Craigslist best of:
On a first date:
I will not put out, although, upon cessation of said date I will violently rape my Rabbit and envision your hands and mouth all over my body. We may discuss this in the future, if I decide you're worthy of more conversation.
In an effort to further my not-putting-out goal, I will not shave and will wear mis-matched socks. Just remember this if you respond to this ad, we go out, and you are having dirty thoughts over dinner. UNSHAVEN/MISMATCHED (just repeat it to yourself. You may be surprised how quickly wood will disappear)
I will engage you in conversation, perhaps shock you with hilarious stories of my past. I may use "big" words, and I refuse to dummy down for anyone.
I will make you laugh, assuming you have a brain and the personality to "get it".
I won't order a salad, nor will I order the most expensive entree. If I am hungry, I will eat.
I may call you the following day. I may not.
On the second date:
I may, in fact, put out. Why? Because I find few people meet/exceed my expectations enough to be granted a second date. I'm not promising I'll shave (kidding).
We will discuss the ridiculous happenings in both of our worlds since the last time we spoke.
I may ask you to leave following copulation. I may snuggle. I own a vagina and cannot decide at the present time how I will feel/react after sex.
Yes, I just typed all of that. Now, here's where the prospect pool will thin accordingly...
YOU MUST BE
of the caucasian persuasion
funny
loquacious
driven
single (that means not LEGALLY married)
under 38
over 23
not a baby-daddy
drug/disease free (everyone knows you can tell if someone has AIDS by looking)
sarcastic
well-mannered, for appearances
able to leave work at work. this implies employment
educated (beauty school and diesel college do not count)
NOT AN AUDIO ENGINEER/SINGER-SONG WRITER/OTHER MUSICAL FAILURE
act like a man. If I wanted a questionable fag, I'd date a girl. They smell better, anyway.
I AM...
Over one-night stands. I'm not in college anymore, and thank God Girls Gone Wild never visited back in my hay-day.
Very comfortable in my skin. Unafraid. Equally unashamed.
Not looking to get married, but over the fuck buddy status.
Able to say "no" and scream "yes".
Calm, collected, logical, rational, politically incorrect, and witty
TOGETHER, WE WILL
bowl
play trivia
act like raging dickheads in public establishments
giggle at midgets
fornicate regularly
discuss books
drink excessively if the mood strikes, and it will. Often
laugh at others and harder at ourselves
one-up eachother
WE WILL NOT
involve species other than homosapiens in our bedroom routine.
yell, argue, at like gigantic three-year-olds when we're upset
be dishonest
care what everyone else thinks
do any activity with one another's family more than once a month
act like something doesn't bother us, when it does
throw low-blows in times of frustration
Ok, I needed to start out with that because its funny, and amusing and I totally agree with most of it. This day has started out terribly. I locked myself out of Steve's apartment, with a poster in there that I needed for a class today. That I could absolutely not go without. Then I had to break into his apartment, hoping all the while that I wasn't caught breaking into his apartment and praying that no one would call the cops on me. But, to break into his apartment, I had to drive all the way home, retrieve the right tools and then I had to drive all the way back, hoping to make it to class on time, after breaking in to the apartment.
On top of it all, I've got more to do that I would like to even discuss, and I keep forgetting really really important things. I get really mad at myself when I forget important things. I'm trying to move, I'm trying to study for a test while all the while keeping up my other commitments to classes. I'm trying to stay a little sane and not over analyze things. I'm trying to be at work when I'm supposed to, and keep on top of the days that I need off. I'm trying to get a book read for the next weekend because I have that commitment too. I'm trying to hold two group projects together, and the groups which include three other people have become the group of Hannah "the flaky, and insane" one. I'm trying to keep on my spiritual/philosophical awakening. I'm also trying to keep up a relationship that is new and still needs work to keep it going and be successful. I also try my damndest to fit in some food and water and sleep, but I'm even forgetting about those important little details. I'm starting to get burnt out, and I'm really wishing that I could go away and hide for a couple of days, from everyone. From work, school, friends, family, everyone, just for a couple of days. And then I can come back hopefully a little saner than I was before. I don't know what to do. I don't have much faith in my ability to keep it together. My track record isn't great for such things, you know, getting sick and all, I really believe is a result of stress and inability to deal without knowing that I had an inability to deal because I thought being aware of everything and introspective and whatnot was a way of dealing. I'm nuts, and crazy and going insane as we speak, and that makes me feel even worse because then I feel like a complete failure pretty much at everything I do. I don't really have one good thing in my life that I'm able to say I'm really good at because I don't have the energy to put completely into anyone thing. I'm scrambling, trying to balance and its all going to end up a huge mess. Just a big fucking huge mess and I'm going to end up all alone and a loser. That is all.
