. I clean and cook and take care of it all. But at night, when everyone is home there's nothing left for me. I'm too tired.. I had a long day at work.. My stomach hurts.. I just want to relax.. You know the drill. I'm in need of intellectual conversation that makes my wheels turn, something to think about, besides the fact that I don't know what I want. I consider myself pretty well rounded; I love to bake and garden and various other hobbies that I can't think up at the moment. I'm shy upon first meeting but then once I open up its all free from there. I pride myself on my freedom of expression!
That's all I got so far... It feels good to write it...

Change of attitude

Well, I've picked myself up by my bootstraps. I decided I needed to get out of the house and even though I'm broke I knew that just getting out would help a lot. I loaded the new Coldplay CD onto my MP3 player and Maggie and I went to Pullen Park to hang out. We just sat in the grass under a crab apple tree, watching the birds and enjoying the scenery. it was refreshing. In those moments I felt the heavy, wet, wool blanket slide off and I could breath. Such and astounding feeling, you know, breathing... Came back here and miracle groed all my plants, loved on them, talked to them... I started some new seeds yesterday, zinnia, nasturtiums, poppies can't think of what else but I'm super excited to watch them grow!! Then I finally decided to get started on that bbq pizza project, the dough is rising now.... Took a shower, feels good to wash the filth off, now, I can get started on figuring some things out, seeing with new eyes and breathing some better air... Loves to you all! And especially to you N for reminding me about life and truly beautiful it can be!

Sassy

Its another one of those days... All the excited is gone from here and I'm stuck trying to figure out what to do with myself... Boredom, its a very dangerous thing for me... I fell asleep this afternoon and had a terrible nightmare. JB and I were stuck at this weird camp together and we decided to make a run for it. We were going through this weird jungle that had the same feel to it as that of Kimberly Ave. My mom and sister caught us and drugged both of us. JB immediately fell asleep and I caught a second wind and started to fight the sleepiness. I felt like a caged animal, completely cornered and completely carnal. We ended back at the house and N decided that she wasn't going to be a part of it anymore, but there was some sort of terribleness going on, gave me a sick feeling in my stomach and it was all perpetuated by Mom. Papa was not there and I remember calling him, begging him to come help me and when he got home he and Mom talked and he took her side. It was terrible, I don't know what happened to JB at this point. But the rents were keeping Maggie from me, it was like she was ransom, I felt like I was fighting the fight of my life and at the end of the dream I just broke down on the living room floor and felt like I was giving up. I was trying to conform to all the boxes that I had been put in, figuratively. I woke up breathing so hard and sweating and Steve was asleep next to me, but I can't shake this icky feeling. It was so vivid and I know my body was truly feeling every emotion. So here is my breakdown of the situation... I feel trapped right now, not necessarily against my will. I'm doing the trapping I believe. I'm feeling unfulfilled on many levels and I'm having a hard time gaining ground if fulfilling myself. I'm looking to other people I know, I just don't know how to stop the cycle, how to make it better, how to keep trekking and how to find encouragement in myself. I feel like I have to be all personalities for myself here. Like I have to be the supportive part, the encouraging part, the mountain climber, the shoes for the climber, the rope and the belayer. I don't feel like I can do all of that at once... What gives? How does one do it all?? Why do we have to, to be happy??

Awkward tiredness you can't pull yourself out of... That's what it is today, nothing particularly wrong just blah. Pretty much enjoying life, I think I need some social interaction though. Been working and schooling, but right now I can't even focus on studying, makes me feel crappy, but I keep telling myself that it happens. Cohabitating nicely, wish I had time to get drunk every once in awhile. Think I made a new friend, she's really cool, but quiet, I find myself blabbering all the time to keep things from getting awkward, that makes things awkward. Feel like I just woke up every minute, weird, thyroid, PMS. I am so affected by my hormones, it sucks, seems like nothing I do can control it just feel shitty for two weeks out of the month and particularly aggressive at times... Looking forward to the beach if it happens, I suppose I will go to the beach no matter what, I really need to get away from school and out of Raleigh for awhile to just relax and breath some different air. Steve and I are thinking about going swimming out at the lake, which is fine and all, I just don't like lakes, the fish nibble on me, creepy indeed. But I should do it because if would get me out of the house and I wouldn't be sleeping like I have been in every spare hour otherwise. He's being super supportive and understanding. That's what I need, I'm not the happy self assured, outspoken person people see outside of this place, my safety. I need to feel loved no matter how I'm feeling, and not attacked for it all the time. Maybe its me doing the attacking out of boredom, very possible. Maybe today I'll get falling down drunk and just release, sing and dance for a little while, wouldn't that be nice? No more blood, no more heart physiology, very tired of EKGs, it get rather suffocating sometimes even though it is truly fascinating. Maybe a shower. I miss my girlfriends, I miss having an apartment where I can have people come hang out on the couch with me and watch TV with. I miss the closeness that I had with others, are we really meant to be monogamous? But wanting to have physical and emotional, and intellectual interaction with others, is that really having the same time of intimacy that you would with your significant other? Good question, where do you draw the line? My lines are very blurry, I'm pretty ok with that, only if there was someone to blur the lines with me... Loves!

Blah de da

School started back... That's been a little crazy, can't even talk without mixing up my anatomy. Things are much better these days, I think some realizations were made and some understandings were reached. Went fishing last weekend and caught a 4.5 lb fish, that was pretty awesome! Also took Maggie swimming in the lake which was so much fun! I'm always worried about her endurance but she was such a champ! Walked a half mile and swam a whole bunch and didn't give me a hard time about it. We will be going on longer walks to keep that back leg healthy. I love my lab, we have three girls including me, and my instructor takes it easy with us, so much more individualized which is so nice with such a high volume class... I think the summer is my time, I feel much better, much less negative and I don't feel like I'm in such a downward spiral, its refreshing, just taking care of myself, which automatically takes care of relationships... I do still miss all of my friends but even if I wanted to I don't have much time for socialization, sad, but true. Work is wonderful! We love like a family and we fight like a family, it actually feels good. I'm responsible for so much, but if it gets too much to handle someone is always there to help. Tonight is me time night, Steve's at band practice, I'm actually getting to the point that I look forward to this time, the apartments clean and we are on a common goal of eating better around here, that makes a big difference in how one feels.
Relationships... They are hard, and sometimes they suck. There is never any justification for what anyone does out of anger. But there is more than one guilty party in this one. I will not be in an abusive relationship, I've lived in too much pain and sorrow because of other people and myself to continue this pattern for the rest of my life. I'm on top of it, we have both risen above it and I feel so much more whole because of that accomplishment. Somehow, because those mean people are not who we really are, we turned it around and started over. Its refreshing, like falling in love all over again. We have the power to change the energy that we emit, perceive and relate too. I love you Ataxia, I'm sorry that I've been bad at responding to you, sometimes when things get shitty its hard to talk. I will call you soon. I think about you all the time and I hope you're happy. Love!

Evolution!

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Lizards Rapidly Evolve After Introduction to Island

Kimberly Johnson for National Geographic News

April 21, 2008

Italian wall lizards introduced to a tiny island off the coast of Croatia are evolving in ways that would normally take millions of years to play out, new research shows. In just a few decades the 5-inch-long (13-centimeter-long) lizards have developed a completely new gut structure, larger heads, and a harder bite, researchers say. In 1971, scientists transplanted five adult pairs of the reptiles from their original island home in Pod Kopiste to the tiny neighboring island of Pod Mrcaru, both in the south Adriatic Sea. Genetic testing on the Pod Mrcaru lizards confirmed that the modern population of more than 5,000 Italian wall lizards are all descendants of the original ten lizards left behind in the 1970s. (Related: "Evolution's 'Driving Force' Shifts Based on Behavior, Study Says" [November 16, 2006].) Lizard Swarm While the experiment was more than 30 years in the making, it was not by design, according to Duncan Irschick, a study author and biology professor at the University of Massachusetts, Amherst. After scientists transplanted the reptiles, the Croatian War of Independence erupted, ending in the mid-1990s. The researchers couldn't get back to island because of the war, Irschick said. In 2004, however, tourism began to open back up, allowing researchers access to the island laboratory. (Read: "Kayaking the New Croatia" in National Geographic Adventure Magazine.) "We didn't know if we would find a lizard there. We had no idea if the original introductions were successful," Irschick said. What they found, however, was shocking. "The island was swarming with lizards," he said. The findings were published in March in the journal Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences. Fast-Track Evolution The new habitat once had its own healthy population of lizards, which were less aggressive than the new implants, Irschick said. The new species wiped out the indigenous lizard populations, although how it happened is unknown, he said. The transplanted lizards adapted to their new environment in ways that expedited their evolution physically, Irschick explained. Pod Mrcaru, for example, had an abundance of plants for the primarily insect-eating lizards to munch on. Physically, however, the lizards were not built to digest a vegetarian diet. Researchers found that the lizards developed cecal valves—muscles between the large and small intestine—that slowed down food digestion in fermenting chambers, which allowed their bodies to process the vegetation's cellulose into volatile fatty acids. "They evolved an expanded gut to allow them to process these leaves," Irschick said, adding it was something that had not been documented before. "This was a brand-new structure." Along with the ability to digest plants came the ability to bite harder, powered by a head that had grown longer and wider. (Related news: "Komodo Dragon's Bite Is 'Weaker Than a House Cat's'" [April 18, 2008].) The rapid physical evolution also sparked changes in the lizard's social and behavioral structure, he said. For one, the plentiful food sources allowed for easier reproduction and a denser population. The lizard also dropped some of its territorial defenses, the authors concluded. Such physical transformation in just 30 lizard generations takes evolution to a whole new level, Irschick said. It would be akin to humans evolving and growing a new appendix in several hundred years, he said. "That's unparalleled. What's most important is how fast this is," he said. While researchers do know the invader's impact on its reptile brethren, they do not know how the species impacts local vegetation or insects, a subject of future study, Irschick said. Dramatic Changes The study demonstrates that a lot of change happens in island environments, said Andrew Hendry, a biology professor at Montreal's McGill University. What could be debated, however, is how those changes are interpreted—whether or not they had a genetic basis and not a "plastic response to the environment," said Hendry, who was not associated with the study. There's no dispute that major changes to the lizards' digestive tract occurred. "That kind of change is really dramatic," he added. "All of this might be evolution," Hendry said. "The logical next step would be to confirm the genetic basis for these changes."

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© 1996-2008 National Geographic Society. All rights reserved.

If only it were that simple right?

So, a lot of things have happened in the past couple of weeks. I almost moved out again and then I broke down and couldn't do it... Things are rough right now... I went and saw B last night and he was really tough with me. Finding someone with understanding and who is willing to listen to my questions is hard to find. I wanted to find out some things, about how to better communicate and whatnot and I don't know. I know that so many of the things he said were true, and see the thing is, is I know what's true, I just don't know what to do with it. I do feel trapped right now, I don't have the money to move and I'm nervous about transferring schools and all of that junk.I think that anyone would have anxiety about these things... I want to make this work, I really do, I just don't know how and its so hard to find anyone that has constructive objective advice to give. Its always, well you just need to get out. Well, its not that easy, there are a lot of factors, and there's fear. I don't think I'm capable of doing all of this on my own. What happened to all the people that I was there for, that I provided a shoulder to cry on... Why can't it be reciprocated.. Blag, the frustration is immense and I feel like I going to explode in the very near future. That is all

Cat balls

I think I've gotten rather sensitive in my old age. The topic today is porn. Ok, well, why do so many women have a problem with porn? I don't believe its because they find it grotesque by any means, I think it feels just so much like a comparison between you and the hot women in the porn. This has been something that has been growing on my mind for awhile, its eating me inside. Steve won't have sex with me on a regular basis, he says its because he's old, or tired, or whatever. I have a big problem with that, simply based on the fact that from the very beginning of this relationship I have been so upfront about loving and needing sex. Sex to me is like his beer to him. Its relaxing, its fun, it feels good. So why can't I have it? Well one of the biggest road blocks has been porn, apparently he can't come more than once a day. News to me from those rousing days of romping upwards of three times a day. But, if I have class or I'm out or something, he has no problem popping in those hot little vixens in their corsets and going at it, so what's left for me when I get home? A big fat nothing! I've always been such an advocate for porn, but it has never replaced me, now I have a serious beef with all of this. Why am I not good enough, why am I not pretty or skinny enough, what is it about me that he doesn't find attractive? So, I ask him, if I weren't having sex with you, could I still expect you to be faithful? He says no, and I said well, so does that mean I don't have to be faithful? No, I give it to you often enough that you should be ok with it. Why can't I just have problem free, enjoyable sex I ask??? What is that big fucking deal, normally the tables are turned and its the chick that burns out long before the man, so wouldn't that make me a dream girl?? I mean, I love to fuck! Add to this whole equation the beer, if he drinks to much, like he did the other night he can't get off and punches holes in the wall, how does that work?? Anyway, I've tried to keep a dialogs with him about this whole porn thing and how its pretty much fucking me in the head, and we come to an agreement: No more porn until I'm ok with it... I mean, I think that's fair enough, if he's not giving it to me, then I don't think for relationship's sake he should be giving it to himself. Well, he's a liar, I know he still watches porn, this isn't the first time I've caught him, but now I'm just tired of talking about it. I want some ass, some good ass, something to where I'm not akin to a hole in the mattress. I wonder on a regular basis how I would really feel about myself hooking up with someone... Its something I've done many times in a previous relationship... So in the end I tell myself, he's lucky I'm attracted to him, he's not the hottest ass in this town, he's lucky I want him. There's nothing wrong with me I suppose but its like a fucking animal inside me that's trying to destroy any sense of self worth I could possibly hold. What in the hell??

Perfect

Cigarette Butts and green beans

Its been a long week already. Things are going better with Steve, right now... I think Maggie ate some cigarette butts out of the trash can, I don't think she's feeling so great right now, she's a bit restless. I got a mountain bike, lovin it, been riding it everyday. I'm doing my best to make an effort to keep this earth going for a little longer, but some energy efficient light bulbs, riding my bike to places close by, not taking unnecessary car trips, saving water from showers to water my plants, organic gardening, recycling, and composting. It makes me feel better about things I suppose. I can't believe its taken this long for society to get the fact that we're driving ourselves to our own doom. We have had and continue to have complete control over it!
I'm absolutely infatuated with my new job, its rough getting up at 3:15 am, but once I get going its fine... I love the people I work with and the philosophy of the company, its all about having fun, being healthy and making a good product.
I've also enjoyed the freedom that I feel from the independence of having stable employment, its liberating to come home tired from working hard, and feeling like I've produced something.
On another note, spring is in the air, the dogwoods are blooming and the air is so rich with the scent of the wisteria, this is my most loved time of year. I feel new along with all the plants sprouting and flowers blooming. There is such an immense peace I find with watching my little strawberry plants put up their first shoots and growing hummingbird vine, and peppers and poppies from seed. Its absolutely precious. Windows opens and fans whirring...

Argh!

So, here we are again, once more ravaged by the inner thoughts of destruction. I need a friend to hang out with and not judge me, someone that will listen and not look bored. I need a shoulder to cry on. I need a hole to crawl into, I need this all to end. I'm disgusted with how things have turned out with Steve, and I feel trapped with no place to go. I'm afraid to move home, because its scary, I don't know anyone, and I don't want to fuck up Mom and Papa's world. But its scary here, I'm lonely here so I guess I don't have much to lose. I want some excitement and socialization. I want some motivation for something good. I want to make this relationship work but not in vain. Everyone around me is so happy and is having life changing experiences and their life is fruitful and productive. I just stuck in the rut, lonely, and scared. Yes, I'm feeling sorry for myself but that demon tends to jump on your back and stay for awhile sometimes. I wanna go out and be crazy and drink a lot and feel my spirit soar, and come home and fall asleep fulfilled. I don't wanna be here by myself, with nothing to do but dirt and flies and quiet haunting me. I wanna feel wanted and loved and needed. I wanna feel strong and powerful and vivacious. I wanna breathe a sigh of relief and sit down and cry. I wanna run away.