[17:30] turtle4616: hey, how's your cleaning and whatnot going?
[17:31] roninofinochi: I have to clean up my thoughts first
[17:31] *** Auto-response sent to roninofinochi: Home
[17:31] roninofinochi: not much actual cleaning has transpired yet
[17:31] turtle4616: ah, i see
[17:32] turtle4616: how's that going?
[17:32] roninofinochi: very well, so far
[17:32] roninofinochi: I have done more today than I have in the past couple months
[17:32] roninofinochi: thanks for asking
[17:32] turtle4616: awesome
[17:32] roninofinochi: yeah
[17:32] roninofinochi: it is
[17:32] turtle4616: do you by any chance have a few minutes to chat?
[17:33] roninofinochi: yeah
[17:33] roninofinochi: sure do
[17:34] turtle4616: well i was going to call you on friday, cause i was freaking out a little bit... you gave me more insight on thursday than i've had in a long time
[17:34] turtle4616: but for some reason, its hard for me to intiate conversations with you... i'm not sure why, its a conundrum because i so much value our conversations
[17:34] roninofinochi: freeking out is good
[17:34] roninofinochi: that is ok
[17:35] roninofinochi: we can work through it
[17:36] turtle4616: i feel like i kinda went into a tailspin thursday night... i started really questioning myself and feeling like i wasn't on any track and questioning whether or not i was going to ever be able to work through any of the haze
[17:36] roninofinochi: you will
[17:37] roninofinochi: what kind of thoughts were comeing up?
[17:37] turtle4616: it feels so intimidating and overwhelming sometimes... actually most of the time
[17:38] turtle4616: that i'm not capable of doing enough to get something back... either from myself or others?
[17:38] turtle4616: most of the time i just feel kind of numb
[17:40] turtle4616: feels almost like i'm doomed to a life of frustration
[17:40] roninofinochi: what do you mean by back?
[17:40] turtle4616: feeling whole
[17:40] turtle4616: that's what i mean, feeling complete
[17:41] roninofinochi: ahh
[17:42] roninofinochi: well as far as I can tell that is a long process
[17:43] turtle4616: it feels so much like its an up hill battle
[17:43] turtle4616: and it feels often like i'm not getting anywhere
[17:44] roninofinochi: well we know that that is not the full, truth, though we feel it sometiems
[17:44] turtle4616: its like i'm looking for something inside that's not there... but i keep hoping i'll find it
[17:45] roninofinochi: it is there
[17:46] roninofinochi: we just put so many faulse things in front of it
[17:46] turtle4616: so how do you see through the falsehoods?
[17:47] roninofinochi: well for the most part I don't
[17:47] roninofinochi: but every once and a while i get a glimps
[17:47] roninofinochi: and something false falls aside
[17:47] turtle4616: i think i lose alot of hope when i go for so long without a glimpse
[17:48] roninofinochi: yeah
[17:48] roninofinochi: there are things you can do to help though
[17:48] turtle4616: what do you mean?
[17:49] turtle4616: my frustrations seem so shallow...
[17:50] roninofinochi: what do you mean by that?
[17:51] turtle4616: they seem to be surface frustrations, how people percieve me, if i'm acting in a way thats acceptable, if my relationships are in the right stage, if i'm good enough (that's hard to say)
[17:53] roninofinochi: but they are often driven and have there root in much deeper waters
[17:53] roninofinochi: people don't feel overwhelmed because of surface probles
[17:54] turtle4616: i'm scared, scared of how dealing with all of those things will affect my relationships, if it will destroy me...
[17:54] roninofinochi: but like I was saying there are many ways we can reconnect, there are healers like myself, there is meditation
[17:54] turtle4616: even right now i feel like such an ass, LoL!
[17:55] roninofinochi: healthfully dealing with anything will not destroy anything
[17:55] roninofinochi: it will only expand it
[17:55] turtle4616: how do i find what works for me, it seems there is so much holding me back from exploring those options, such as money, time, energy
[17:56] roninofinochi: you know what works for you better than anyone else does
[17:56] roninofinochi: you know what is in your range and ability
[17:57] roninofinochi: and trusting in that is your first step towards health
[17:57] turtle4616: i think a big part of that is trusting that other people will be honest with me about their boundaries, does that make any sense?
[17:58] roninofinochi: yes
[17:58] turtle4616: its hard for me to talk because i feel like i'm putting such a load off on other people..
[17:58] turtle4616: and i also want to be in a position in which i can help other people
[17:58] roninofinochi: so you also have a problem with trusting people wont take on more than they can handle
[17:58] turtle4616: a big one
[17:58] roninofinochi: well, i can't speak for others
[17:59] roninofinochi: but I spent many years finding and defining that boundary
[17:59] roninofinochi: and I will be honest with you
[17:59] turtle4616: thank you
[18:00] roninofinochi: np
[18:00] turtle4616: i'm sorry i'm so disorganized in my thoughts, i feel like there is something that ties all of that together, but i think that's what i'm searching so hard for
[18:01] roninofinochi: and thouse the purpose of conversation
[18:01] roninofinochi: to circle the uncreaed till the space has been created for something new to emerg
[18:02] turtle4616: that's a powerful statement
[18:02] roninofinochi: for the moment
[18:03] roninofinochi: so we have identified that you feel overwhelmed and frustrated
[18:03] roninofinochi: what seems to have triggered this in you
[18:04] turtle4616: its been there for awhile, i think the biggest trigger was my relationship with steve, i project so much of my inner confusion and frustration onto that relationship, i had this idea in mind that as long as i could find a good relationship, someone that i wanted to share my life with that i could be comfortable and happy forever
[18:05] roninofinochi: what happened to that idea
[18:06] turtle4616: its falso, i can't find all that comfort and completeness in another person
[18:06] turtle4616: i can find someone to compliment that, but not complete it
[18:06] turtle4616: and alot of times i find myself blaming my unhappiness on him
[18:07] turtle4616: i feel like a lot of people define themselves by their relationships
[18:07] turtle4616: that's just one facet of a person
[18:07] roninofinochi: what else defines a person
[18:08] turtle4616: what you find inside, the beauty, passion and faults that are within, not what is brought out by someone else
[18:10] roninofinochi: so would you say that all those things are already inside
[18:10] turtle4616: yes, but it seems much easier, or i guess convenient (up to a point) to have it magnified by another person
[18:10] roninofinochi: keep going
[18:11] turtle4616: it seems like less work, but i think in the end its easy for a person to really lose sight of themselves
[18:12] turtle4616: relationships aren't always peaches n cream, people are different and its important to realize that it doesn't necessarily mean you are at fault because of conflict
[18:12] turtle4616: i'm not sure if that's exactly what i wanted to say
[18:12] roninofinochi: try again
[18:13] turtle4616: conflict can be healthy, in a lot of ways that's how you learn
[18:13] turtle4616: that's not the only venue
[18:13] turtle4616: its dealing with it in a healthy manner that i find so important
[18:14] turtle4616: and that is true in relationships with friend, lovers, and yourself
[18:14] roninofinochi: back to this idea that we have all these things inside us but others magnify them
[18:14] turtle4616: ok
[18:15] roninofinochi: why do you think certain things get maginfied
[18:15] turtle4616: that, i don't know
[18:16] roninofinochi: well if i could pose an idea
[18:16] turtle4616: sure
[18:19] roninofinochi: so for a moment assume that were are nothing more than a bunch of old patterns
[18:19] roninofinochi: as we meet people
[18:20] roninofinochi: they pull out these qualities in us that are out of balance so we can resolve them and move to a higher state of well being
[18:21] turtle4616: the difficulty for me is not blaming that on them, not being angry at them for it
[18:21] roninofinochi: the anger is there to let you know that your thinking is not congruent with what you are
[18:22] roninofinochi: you are not all that different from that person
[18:22] roninofinochi: and the anger is saying stop thinking that way
[18:22] turtle4616: and not expecting that from the other person
[18:22] roninofinochi: and identify what it is inside youthat is coming out
[18:23] turtle4616: so often i feel like i'm recognizing and trying to change that for the sake of the relationship and not necessarily for myself, and i expect that same hard work from the other person
[18:24] roninofinochi: we can't change anything out there, and the more we expect it the more we strugle
[18:24] roninofinochi: we can only change our thoughts and reactions
[18:25] turtle4616: i think that is going to be one of the hardest things for me to remember...
[18:25] roninofinochi: the things we need we often forget to give to others.
[18:26] roninofinochi: when wee need understanding or acceptance we often forget to give it to those around us
[18:26] turtle4616: so true
[18:28] turtle4616: thank you so much for listening and talking with me
[18:28] roninofinochi: np
[18:28] roninofinochi: thats what friends are for
[18:29] turtle4616: i think i'm gonna go relax for a little bit, is it ok if i call you sometime in the near or later future to talk some more?
[18:29] roninofinochi: i hope you would
[18:29] roninofinochi: i always enjoy seeing your number on my phone
[18:29] turtle4616: :) thank you!!!
No comments:
Post a Comment