Dreamscapes

7-30-06 7:03 am

I may seem strong
Like there is nothing wrong
But I am so easily broken
Piece by piece
I am chipped away
By all of your empty hearted words
You try and get to me
Seeping through my cracks
hoping I will forget all you have done
Telling me all you think I want to hear
But it doesn't work that way
Another piece of me just falls away
Because I know
Things will never be the same

I thought this was going to work
I thought it was fate
That we were meant to be
But things got in the way
Obstacles of timing and physical desire
And the fear of what they could cause
But you chose this way
It seems like you didn't even try
Not even for me
But I know you know
You can’t get me back
And I think you think
That makes it okay
I just hope you soon realize
Exactly what you let walk away

Please get out of my dreams. I’m trying so hard to get back on my feet and I’m hurting so bad and you insist on haunting me. Please leave me alone. I’m trying to find at least a little comfort somewhere and you even try to take my sleep from me. I was sad yesterday and I missed you. I wanted to fall into your arms. I wanted to come over and crawl into your bed and have your cats walk all over me. How can I miss you? I find myself somehow scared and hopeful I’ll pass you on the street, or see you in the grocery store. It’s twisted. I’ll hope you’ll see me and realize what you did to me, maybe be honest to yourself for once. I don’t understand how I ever loved you, or why I still do, but somehow its still there and I think that hurts the most because I’m not supposed to. Why did you have to go and do this?

Wild things

7-29-06 11:57 pm

I think I got mostly everything packed for the beach. I had a really hard time packing for some reason. Couldn’t focus on what I needed to pack and then just couldn’t make myself do it. We had book club and HMH lunch today and that was really nice. We talked about Prodigal Summer and I just can’t get over how much that book impacted my life. It was such a spiritual journey for me to read it. It led me to so many questions about love and what to expect and made me wonder about the relationship I was in and why I was in it. The characters were so complex and so beautiful and so human. The way the book intertwines humankind with nature fascinated me and touched me to the very core of my being. Over the past month I’ve come to many conclusions. I love the people around me, I am in love with my friends and I get back everything I give to them. I have surrounded myself with beautiful people and the people that are ugly inside will find their way out of my life on their own. While relationships take work, being in love doesn’t. Love doesn’t hurt and you shouldn’t have to work to love someone, it just is and it just does. If it hurts, it isn’t love and more than likely, you don’t love yourself. The thing that destroys most relationships is the attachment to being right. We are so in love with the idea of being in love, and we are so programmed that we have to be in love with someone else that it is forgotten that there is a person inside that needs just as much attention as we are craving to receive from someone else, and give someone else.

I am looking so forward to being alone for awhile. I’m looking forward to find my zen spot where its ok for me to just be with myself and no one else. Where I don’t have to have that attention to find myself valuable. I’m looking forward to spending time with my friends and enjoying the company of myself.

The other thing that I think I need to say is, thank you so much to all of you who have been there, and continue to be there for me through all of this. I bared my soul to you, and you still love me. The bottom can sometimes be so dark and to know that people will sit there when you are crying every ounce of your lifeblood out and you look up and they are crying with you, that, that is true love. Thank you so much.

I on my lunch from work. A lot going through my head these days. Chris called me this morning and that lifted my spirits a lot. He told me not to be a stranger :). And I talked to him about everything and told him a lot about what was going on with me. I'm pissed still a lot about what Chad has been saying on his blog, about how I'm the one that is lying but I'm also really sad for him. He has lost the best thing of his life and will never have a chance to get it back. I think he's going to fulfill one of his biggest fears and that is to end up alone.

On a brighter note, I'm blogging in the library, which makes me extremely happy. It reminds me of school, I can't wait to go back to school. I checked out a book that a friend at work recommended to me and I'm going to take it to the beach. I love the library, its huge, clean and really bright. And they have computers that allow internet access, so I don't have to go home on my lunch breaks anymore.

I was told by work that they are moving me back to the bakery not next week but the week after. I'm excited about that. I still like my job and I'm not going to let it start getting to me, but the rules on the front end are a bit frustrating. I haven't so much felt the consequences of them but I've seen others feel them. It always makes me angrier to see other peoples injustice.

I went to Jon Dukes going away party last night. That was really nice. He told me that I must call him on Thursday's from now on. :) So every thursday night I will be placing a call to Jon Duke. He is going to Wilmington until December and then he is going to New Canaan, New Hampshire until 2008. He's going to be playing in the dirt and then help us start our co-op. Very exciting. I love him so much I'm going to miss him greatly!!! Anyway, must go!!

Lost

I don’t know what to say. I’m hurt because you went into my computer and looked at something that wasn’t yours to look at. You read 1 out of 3 logs between this person and myself. Ani became a person that I could vent my frustration to that I never saw. Usually relationship frustration vented in the form of sexual conversation.

I never once looked into your logs between your ex boyfriend or any of your friends. There are a lot of times things are said but never acted on that are kept secret and left alone. The things said between Ani and I were like that.

I don’t think I should have to defend myself from things I talked about but never did but I am since you decided to read 1 of Ani’s 3 logs. There are two things I can think of that could cause this kind of reaction from you.

1) Trying to get a 3 some. Generally this was late at night, or after a fight and I was frustrated so we talked about it. Ani managed to get some X and that was something I wanted you to try. A side affect is how friendly you might become. There was not going to be anything forced on you as you saw yourself. Noone forced anything on you that night. Noone tried to get you to do anything you didn’t want. Words said, but never acted on.

2) Trying to get ani in bed. This is one that I knew I should have deleted but since I never acted on it and both times I was Drunk, we had just fought and I never even came close to acting on either would be enough to keep me safe. Both times, the next day almost the moment I woke up I apologized to her and she understood. If you had read either, you would understand that it was a venting thing and nothing more. It feels good to have another woman want you when you are rejected but it’s a WHOLE different world when you actually do it.

Did I react badly when I found out you let a guy put his hand up your shirt and didn’t immediately fight him off? No, I kept calm and didn’t assume anything. Did I ever fight you when you kept seeing your ex boyfriend AND him? No, I trusted that while things my be said in frustration you would never betray my trust.

I have never once, even come close to betraying your trust in this fashion. You don’t have to believe me. You can ask her.

However, this comes to my point of this letter. You don’t follow what you preach. You assume, you are a self-victimizer, and you constantly want someone to feel sorry for you or pay attention to you. You put me through hell last night. You accused me of something I never did because you read something very very private to me, my only source of true venting. My way of venting.

All I could think of all weekend long was you. Ask Dave, ask Chris. The first and only thing I wanted to see when I came home was you. Before I even made it to my house, I had bought you flowers and showed up at your home but you weren’t there. I went to your work but you weren’t there. I put them in your planters in hopes that you’d see them. All I wanted was you.

Chris knows I didn’t cheat on you, he knows a lot. Everyone knows I didn’t cheat on you. I couldn’t. I love you to much and that’s why I never acted on my hurtful feelings. Lately you’ve been attacking me every single time we get together and I honestly believe you wanted a way out. You have it.

I don’t want to be in a relationship where I can’t talk to my friends about us. I don’t want to be in a relationship where one of my gf’s friends calls me and tells me I’m not welcome. I don’t want to be in a relationship where I can’t relax. I don’t want to be in a relationship where the trust is one sided.

I don’t want to be in a relationship where you are unhappy...

You’re free Hannah.

If you ever want to talk to me you know my number. I won’t bother you again. I’ve already cried my heart out.

Chad.

So…. This is the e-mail that I had this morning. This is after last night, after he got home from Canada, after he called me once really angry and then two more times begging me to call him back. Then, I had a call from Chris telling me I must have taken everything out of context, then I had a call from Ani telling me nothing ever would have happened, and then he had his Mom call me. As if there was any more of a question of a relationship? So, what ensues is the letter that if I were to have anymore communication with Chad I would send back, and this is just to make me feel better because this e-mail is so wrong. It makes me so mad, and it hurts so bad. I’m still waiting to throw up. I’m still waiting to stop having anxiety attacks. I’m still waiting to stop loving the person that I did so much.

Chad~ or whoever you are,

I did go into your computer and look at things I shouldn’t have. I was nosy, I have no excuse, and I’m very sorry for invading your privacy. I really don’t believe in invading anyone’s privacy and honestly I don’t know why I did it, except for mere curiosity. You had said many times in the past, that I would be shocked at the conversations between you and Ani, so I figured for my entertainment value that I would go ahead and be shocked and amused. I wasn’t expecting to find anything.

But as I read, my mouth and eyebrows went farther and farther apart, I couldn’t believe what I was reading. I kept going back and checking the dates to be sure that I was in the right year. No, I was, and you were talking about me, and our relationship. You had abused our trust early on, but, as I kept reading I figured I could swallow that a little, but no, there was more… You sent her that picture of me that you had taken. The one that we had agreed you wouldn’t share with anyone, and then you said, “Believe or not, she’s lost weight since that picture.” Ouch. Then you started talking more and more about drugs and more and more about how much more fun I was when I was intoxicated. That if you guys could just loosen me up you were sure you could get me to do just about anything. And she kept saying how she was going to defile me. I specifically remember you talking about how easy I was to get off and her saying something and you saying you were sure that if I were intoxicated enough that she could watch. You took pictures of our toys and showed them to her. You posted a profile on bondage.com saying that you and I were a couple looking for another couple to experiment with. We were? You told her that I had said I was completely comfortable with a threesome with another woman, but I wasn’t so sure about a man. And then June 23^rd you propositioned her a week in advance. You brought me home from bowling, and because I was sick and you were horny and lonely you needed a good fucking. And you apologized the next morning, but you just kept trying. You talked about how boring I was in bed, how we only had one kind of sex. But at one point you made a statement about what a good slave I was. I don’t understand.

The thing is, about Ani’s birthday, is that originally, you wanted me to go to a hotel, alone with you, and her and whoever else. You say that you weren’t going to do anything, but what else are you going to say now? I’m glad that I was smart enough to tell you that I didn’t want to go to a strange place with strangers. Because no telling what you would have done to me that night. And no telling who would have actually believed me.

I didn’t let any guy put his hand up my shirt. Just like any girl doesn’t let any girl rape her. So you can go fuck yourself you arrogant sonofabitch. When I met you, I told you very forwardly that I would always be friends with Matt and that if you had a problem with it that we couldn’t date. That was the deal we made. Can’t say anything about it now.

Just grasping at strings aren’t you.

I don’t need to ask her. I can reference the logs, where you and she discussed how you shouldn’t tell me; how you had lied and told me you had just watched her and her boyfriend having sex. I’ll be happy to tell you what page and line that starts.

Sometimes I don’t follow what I preach. You’re very right in this aspect, I’m sorry about that. But babe, when it comes down to it, no one really does. I do assume a lot of things, and I try really hard not to, I don’t self victimize, that makes life much harder than it has to be. And I really hate getting attention from people. But let me teach you an important lesson. When you’re in a relationship, its important to give your significant other attention, that means love, guidance, little gestures, you know, well maybe you don’t. I’m not sorry I put you through hell, I hope it was hell, I hope you stay in hell, because you deserve it, you deserve more than hell Chad. I hope you never get a chance to do this to anyone else ever again. “You accused me of something I never did because you read something very very private to me, my only source of true venting.” I don’t get this part. You did do what you vented about, I’m sorry if that’s not quite clear. Your reality is way off love.

Another important lesson: flowers don’t fix it all. You ruined my birthday; you made it out like I had done something terrible to you, when you just couldn’t handle a little honesty. Flowers weren’t going to make my birthday better.

If I was just looking for a way out, god knows I would have found a much less painful way. Chris doesn’t know anything, Chris hasn’t read the logs, Chris hasn’t been in this relationship. Sadly, I think I’m going to lose some friends that I thought would be forever friends because you are the best manipulator I have ever known. You’re really good; I will give it to you. And Chris is mad because he had to come home to this. Tell him I am sorry about that. Wait, you should tell him you’re sorry for being such a liar. You don’t have a choice in what relationship you want anymore, you have no more options. I loved you more than you ever deserved. And I still do, and it breaks my heart when I wake up in the morning and it hurts every time I think about it. Everyday passes by so slowly when your heart is in a million pieces.

7-22-06 1:29 pm

I don’t even know where to begin. Its still all sinking in. Chad is not the person I knew and loved. He used me in every way he could conceive and then threw me away on the occasion that I wasn’t what he was looking for. He should not be allowed to put one toenail on this beautiful planet because everything he touches he rots. He is everything bad that has ever happened to me in my life. He is the migraine that got inside my head, the sister that molested me and took away my innocence, the father that beat me and psychologically abused me. He is my worst dream.

Shock. I can’t even breath sometimes. My heart starts racing and I start shaking all over. I get chills. Trying to ring up customers I’m fighting back tears. I can’t stop it and I have no control. I have a rock in my stomach, and I catch myself retching. If I could just throw it up I think I might feel a little better, but its like I’m stuck with it. I’m drunk with pain, drugged with sorrow. I don’t want anyone to ever touch me in a sexual manner ever again, I don’t want to ever look at a toy again. I’ll never know when to trust, I won’t ever even be able to trust myself. I won’t walk at the lake again for fear that I’ll come upon him…

Bougainvillea

7-19-06 10:09 pm

I like cigarette smoke.

Boys voices.

Guitars.

Yummy food.

Death by chocolate.

Escape.

Running away.

Release.

Sex.

Orgasms.

Pleasure from pain.

Good friends.

Laughing.

True love.

I hate birthdays.

Trust.

Broken hearts.

Anger.

Lonesome love.

I’m sitting on my porch chain smoking. I’ll be glad when this pack of cigarettes is done and I won’t by another. My geraniums are in full bloom. I’m watching the next door black kitty cats following their owner out every time she takes something to the trash. Its really cute, they come galloping after her from the back of the house, its so funny, I want to go play with them. Who says black kitties are bad luck??

Today was a good day; I ended it knowing I have delightful friends. People that I can depend on and love.

But alas, I end it broken hearted and lost. I give my all of my love to the people in my life friends and lovers alike, but somehow I come up short. I’m not sure what else to do; in the end I get called a spoiled brat. Am I? I think I can answer that question confidently knowing that I don’t even know what the definition of that phrase is. I do know that I have to be true to myself and in that process sometimes others get hurt, but my true nature is so nurturing and caring most of the time that doesn’t happen. But people are selfish creatures, and it does happen that people get hurt by honesty. I can’t change anyone but myself. And I’m tired of people trying to change me so that I fit into their little box. Take me and love me like I am. Sometimes I’m not always tolerable, hell, sometimes I can’t stand myself but damn.

I felt feelings tonight that I can’t even describe. Sick to my stomach. Knives, ripping through loins from stomach to heart. I had a moment, a tangible, touchable moment when if I had a knife I would have just ended it, it would have been done. I’m tired of feeling, tired of hurting. I want something more stable than disappointment to stand on.

Shattered

Moon

You’re full of reckless oblivion
On a full moon night
Your face is in the shadows
And your form I cannot spite
As bloody clouds dance
In a half-drunken brawl
And although I must miss you
I hardly know you at all
Tatter dreams with tired curtains
Frame my lamp-lit soul
But within my mortal flame
Beats a shallow piece of coal
Your ancient spirit’s heavy
But you have always bore it well
And as we lie together here,
Your secrets it will tell
I can see meshing branches
And hear a heartless laugh
I'm going on to Harlem
And I won't be coming back
So scream it all to the moon tonight
My hands are one with your skin
As a coin clinks in the darkness
And I think of what might have been
Our shed clothing lies upon the floor
Soaked with tears of rage
You only thought is to hold me near
Your madness is a cage
And in your hollow dreams tonight
I'll walk out of this room
And if you want me in the dawn
You'll find me in the moon
Your sorrow is a song I’ll sing
And I’ll bring to you my bone
Although you have my body
My fragile soul is just on loan.

7-15-06 7:59 pm

Hung out with him today. Hadn’t planned on it at all. But Tharkin called me and asked me to go see Pirates with him and then we went back to the apartment. He was lying on the bed reading a book about dating. I was so cold and sleepy from the movie I crawled under the covers and we looked through the book together. We had fun together, those are the moments that make me want to be around him for the rest of the night, the times when I want him to love on me and be affectionate and sweet for the rest of the night. But it doesn’t happen that way, he detaches… It’s like he’s done his duty and he doesn’t have anymore to give. And I feel like I’m crowding him if I snuggle any longer.

I put on this fierce, independent, strong face. But I’m not, not in the end. I’m not made to go back and forth. I’m not made to never know where I stand with someone. I’m not made to know if its ok to be in love with someone or not. I need to know where my heart belongs, if I can safely give it to another or not. It hurts so badly. Is it so wrong to want to be saved? I’m tired of doing the saving, the coaching, and the loving. I want to be saved, loved, coached, and taken care of emotionally and spiritually. Not completely, just a little bit, just to have the weight taken off of my shoulders for a little while.

I’m so tired, so exhausted, so broken and hungry. I’m so drained and shelled that I’m surprised I look so whole, I’m surprised there is still a spot to place the mask anymore. But the glue is not as sticky as it once was…

Pluots

7-14-06 6:33 pm

Gotta go to girls night soon. I’m really excited J. I’m tired too, but I’m hoping that will go away. Tomorrow I’m supposed to spend some time with Matt and the apparently my movie night that I thought was off is now on again?? I’m tired of this and its frustrating. You know, these girls, the girls I’m going to be with, they are tried and true. I’ve had my moments, now Mel and Heather, they are down to the bone nitty gritty, real. They won’t leave you hanging.

This new job is really interesting, getting to know people and whatnot, its always an adventure. I kind of like being the outsider, observing everybody, watching how everyone interacts. I like to watch the guys observe me, I like to watch the chicks get jealous because everyone has already picked out their person that they like and its just amusing to watch them. I’m not there to stir things up by any means and some people have taken to me and are so friendly while others are keeping their distance. I was driving to work this morning thinking even if I don’t end up enjoying liking the actual job at least I’ll still get the satisfaction out of watching the people. I called Chad on my way home from work today, don’t know why I did it, got off work a little early and had some extra time. My evening with him last night was so surprisingly nice. Tonight, not so much, he’s reverting, back to the same self involved person I know. I was talking about school and my worries. Ya know, just blabbering, what I do sometimes. And he stops me in the middle and says, “I know this doesn’t need to be said, but I’m there for you.” I looked at him and said, if you knew it didn’t need to be said then why did you say it? Its selfish, because its like you’re saying it for yourself. He was like, “I kind of am.” I said, well I’m talking about myself right now, that may be selfish, but this isn’t about you. Is that ok? Can that be ok? Can I feel alright about that? And then he was like, “Ok, let’s go!” I wasn’t ready to go! I wasn’t done talking, opening up, worrying, just talking about what was on my mind. This is why I’m frustrated, and I shut down, because once I start opening up, I get shut down. Ugh.

Deafening

7-13-06 1:09 am
I wish I was sitting on a balcony smoking a cigarette with my beloved.Wandering away the aimless days with pointless words. Speaking them to that person and sending them up with that lost and lonely smoke. With that person that understands. That one. But there will never be that one. That one that understands. That can be ok with my ways. My naked nights my sleepless wandering days. My restless thoughts. My eager ways. My lonely but wanting love. I will forever be alone and forever be loneless with my forever friends. That bedroom with the false flowers and the songless birds that get to hear the endless cadence of my snoring. That one, lone cadence. I can hear the dim sound of the katydids outside and I want to be out there wandering, listening to them, but not by myself, with a silent, understanding partner in tow. But I will never find that one that can wander and understand that on those nights, no human voice need be heard, just celestial. Just my thoughts and theirs off in the voices of those winged insects and so much can be said in that. There’s so much, so much… And I’m so alone…

The more you live, the less you die

Your beauty,
it covers you like skin,
it blocks your heart,
and masks
your innerself.
My beauty,
it radiates,
and envelops others
like warm sunrays
on a day as cold
as you
-me

The Morning After Pillow

Does love sleep?
Or keep its favor
Or cradle a nightmare of a
Different color
hesitating in the middle distance
Blocking the lane for the ambulance

Between the eroticism of detail
And an indefinite article

Devotion torn from the gift wrapping
Discoloring the hunger of stained glass

Like the inflatable globe that blows up in your face
Like the juggler trying to cover his fourth mistake

A blizzard of the heart
And the domino of principles

The domino of principles
And a blizzard of the heart

The 14th and 15th of February
Are only an eyelid apart.
-me


Prothalamium- only the parts I like

Come, all you who are not satisfied
as ruler in a lone, wallpapered room
full of mute birds, and flowers that falsely bloom,
and closets choked with dreams that long ago died!

We'll sweep out shadows, where the rats long fed;
sweep out our shame-- and in its place we'll make
a bower for love, a splendid marriage-bed
fragrant flowers aquiver for the Spring.
And when he comes, our murdered dreams shall wake;
and when he comes, all the mute birds shall sing.
-Aaron Kramer



Feeling rather nostalgic, opened my scrapbook today for the first time in years. I had kept it away thinking there wasn't much in there. Boy was I wrong. A lot came to me in that moment. Blue was here, I don't know but I think pieces of me flew out of it, maybe my ghost came out but I wasn't prepared for it. Try as I could I tried to hide all the pieces that I could of my relationship with Matt. All the parts that I knew would bring back memories. But you can't hide memories. Well there were bits of memories in my scrap book. And it was funny, I was talking about some of the cool things that Matt and I used to do to Chad the other day. I was telling him about the frog book, about how Matt and I used to journal to each other in it and we'd pass it back and forth to each other. And then my first birthday present from him, the handwritten calendar, full of quotes and funnies, one for everyday. In my scrapbook, I found a couple of the notes that we used to write each other on receipt paper. I had forgotten about all of these things. Just really cool to me that I still have these good memories and can look back on them and smile :).

In other news... I spent time with Chad yesterday, Monday, and Sunday. And he wanted to see me today. Strange huh? Considering that we weren't going to spend as much time together. Now let me clarify, I saw him for a total of 30 minutes on Monday and for about 2 hours yesterday but it still confuses me to the max! So I told him I was just going to do my own thing today because I definitely don't want to get back into the same previously detrimental cycle as before. Plus, I had other plans for today and I was about to break them because he told me he wanted to see me, what the hell is up with that? Why do I do that? Its my life and I should run it on my terms and do what I set out to do in the mornings with variations based on what I want, not on others needs and desires. Stupid girl.

I like my new job. I like the people there. They already started letting me run a register because I have so much previous experience. I've been invited to see a couple of bands by this guy and I was also invited to a party this weekend. Very cool indeed ;). Everyone is so friendly, the first day I was walking out of the back with another new person and the guys in the deli stopped us and said hello and introduced themselves, very cool. I love people like that who will draw me out my shell and encourage the friendliness. So, with that happy thought in mind, on with the day!!!

Wilting magnolias

7-10-06 11:42 am

Yesterday was a good day. I seem to have shaken the chains off for the time being and I’m managing to spread my wings. We went to the flea market and I was quiet, I was enjoying myself, wandering around looking at things, doing what I normally do, and a couple of times I caught myself having the thought that Chad was probably upset that I wasn’t with him and he was probably thinking that I was mad or something but I just let that feeling go. I was happy and I was enjoying myself and that was obvious. Then we spent another couple of hours together, it wasn’t long but it was just the two of us and it was really nice, for the first time in a long time it was obvious that he was really into me. That was really nice. Anyway, we also played DnD last night and I got to start playing my character that I’ve adopted again. Pymoi, I think that’s how you spell his name. I know, I’m a nerd but so much fun. But I have to say, it wasn’t the game, it was the fact that during the game Chad was putting his foot on my leg, he was moving his foot up and down my leg. Do you know that I couldn’t even concentrate? That’s not something that happens between us, not a comfortable closeness that exists, and certainly not one that most people ever become conscious of. How long will this last?? I don’t know, but I’m not going to be afraid of it because it’s not my place to be afraid of the past or the future. And I don’t believe in living in fear.

Burning ears

dangling bells

fleeting instances

shadows

blowjobs

waking tears

waking fears

broken eyes

driving away

lost moments

Nightmares…

Juicy

7-9-06 11:17 am

And thus I have created my own coffee shop in the comfort of my own kitchen. Free. I’m poor as hell but I’m pretty happy. I’m feeling that happy, passionate person coming back into sight and its starting to feel really good. Plums and blackberries seem to be the name of the game and friends and good times seem to be the taste of life. Wait, I think I got that backwards… Who the hell cares, the ingredients are all that matters. Went out and celebrated Jenn’s 21^st again last night and at first wasn’t so much fun but it turned out be such good times. Except for the stinky Jew. He was a little creepy, and smelly. Who lets out stinky farts multiple times upon first introduction especially after being called on it? I hope he bodes well in the holy land. I don’t know what it is about smelliness but it’s a huge, and I mean HUGE turn off for me, don’t fart, stinkily and then ask me to sit on your lap, I’ll tuck tail and run. Heh.

Anyway, things to seem to be looking up, Chad and I seem to have come to some sort of understanding, we have thrown the idea of starting over out the window but we are still more casual, which I’m very happy with. As long as I’m aware that he’s aware of me we’re ok. I’m a very low maintenance person, but I think love and attention goes both ways and I don’t think that’s too much to expect. In relationships if I can’t get what I give I can’t be expected to stay. So after the first part of our date Friday night things weren’t fairing so well, he brought me back from dinner with the relationship at a close but needless to say something wasn’t right. As I’ve said before many times and to those of you who’ve heard this story I’m very much one to follow my gut. My gut was telling me something was not right and I wasn’t ready to let go of this one quite yet. I don’t know how long this relationship is going to last. That’s not my place to guess, and I don’t need to be making those plans. I just want to live in the now. My now is really cool.

I’ve had a friend offer to do a painting of me. A nude painting, not an erotic painting but somewhat a portrait of the human form. I’m seriously considering taking him up on the offer. What an offer! A once in a lifetime thing and something that I’ve always dreamed of, and hell, if I don’t like it, I can hide it in my closet.

Its really nice to be finding my way out of the bottom, out of the pit that I seem to find my way into every year, to be appreciating myself and to feel whole…

Scion

7-7-06 3:23

In about 30 minutes I’m going to start getting ready for my second date with Chad. I’m feeling a little better today, definitely less emotionally attached than I was yesterday. This week has been a journey of lives. I really don’t have any expectations for this date except that I know how I feel. I feel like I’m not nearly as invested as I was and I don’t think I ever could be again. I think my faith in this boy has gone out the window. Don’t really have any desire to develop it again. That does make me a little sad because I fear what his expectations are. I’ve got a job now and I’m going to start making my own stability. This I can afford myself, this, is one of the things I was so afraid of losing. I needed to mourn or grieve or whatever but I’m definitely feeling as if I can pull myself out of this one and I will no longer be dangling by his string. Not really sure what else to say, all of my thoughts are discombobulated… I will say, part of me does regret letting myself fall, I tried to stop it for so long, and I guess I just got weak and let my defenses down. I don’t regret much, but this I’m thinking so, I’m finding it hard to find the good in this one.

There Is No Good Reason
I should have to be so alone
I'm smothered by this emptiness
Lord I wish I was made of stone
Like I fool I lent my soul to love
And it paid me back in change
God help me

Am I the only one who's ever felt this way?

A heart that’s worn and weathered

Would know better than to fight

But I wore mine like a weapon

Played out love like a crime

And it wrung me out and strung me out

And it hung years on my face

Now my sense of humor needs a break

I see a shadow in the mirror

And she’s laughing through her tears

One more smile’s all I can fake

There is a wound inside me

And its bleeding like a flood

There’s times when I see a light ahead

And hope is not enough

As another night surrounds me

And it pounds me like a wave

God help me, and I the only one who’s ever felt this way?

Cloudy skies

7-6-06 9:49 pm

So, I thought I was just going to take some Nyquil and sink into a drugged sleep, but alas, I slept for a bit undrugged and woke up feeling a little better. I’ve still got so much going through my mind. I talked to Aaron for awhile about it and he was really helpful. He asked me what Chad hoped to accomplish with this starting over thing. I told him I wasn’t really sure. It was a very good question. I think that this isn’t going to work. I think I’m not in a capacity right now to date and that’s what he wants to do. I don’t know how to date, never really done it before and right now, if I’m dating I want to be dating multiple people I think. I have that option because we are no longer exclusive but do I really have that option??

I gave a guy my number at open mic night last night. More than anything I think it was to show myself that I could do it. I don’t really care if he calls, he was cute and an incredible guitar player but, it was a testament to myself that I was able to stumble through the words of giving a guy my number.

I am confused and I think a little frustrated. Like I said I feel like I’ve been disposed of just enough that I’m no longer inconvenient. Chad is no longer a form of comfort to me, when something goes wrong he will not be the person I go to anymore looking comfort. Our relationship no longer allows that sort of closeness. Someone told me today that knowing me was like coming home, that he couldn’t quite name it but that I brought some sort of comfort to people. He told me I was like hot chocolate on a winter morning. This is not someone I’m romantically linked to, this is a friend that simply said he’d wished he’d known me sooner.

Its interesting to me that I choose to love the one person that can’t love me that way. Am I trying to change him? Intellectually I don’t believe in changing people, their problems are their own and while I care my friend’s struggles and sadness and whatnot I can’t fix them. I care ever so deeply for what they are going through but there is a point when they nor I can no longer dump it on me. You can’t ask a broken person to fix broken things.

I gave me away, could have knocked off the evening
But a lonelilly landed my waltz in her hands
In a way I felt you were leaving me and I was sure I wouldn't find you at home
You let me down could have knocked off the evening
But you lonelilly let him push under your bone
You let me down, its no use deceiving
Neither of us wanna be alone, you're coming home
I gave me away, could have knocked off the evening
But I was lonelilly looking for someone to hold
In a way I lost all I believed in
And I never found myself so low
And you let me down
You could have called if you needed
But you lonelilly got yourself locked instead
And you let me down, its one thing being cheated
But you took him all the way through your bed
And now you're coming home
And I'm trying to forget you're coming
I'm trying to move on and you're coming home
And you haven't called yet you're coming home
And I'm trying to forgive you're coming home
And I'm trying to forget you're coming
And I'm trying to move on you're coming home
I gave me away
I could have knocked off the evening
But I lonelilly loomed her into my bone
You let me down, there's no use deceiving
Neither of us wanna be alone

Daggers

7-5-06 10:22am

I think it hurts. I think its going to hurt for awhile and I definitely feel like its ok to be sad. Chad and I talked last night and we came to the mutual agreement that we needed to start over. Now, both my head and my heart tell me this is ok, but it does still hurt. A lot. I feel like I’ve been broken up with. And I don’t care who you are, a relationship, no matter what it is, and no matter how bad it might be is hard to come out of. So, I find myself I guess lonely for companionship and that affection. Who knew after what four days a person could become so pathetic. I’m trying to figure out why I’m so pathetic. Or feel that way.

Why am I so hungry to have someone by my side? I think I confuse myself a lot because in the grand scheme of things I don’t spend that much time around people these days, but I do like to be social after spending sometime by myself. I think Chad was kind of my fall back plan. Now I feel kind of naked. That’s kind of terrible of me isn’t it? Using him like that? And not even knowing it. Hmmm…

7-6-06 4:34 pm

Ok, really hurting now… It really hurts, its one of those hurts that takes over and almost takes your breath away. It hurts to breath. It hurts to cry, it hurts to do anything. I’ve run from it for a couple of days, distracting myself, hiding, putting on a strong face but it has caught up. It started hurting yesterday, and I couldn’t figure out why, I knew that it was because I felt like I had been broken up with, but I couldn’t place the feelings. Now, its because I feel gotten rid of, and disposed of just enough so that I’m no longer inconvenient. He washed his sheets, piled my stuff on his kitchen table… He’s cleaning me out of his life. He had moved his bed a couple of weeks ago so that we could both get into it from either side, he moved it back. I don’t know why he did all these things, and it’s not really worthwhile to guess, but it doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt. I guess I kinda wonder if he thinks starting over is going to make me a different person, or maybe him a different person? I’m not quite sure how this is all supposed to work and I feel like I’m kind of dangling by a string… In all the relationships I’ve had in the past I’ve just fallen into them, I haven’t had to work up to them. Not saying I haven’t had to work on them, but there hasn’t been any question about being together for that time, this is new and uncharted territory. I’m to the point where I’m questioning whether I want to continue, love isn’t supposed to hurt.

It took all my strength to rescue the winter
Torn and splintered, not a sound
Came from the emptiness
The place we had entered
And all our senses in tears were drowned

A heart still breaking
Always trying to forget you

Beavers

It’s the fourth of july. It’s been a very quiet day, and I’ve enjoyed it, but I’m also a bit lonely I think. I can’t figure out if I’m lonely because I feel like I should be or I’m missing Chad, or I’m just missing that companionship. But every time I thought about calling him or iming him or something, I couldn’t stand the thought of the conversation that was bound to occur. The misunderstanding and argument that is promised to ensue. I talked to Sunny about it a little today, sometimes I get really mad when talking to her, and I’m still trying to figure out why. But we talked about how you can’t really delve in the reason behind someone’s action or why they do something because most of the time you are not correct. The things that we think someone else is thinking are generally not correct. But I think one of the biggest frustrations, and perhaps the biggest thing holding me back is that I live based on my experiences. In the past I’ve said that’s all I have, but if that’s all I have, that’s fear. So maybe there is something else to live based on, the here, the now, not what happened yesterday or ten years ago. But there are so many arguments I could produce against that. But why? It leads you to living based on expectations, which leads you to a life of disappointment because it’s so hard to achieve what you expect especially when it involves other people.

I think it’s really important to clarify something for myself. This does not mean I cannot request certain things, or enjoy things but having the attachment to those things is the key. To be able to make a request without expectations, and to be able to accept whatever the result may be. But even deeper than that, finding out why you want or desire something, or think you need something, to dig and find out the reason why(?) can then release you from that want or need. You can then gain a neutral position and that is the ultimate freedom.

So where does this lead me? I’m not quite sure. I think that I’m clarifying things for myself. I think to know that making requests is ok is really important to me. The self deprecation holds me back from knowing and accepting a lot of these things and convolutes up and down. But knowing that what has shied me away from making requests in the past is rejection is a door that has been unlocked and I’m not afraid to open that anymore. I don’t need to be afraid from rejection. If I release my expectations then there will be no more rejection.

Red foxes have really bushy tails

7-3-06 10:39pm

I’m tired, I’m really really tired. I don’t know if its from being up late last night, being on my period, all the crazy emotional shit or what, but I’m exhausted and I’m looking forward to crawling into bed. I spent the day in job interviews and hanging out with Heather and whatnot and my head is kind of cloudy and some things are a little clearer. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about the kind of man that I want. This may sound incredibly retarded but we’ve done a lot of watching Sex and the City in the past week and for some reason that has given me a lot of insight. But also, my relationship with Chad has given me more insight than I think I ever wanted. Bleh. I’m really lonely tonight, maybe because I’m a little buzzed, maybe because I’m sad that I can’t make this retarded relationship work, I don’t know. But I so desperately want to find someone that understands how I work and can have all the qualities and attributes that are so important to me. I want someone that will encourage my independence and my fierce passion and also take care of me. I want someone who isn’t so self absorbed that they can step outside and enjoy the bigger beautiful picture, but I want them to be insightful and loving of themselves… I gotta take a break because I’m tired but I will continue in the morning…

7-4-06 10:21am

Twelve hours later heh heh. I woke up at 5 am but really didn’t want to get out of bed. When I did finally peel myself out of bed around 10 I looked out my window and on the top of my car was a dozen roses in the shape of a heart on the top of my car. Now, I don’t even know what to think, my initial thought was, wow, that’s sweet, too bad I already knew about it and, too bad Chad knows I’m not very happy with him right now and is kissing my ass. (This is still part of my initial thought.) While part of me wants to feel really bad for him and call him and tell him thank you for the roses, the other part of me thinks its gonna take a lot more than a dozen roses to smooth all this over, if its smoothable overable. Its going to take pulling his head out of his ass and becoming a lot less self centered. Because I’m tired of hearing about how bad Chad’s life is, was, and is gonna be. I’m tired of hearing about his self perpetuated problems. You can’t ever open up to someone like that because all they really care about is themselves even if they tell you otherwise… Oh well, his problem, not mine… On with the day!!!

Luna moths have no mouths

Once again in the past couple of days I’ve done a lifetime of learning. Spent an evening with Heather, and night at the bar with some friends. And I came home after all of that wanting to go be free and wander, but I also really wanted some companionship. I spent the evening wondering why I was craving so much for that. At Heather’s we watched Sex and the City and I’ve been reading this book and I started thinking about love and relationships. The kind of relationship I’ve always dreamed of having, and I started wondering if it was ever achievable. I started thinking about my relationship with Chad, which it was not going in the direction that I need and this launched me into a tumbler of thoughts and emotions. But I was supposed to get up the next morning and spend the day with him. When all I really wanted to do was be by myself. When I saw him I so much didn’t want to that I suddenly sank into this terrible mood and he knew something was wrong and started acting all goofy and generally weird to try to cheer me up out of something that no one was going to be able to cheer me up out of. So we went and we made a stab at some adventures and we really tried to have fun but we ended up at this secret place on a big rock pile with him asking me what my dreams are. And I think I learned something yesterday, I think I learned that no matter what I have to say, no matter how hurtful it is, I can tell Chad my heart. We talked about what was going on in my head, whether it had anything to do with him or not. And it felt really good to open up to him on that rock pile, to have him listen to me babble out my world about the way I perceive the world. How much I’ve given to other people and I’ve left myself with nothing. How I’m lonely sometimes because I don’t have my nightowl buddy. How I don’t think its fair sometimes that I just get one day a week to be with him, with him and nothing or no one else. The man I love I see fleetingly, but I get to spend one day a week with him. We talked about how in the first week I met him, he swept me off my feet and I miss that. He stopped doing the little things, the little thoughtful, important things that mean more to me than anything else. And we came to an understanding. And I have a trust in him and in the relationship that things will change. But my summer learning and growing and changing is not done. This is my prodigal summer of growth and I shall take full advantage of it.