I feel broken... I can't feel, its just empty in there. I can't believe that all that I've worked so hard for has fallen apart. I can't comprehend how I could love one person so much in this world of detachment and lose it all. I can't let it go, I can't leave it all behind, it was my life, my world and its in pieces!!!!! How am I supposed to move past that, how can I tell myself that it will be ok, that I can move on and be happy??? I've never felt such a happiness, didn't even know it could exist as I felt with him. I fell in love and I fell so hard, and I can't even come to a place of acceptance that it was all for naught. Love and compassion are supposed to build grand things, its built me, why couldn't I take that energy that was so kindly passed on to me and put it into a relationship? It seems as if on some level every person in this world can feel that, at least if they don't want to feel it they can recognize it and respect it. In this relationship I, for the first time saw that all of my dreams could come true, that they were being realized, that life had a true purpose and that I deserved it. That life with all of its nuances could actually turn out with a happy ending. What did I do? Why is it so hard to be dependable and honest??!?!?! Why am I not allowed to have that? How is it that having emotions is such a detrimental and scary thing to so many people? We are boxed up in these nice little skins, with these incredible minds and we aren't supposed to use them. With the addendum that if we do, it should only be to deceive someone else. To tell them all the nice little pretties knowing that you are never going to achieve it. That there is no true desire to. Its happy faces all the time, yeah I'm fine, I'm dealing, it sucks but I'll move on... Its not that easy but no one wants to actually deal with it. And if that random person does (me) they are too emotional, too sensitive, too something. I'm here, I feel as if I was put on this earth to feel and to enjoy it, to revel in it, to accept it, to love it, to give it. Why is it such a taboo thing to express an emotion? And since its such a taboo, why can't I just conform? Why can't I just not express it? Why can't I deny it in myself? Everyone else does. Where's the malfunction? There's got to be a big one somewhere, but I can't find it...
