A little conversation goes a long way

[17:30] turtle4616: hey, how's your cleaning and whatnot going?
[17:31] roninofinochi: I have to clean up my thoughts first
[17:31] *** Auto-response sent to roninofinochi: Home
[17:31] roninofinochi: not much actual cleaning has transpired yet
[17:31] turtle4616: ah, i see
[17:32] turtle4616: how's that going?
[17:32] roninofinochi: very well, so far
[17:32] roninofinochi: I have done more today than I have in the past couple months
[17:32] roninofinochi: thanks for asking
[17:32] turtle4616: awesome
[17:32] roninofinochi: yeah
[17:32] roninofinochi: it is
[17:32] turtle4616: do you by any chance have a few minutes to chat?
[17:33] roninofinochi: yeah
[17:33] roninofinochi: sure do
[17:34] turtle4616: well i was going to call you on friday, cause i was freaking out a little bit... you gave me more insight on thursday than i've had in a long time
[17:34] turtle4616: but for some reason, its hard for me to intiate conversations with you... i'm not sure why, its a conundrum because i so much value our conversations
[17:34] roninofinochi: freeking out is good
[17:34] roninofinochi: that is ok
[17:35] roninofinochi: we can work through it
[17:36] turtle4616: i feel like i kinda went into a tailspin thursday night... i started really questioning myself and feeling like i wasn't on any track and questioning whether or not i was going to ever be able to work through any of the haze
[17:36] roninofinochi: you will
[17:37] roninofinochi: what kind of thoughts were comeing up?
[17:37] turtle4616: it feels so intimidating and overwhelming sometimes... actually most of the time
[17:38] turtle4616: that i'm not capable of doing enough to get something back... either from myself or others?
[17:38] turtle4616: most of the time i just feel kind of numb
[17:40] turtle4616: feels almost like i'm doomed to a life of frustration
[17:40] roninofinochi: what do you mean by back?
[17:40] turtle4616: feeling whole
[17:40] turtle4616: that's what i mean, feeling complete
[17:41] roninofinochi: ahh
[17:42] roninofinochi: well as far as I can tell that is a long process
[17:43] turtle4616: it feels so much like its an up hill battle
[17:43] turtle4616: and it feels often like i'm not getting anywhere
[17:44] roninofinochi: well we know that that is not the full, truth, though we feel it sometiems
[17:44] turtle4616: its like i'm looking for something inside that's not there... but i keep hoping i'll find it
[17:45] roninofinochi: it is there
[17:46] roninofinochi: we just put so many faulse things in front of it
[17:46] turtle4616: so how do you see through the falsehoods?
[17:47] roninofinochi: well for the most part I don't
[17:47] roninofinochi: but every once and a while i get a glimps
[17:47] roninofinochi: and something false falls aside
[17:47] turtle4616: i think i lose alot of hope when i go for so long without a glimpse
[17:48] roninofinochi: yeah
[17:48] roninofinochi: there are things you can do to help though
[17:48] turtle4616: what do you mean?
[17:49] turtle4616: my frustrations seem so shallow...
[17:50] roninofinochi: what do you mean by that?
[17:51] turtle4616: they seem to be surface frustrations, how people percieve me, if i'm acting in a way thats acceptable, if my relationships are in the right stage, if i'm good enough (that's hard to say)
[17:53] roninofinochi: but they are often driven and have there root in much deeper waters
[17:53] roninofinochi: people don't feel overwhelmed because of surface probles
[17:54] turtle4616: i'm scared, scared of how dealing with all of those things will affect my relationships, if it will destroy me...
[17:54] roninofinochi: but like I was saying there are many ways we can reconnect, there are healers like myself, there is meditation
[17:54] turtle4616: even right now i feel like such an ass, LoL!
[17:55] roninofinochi: healthfully dealing with anything will not destroy anything
[17:55] roninofinochi: it will only expand it
[17:55] turtle4616: how do i find what works for me, it seems there is so much holding me back from exploring those options, such as money, time, energy
[17:56] roninofinochi: you know what works for you better than anyone else does
[17:56] roninofinochi: you know what is in your range and ability
[17:57] roninofinochi: and trusting in that is your first step towards health
[17:57] turtle4616: i think a big part of that is trusting that other people will be honest with me about their boundaries, does that make any sense?
[17:58] roninofinochi: yes
[17:58] turtle4616: its hard for me to talk because i feel like i'm putting such a load off on other people..
[17:58] turtle4616: and i also want to be in a position in which i can help other people
[17:58] roninofinochi: so you also have a problem with trusting people wont take on more than they can handle
[17:58] turtle4616: a big one
[17:58] roninofinochi: well, i can't speak for others
[17:59] roninofinochi: but I spent many years finding and defining that boundary
[17:59] roninofinochi: and I will be honest with you
[17:59] turtle4616: thank you
[18:00] roninofinochi: np
[18:00] turtle4616: i'm sorry i'm so disorganized in my thoughts, i feel like there is something that ties all of that together, but i think that's what i'm searching so hard for
[18:01] roninofinochi: and thouse the purpose of conversation
[18:01] roninofinochi: to circle the uncreaed till the space has been created for something new to emerg
[18:02] turtle4616: that's a powerful statement
[18:02] roninofinochi: for the moment
[18:03] roninofinochi: so we have identified that you feel overwhelmed and frustrated
[18:03] roninofinochi: what seems to have triggered this in you
[18:04] turtle4616: its been there for awhile, i think the biggest trigger was my relationship with steve, i project so much of my inner confusion and frustration onto that relationship, i had this idea in mind that as long as i could find a good relationship, someone that i wanted to share my life with that i could be comfortable and happy forever
[18:05] roninofinochi: what happened to that idea
[18:06] turtle4616: its falso, i can't find all that comfort and completeness in another person
[18:06] turtle4616: i can find someone to compliment that, but not complete it
[18:06] turtle4616: and alot of times i find myself blaming my unhappiness on him
[18:07] turtle4616: i feel like a lot of people define themselves by their relationships
[18:07] turtle4616: that's just one facet of a person
[18:07] roninofinochi: what else defines a person
[18:08] turtle4616: what you find inside, the beauty, passion and faults that are within, not what is brought out by someone else
[18:10] roninofinochi: so would you say that all those things are already inside
[18:10] turtle4616: yes, but it seems much easier, or i guess convenient (up to a point) to have it magnified by another person
[18:10] roninofinochi: keep going
[18:11] turtle4616: it seems like less work, but i think in the end its easy for a person to really lose sight of themselves
[18:12] turtle4616: relationships aren't always peaches n cream, people are different and its important to realize that it doesn't necessarily mean you are at fault because of conflict
[18:12] turtle4616: i'm not sure if that's exactly what i wanted to say
[18:12] roninofinochi: try again
[18:13] turtle4616: conflict can be healthy, in a lot of ways that's how you learn
[18:13] turtle4616: that's not the only venue
[18:13] turtle4616: its dealing with it in a healthy manner that i find so important
[18:14] turtle4616: and that is true in relationships with friend, lovers, and yourself
[18:14] roninofinochi: back to this idea that we have all these things inside us but others magnify them
[18:14] turtle4616: ok
[18:15] roninofinochi: why do you think certain things get maginfied
[18:15] turtle4616: that, i don't know
[18:16] roninofinochi: well if i could pose an idea
[18:16] turtle4616: sure
[18:19] roninofinochi: so for a moment assume that were are nothing more than a bunch of old patterns
[18:19] roninofinochi: as we meet people
[18:20] roninofinochi: they pull out these qualities in us that are out of balance so we can resolve them and move to a higher state of well being
[18:21] turtle4616: the difficulty for me is not blaming that on them, not being angry at them for it
[18:21] roninofinochi: the anger is there to let you know that your thinking is not congruent with what you are
[18:22] roninofinochi: you are not all that different from that person
[18:22] roninofinochi: and the anger is saying stop thinking that way
[18:22] turtle4616: and not expecting that from the other person
[18:22] roninofinochi: and identify what it is inside youthat is coming out
[18:23] turtle4616: so often i feel like i'm recognizing and trying to change that for the sake of the relationship and not necessarily for myself, and i expect that same hard work from the other person
[18:24] roninofinochi: we can't change anything out there, and the more we expect it the more we strugle
[18:24] roninofinochi: we can only change our thoughts and reactions
[18:25] turtle4616: i think that is going to be one of the hardest things for me to remember...
[18:25] roninofinochi: the things we need we often forget to give to others.
[18:26] roninofinochi: when wee need understanding or acceptance we often forget to give it to those around us
[18:26] turtle4616: so true
[18:28] turtle4616: thank you so much for listening and talking with me
[18:28] roninofinochi: np
[18:28] roninofinochi: thats what friends are for
[18:29] turtle4616: i think i'm gonna go relax for a little bit, is it ok if i call you sometime in the near or later future to talk some more?
[18:29] roninofinochi: i hope you would
[18:29] roninofinochi: i always enjoy seeing your number on my phone
[18:29] turtle4616: :) thank you!!!

meh to the 10th power

So, here it is... I'm terribly, horribly, unhappily depressed. Somehow, I managed to get myself wrapped up in a relationship that is seemingly the nice version of what Chad and I had. I'm unhappy. I feel like I spend all my time trying to get attention from Steve, begging for his acknowledgment and his acceptance. The harder I try, the worse it gets. I don't think its about me not loving myself, I'm down with that, but I'd love to have a relationship based out of equality. I don't believe that I should have to ask to be a priority to the man that says he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. Is that so hard to do? I don't know what the hell to do..

In other news, I have a job interview tomorrow with a cookie decorating bakery. I'm super excited! Its a seasonal position, but it doesn't matter, I really need the money and the escape from this house. Wish me luck!!

Meh

When did I get so bogged down in what I dislike about this person? No on is ever going to be like me... I'm never going to find that, why do I keep looking for this? I love him. I find this out looking at him looking at the cd rack... I don't know, had a little to drink. I love him so much...I wanna be with him for the rest of time, and we get all tangled up in the tiniest disagreements that turn into something so big. Its like the equation for marriage has been taken out. We don't talk about it anymore, I don't look forward to it anymore. He talked about it for so long and nothing came of it... What am I do now? Will something ever come of it? I'm a poor loser and I get so much from him. I remember all the time how important it is to be thankful to him, for all that he does... How do we end up in the conundrums that we do? I miss writing, I miss writing and journaling so much... Jeez.. And he gets mad at me for writing.. I don't know what to do, this is me, I stopped all this writing because I didn't have time for it. I'm in school, trying so hard to make is, trying so hard to make a life to share with him. To be able to contribute something, because I don't right now, not monitarily anyway... Man... I think I'm a bit mixed up... I wish so bad that I could read his mind, and he could read mine, but that will never ever happen... I'm a mess I suppose...

Its been a long time...

So its been a really long time. I'm trying to get back into writing but its hard these days. Getting back to myself and fighting back and forth from being rather depressed. I think its been an adjustment not working and being at home all the time without Steve. He's out of town for a couple of days playing some shows deep in Georgia. I miss him. But I'm trying not to let myself. I've cleaned and done a bunch of things all around the apartment, stuff that I've been asking him to do for a long time or I've been putting off. But its felt good to be able to get into something around here and not feel interrupted when he comes home for lunch or from work. I washed all my laundry in the bathtub because I don't have enough money for laundry. But it was kinda fun and I saved a lot of money. I have goals for cleaning and doing some other stuff around the house but the bedroom is perfect now!
I'm so excited about going back to school! I hope that I get registered for that Nutrition class and maybe a job too? Next week is the family beach trip and I'm kind of excited about going and kind of nervous. I'm tired of missing Steve all the time and the past couple of times I've been to the beach its been really funky terms. Chad and other things. But Steve said he was going to do his best to come down for a couple of days and that would be really fun... I wanna go fishing with him at the beach. I wanna go fishing with him and my Papa... That would be awesome. This feels like a superficial post. I have a lot more to say but I think I'm going to do some yoga and think about taking a shower and going to bed... On my own terms tonight...

Oink

1-28-07 5:40

Its been so long since I’ve written. I’ve been a bit tongue tied I suppose. Not sure. I’ve not been writing for many reasons I suppose. One, I’ve been busy, two, I’ve had to censor so much of what I wanted to say. I talked to my sister Laura for a long time today. We talked about so much, the world and a little of this and a little of that. It was just good to hear from her, for all of last semester and summer I didn’t hear from her at all and after visiting her it was like she remembered who I was. She wanted to call and tell me about all the news in her life. She was going to look at land what was butted up against Sissy Spacek’s farm, that’s cool, and about how her son’s lizard laid a whole bunch of eggs and about how she doesn’t know what the meaning of a normal life is. She asked me about my truck and about Nell and her break up. We just talked like we were sisters again. I miss her so and she’s lonely in her marriage. I talked to her about Steve. And she doesn’t judge me for my life with him and she’s so supportive of me. Steve and I are living very simply these days and we are both making more money and saving it. There are reasons for this… We are looking at land and houses and talking very seriously about a future together. She was so encouraging, telling me not to be afraid of anything with my parents, asking me if I was going to end up with a ring on my finger soon, giving me advice, telling me Mom won’t be surprised, and suggesting that Steve ask Papa for permission. I don’t know, I don’t talk to anybody about this because everyone has the judgments and selfishness’s about me and whatnots. I’m excited about my life and I’m so happy. That’s all I have to say.