I realized this morning, probably in the shower that I’m going slightly insane. That I’m driving myself in that direction. I find myself at night thinking back on my day realizing that I’m not really aware of what I’m doing when I’m doing, I just switch into talking to my friends mode and just start blabbering, or switch into work mode and go about my business. I’m going crazy. My solace that I get at night and in the morning is so precious to me, I’m finding that I’m slowly selling it away to a conversation here, and a drink there. Not to say that I don’t enjoy it, but that its making me slightly wonky. You see, there’s also this other little thing, I have this crush, on this guy, at work. And I’m falling all over myself. Made myself such a fucking girl over this. Made all this drama in my head about does he like me? Did I do the wrong thing the other night, what if he thinks his friend likes me does that mean he backs off and doesn’t like me anymore. ACK! What if I go after him and actually want to date him but don’t want anything super serious, just want to get to know him. I don’t want to get all wrapped up in anything right now, not anything complicated. But he’s such a sweet guy, such a nice sweet guy. And I can’t stop thinking about him or the situation, which is so retarded! Like, its been on my mind so much that I’ve been dreaming about it. I don’t want to dream about it. I’d like to think about something else. I’d like to concentrate on school, which I have not been able to do at all this week. So I’m trying to decide what I’m going to do. If something doesn’t occur within the next week or so. I’ve asked him to go see a movie, the ball is in his court, we’re supposed to plan a time, so I have to let this go and not be so consumed by it. I’ve always been really good at not letting things bother me, really good and for some reason I’ve let this get to me so bad. I guess part of it has been that communication is so important to me, and apparently in the dating world you have to be careful about overstepping these boundaries that are put in place by the society gods that rule over the world. I don’t believe in those boundaries and have never been able to abide by them, ever. I guess I need to date people who don’t care about them either and who I don’t scare because I’m forward and like to have fun and whatnot. And I guess part of it is that I am being so careful about not scaring him away and I don’t know what he’s thinking. He’s a quiet one he is.
Absinthe came and talked to me in Cyclo for his lunch break. I was not talking to him about this situation at all. For so many reasons that I wouldn’t even formulate in my head. Well, we’re gonna sit down right now and formulate those reasons and deal with them, right here and now. Ok, so I was worried that he would be jealous. Understandable, I’m jealous of him when he talks about girls, slowly but surely getting over that, slowly, its hard. We were together for so long. He’s my best friend I have to be able to talk to him about these things and I’m going to, he’s told me time and time again that I can’t be secretive with these things so that means that he’s going to take responsibility for his feelings, I can’t be responsible for his feelings. He’s been depressed lately, I was feeling suffocated, because he was being a little clingy I felt, who knows if I was just feeling that way or it was the case. But he was being depressed and not telling me what was going on, does that make me want to tell him about my happy crazy life? I think not. Other reason, I knew how he was going to respond, he was going to be all protecty, I’m a grown woman, I can take care of myself. I’m not saying I completely know how the world works, but if I get hurt, I get hurt. I can pick myself back up from anything, as I’ve well proved, I don’t need anybody to take care of me, just to be my best friend and laugh with me and speculate on my insanity. Not tell me how careful I need to be with these boys. I’m well aware of all the dangers in the world. Remember I have stitches and staples in many spots on my heart. When Sunny did a reading for me she told me I was kind of like a chameleon. My true self was like a watermelon seed and I put on a different watermelon for each situation I’m in. She told me that Absinthe didn’t even have a watermelon seed, he had a sand grain. His sense of self is not what he tries so hard to convince me and himself it is. That’s not an attack, just an observation. An observation of the fact that his suffering is needless and wallowy. I love him more than I can even begin to describe. We’ve been through so much. We’ve had the most passionate love that two people can have. I want him to find himself and be happy. He can have the world, and he has so much to give the world. So much. So much. Anyway, I have tons of studying to do. I haven’t been able to focus, I think I’ll be able to now. I love you all so much.
