Once again in the past couple of days I’ve done a lifetime of learning. Spent an evening with Heather, and night at the bar with some friends. And I came home after all of that wanting to go be free and wander, but I also really wanted some companionship. I spent the evening wondering why I was craving so much for that. At Heather’s we watched Sex and the City and I’ve been reading this book and I started thinking about love and relationships. The kind of relationship I’ve always dreamed of having, and I started wondering if it was ever achievable. I started thinking about my relationship with Chad, which it was not going in the direction that I need and this launched me into a tumbler of thoughts and emotions. But I was supposed to get up the next morning and spend the day with him. When all I really wanted to do was be by myself. When I saw him I so much didn’t want to that I suddenly sank into this terrible mood and he knew something was wrong and started acting all goofy and generally weird to try to cheer me up out of something that no one was going to be able to cheer me up out of. So we went and we made a stab at some adventures and we really tried to have fun but we ended up at this secret place on a big rock pile with him asking me what my dreams are. And I think I learned something yesterday, I think I learned that no matter what I have to say, no matter how hurtful it is, I can tell Chad my heart. We talked about what was going on in my head, whether it had anything to do with him or not. And it felt really good to open up to him on that rock pile, to have him listen to me babble out my world about the way I perceive the world. How much I’ve given to other people and I’ve left myself with nothing. How I’m lonely sometimes because I don’t have my nightowl buddy. How I don’t think its fair sometimes that I just get one day a week to be with him, with him and nothing or no one else. The man I love I see fleetingly, but I get to spend one day a week with him. We talked about how in the first week I met him, he swept me off my feet and I miss that. He stopped doing the little things, the little thoughtful, important things that mean more to me than anything else. And we came to an understanding. And I have a trust in him and in the relationship that things will change. But my summer learning and growing and changing is not done. This is my prodigal summer of growth and I shall take full advantage of it.
