Changes

There are big things in the mix right now. Life is so full of excitement and possibility right now. The world and general consciousness is shifting and it feels right. We have a toad, who comes to visit every night when we water our plants... Toad symbolizes a shift into higher consciousness, fortune, and seeing things clearer. I've been having trouble as of late sleeping, and this is often attributed to our minds struggling to open and connect to something greater. Today I rested most of the day and felt like a bum but also didn't feel like it would be productive to fight it, it was something that was greatly needed.

There are big things going on around with people that are close. Hard things at times, but I hope to share my great optimism and faith with them that there are beautiful things on the horizon. To take a moment, pull ourselves out of the little and see the bigger picture of infinite possibilities. Beautiful people with precious souls and big hearts. People that deserve to feel the joy that I feel when I am with them and think of them.

This new job is fast approaching and I'm so excited! I'm excited about finally being able to use my craft to heal on more levels than I'm aware of. This is where my heart lies and what I was meant to do, and I hope to be the best that I can possibly be. I hope to be a part of the greater good and also grow into myself and my calling.

I think there are going to be some adjustment in my family, not sure what it is, but I find myself staying away and I'm not sure why. I hope its not hurtful for anyone whatever it is...

The gift

We had an end of life simulation today... I was dreading it, simply because these labs tend to be a waste of time and I normally don't get much out of it. But at the end we had our debriefing and we were talking amongst the clinical group about end of life experiences. And then I started thinking.

We have such a privilege as nurses to be a part of the most difficult and joyful times of life. To be able to be there for a family when their baby is born, to make someone as comfortable as possible when they are in pain, to comfort the dying and the family. This is huge. I realized that with all this fighting and frustration and toil with school that I've gotten so bogged down in my frustration that I lost sight of the real thing. This is why I'm here. To give care to those in need, to make a difference for someone, to make dying easier. I'm here to celebrate the beauty of life and the human spirit. There is so much beauty surrounding us and we get so full of our shit that we forget about the bigger picture. I hope that I get to keep this feeling with me through the end of nursing school. And I'll probably fall off the band wagon a few more times, but the fact that I get to have this feeling (even if its fleeting) for just a moment is the biggest gift I know of. Life is precious, why not enjoy it when we can??

Gratitude

So, I bought myself some new Oracle Cards the other day. This one is Soul Lessons and Soul Purpose. I took a moment of quiet time tonight and drew three. One of which I drew the other day. They hit me hard and I've put their descriptions below.

Count Your Blessings

Everything is starting to fall into place. Open your heart and feel the blessings at hand; accept your beauty and grace, and let your inner self shine through. You're finally accepting the fullness of your Divine Spirit.

Your soul's purpose right now is to be a success story in the world. you're moving into direct alignment with your full potential. As unfamiliar as this is, all your hopes and dreams are beginning to manifest on the physical plane. You're starting to live a charmed life, and it's well deserved. Your blessings are abundant and flowing, even if you feel suspicious of all the goodness coming your way. This wealth is the direct result of your past efforts combined with your willingness to acknowledge all that the Universe has to offer you.

Your soul's lesson: Expand your capacity to receive goodness and love without resistance. It may take some getting used to, but let yourself fully absorb all the blessings that the Creator has to offer. it's the next step in the natural plan for your soul's growth.

Speak Up

Where in your life are you at a chronic slow boil? Where are you going along with the program but failing to express your true feelings? Where is there a serious divide between how you show yourself to the world and who you really are? In what area (or with whom) are you always agitated, yet deny or hide your anger?

Your soul is stoking up the fire on your passive-aggressive behaviors to burn off the patterns that keep you from speaking up and directly letting others know how you feel.

Your soul's purpose right now is to be authentic in your communication by first reconciling conflicts between your head and your heart.

Your soul's lesson: Take responsibility for your emotions and heed what they're trying to convey, rather than "stuffing" them with intellectual control. Recognize the difference between new feelings that provide valuable insight and information for creating direct and open communication and old, defensive patterns that cut off communication. Stop the battle between your head and heart and allow your ego and your spirit to become friends. Working together, they'll guide you toward peaceful relationships with others, especially when disagreements exist. Share your objections without attack or defense, but don't edit or water down your feelings in any way.

Refine your attention

The more that your soul begins to exercise direct influence over your conscious mind, the more you'll feel the importance of examining your present attitudes and behaviors. Are they receptive to your spirit and your Higher Self, and supportive of inspiration and assistance from the other side? Or do they cut you off from these sources, shut out their direction, and cause you to ignore your guides?

Recognize limiting attitudes and behaviors that make you feel isolated and that leave you in pain and frustration. Observe how you focus your attention and what's consuming your mental energy. Do your thoughts center on what supports you on both a practical and spiritual level- or are you scattering your energies on useless imaginings and debilitating thoughts?

Your soul's purpose right now is to refine your attention to a higher, more focused intention so that you can use your Divine Power to create in a more effective and rewarding way.

Your soul's lesson: Recognize how your present focus grows the garden call your life. Is it bearing fruit, or is it overrun with weeds?

I think that says all that needs to be said. I will take these ideas with me, and use them for great good.

Once again, I'm Mrs. Sob Story. I guess that's why I have an outlet eh? The pressure of Nursing School is almost unbearable at this point. There's never a guarantee that I will go on, or that I will get the grades that I've worked so hard for. Pins and needles all the time. I've got an exam tomorrow, the last one didn't go as well as I would have liked and this one could possibly make me or break me. I'm feeling inadequate.

Part of this test is on depression, and sitting through the lectures on it have been painful. I look around my class and its full of flat affects and isolated people. We're all depressed, incredibly depressed. I have never been this sad in my life, and it hurts. I wake up most mornings aching, terrified of what the day holds and fighting with every cell in my body to get out of bed. We are ants, and at any time this huge cloud could just rain down and drown me.

I had an amazing time in Aville last weekend, it was perfect, peaceful and none of the feelings that Raleigh holds for me were there. I had peeled them off with every mile as I drove home and when I got there, I was exhausted and renewed. Driving back was the challenge, many moments were spent with tears, searching for all those masks and layers that I knew I had to put back on just to survive. God I sound dramatic. I'm so tired of being sad, lonely, isolated, angry, frustrated and not ever knowing that depending on myself will get me through.

Tomorrow is Monday, the start of another week. Another week of my psych rotation, which, while I absolutely love it, is very very draining. I have already become attached to my girls. Being a teenager is so hard, and their need for escape is so desperate. They just want some relief. I can completely understand. I was asked point blank by my patient if I was ever messed up. It took a lot of strength to not answer that question. I wanted to tell her that everyone has shit they go through, being an adolescent sucks but its not forever and it does get so much better. Its amazing that I can think that considering my experiences at present. However, I think as we get older we have a better grasp on time. I know this isn't forever, it sure fucking feels like it is! I'm just hoping that there will be enough remnants of the girl that I like in myself to be able to put myself back together when its all said and done. At this time I'm hiding more and more from the outside world, but I need to not let myself do that, I need the support of all those amazing people that are there, but I've not been able to give time to.

These are tough times...

I just came back from Asheville. First time I'd been home in months. It was a very precious time. I've never enjoyed myself more.

Coming home this morning was painful. Physically difficult. I can't tell you how many times the thought ran through my head to just turn around and stay. Call A, ask him to take care of the critters, arrange for someone to pack up my shit, and stay home. When I drove into town, parked at R's, got out and heard the spring peepers down by the river, I melted. After a couple of weeks of going to sleep at night, and waking up in pain. Not being able to relax. Feeling horrible. And staying constantly stressed. I went home, and my heart and mind were calm. I slept well, I had good times with great friends. Spent some really rewarding time with family, and breathed. I got up in the morning with my sweetheart and went to our favorite bakery and drank coffee and sat outside and talked. Then we went with the fam to the woods and the water. Listened to that joyful sound, played with the kids and laughed and giggled like children. It rips me open every time I have to leave that feeling.

I live a double life. The one here, and the one there. Here is school, work, good friends, my sweet sweet critters and complete independence. There, is family, support, love, happiness, joy, laughter, comfort and stability.

And I say all this, sitting in my beloved apartment. The one I worked so hard to make my own. I can walk around at night in the dark. I can curl up in my chair and watch movies. I can crawl into bed with my sweet kitties. This is all joyful on many levels. But there's a dark hole here. The one that sucks me in. The one that leaves me feeling very very depressed.

Its seems that I put quite a bit of energy into not thinking about what I'm doing. I'm trying to numb out and take one day at a time. Suck it up, swallow the lump and trudge along, one foot in front of the other. that is getting me somewhere, and its moving time along. I want to wake up, and live in the moment and feel the grace that each day has to offer, but it seems impossible to get out of the slump that I've fallen into here. I desire that feeling, that freedom, that comfort of knowing that I'm following the right path at all times. God, this is scary.

So, I'm starting my psych rotation tomorrow. I'm terrified and uneasy, and anxious. I think this is going to be very hard for me. Mostly, and maybe I'm transferring these feelings, but I'm not happy about the instructor that I have for this. I think in my subconscious I've made a point to find all of the things about this to make me hate it. There's a very fine line between being aware of ones feelings and making attachments to them. So, with all that said, even if I don't quite believe it yet. I'm going to face this with my head up, and my mind open. Perhaps something really special will happen. Perhaps I will learn something about myself and others with this experience. Something that will be invaluable to the way I live the rest of my life.

How long do I have to lose myself before I'm completely lost?

I'm frustrated... Nursing school sucks, I decided to be an asshole this weekend to R and I can't seem to pull myself together. Last year at this time I was on a very high road. I was feeling good about life, enjoying myself and not depressed. At the moment things are constricting and boring. School and work feel like prisons and I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel but it seems so incredibly far off. I'm trying the approach of one day at a time but I'm not very good at it.

I'm ready to get on with life. To be done with school, to be back in Asheville, to get married, settle down, work, travel, laugh, play and think about starting a family. Its gotta end soon or I think I might possibly go insane.

NOLA

We're in New Orleans recovering from our first night out on the town. We already found our favorite local dive bar. Pahy's Irish Pub, its a local watering hole, in which you can hang with the locals and not the tourists. They are all so nice! They've been willing to answer all of our questions and point us in the right direction of places we want to explore. At some point last night the two bartenders came over with a drink with four straws in it, looked at Ryan and I and told me to take off my glasses and suck from the bottom. LoL! They had brought and drank a mind eraser with us!

The French Quarter is absolutely captivating, beautiful old house with bead littered porches right across from our balcony. We'll be strolling towards Cafe Du Monde and the river today. Hopefully to find some of the original cocktails and brunches. Both of which began in New Orleans. This is also a town of Rum. There's a distillery here and I can't wait to go check it out!!!

I will post pictures when I get back into town but as for right now I don't have a way to. Loves!!!!