Shattered

Moon

You’re full of reckless oblivion
On a full moon night
Your face is in the shadows
And your form I cannot spite
As bloody clouds dance
In a half-drunken brawl
And although I must miss you
I hardly know you at all
Tatter dreams with tired curtains
Frame my lamp-lit soul
But within my mortal flame
Beats a shallow piece of coal
Your ancient spirit’s heavy
But you have always bore it well
And as we lie together here,
Your secrets it will tell
I can see meshing branches
And hear a heartless laugh
I'm going on to Harlem
And I won't be coming back
So scream it all to the moon tonight
My hands are one with your skin
As a coin clinks in the darkness
And I think of what might have been
Our shed clothing lies upon the floor
Soaked with tears of rage
You only thought is to hold me near
Your madness is a cage
And in your hollow dreams tonight
I'll walk out of this room
And if you want me in the dawn
You'll find me in the moon
Your sorrow is a song I’ll sing
And I’ll bring to you my bone
Although you have my body
My fragile soul is just on loan.

7-15-06 7:59 pm

Hung out with him today. Hadn’t planned on it at all. But Tharkin called me and asked me to go see Pirates with him and then we went back to the apartment. He was lying on the bed reading a book about dating. I was so cold and sleepy from the movie I crawled under the covers and we looked through the book together. We had fun together, those are the moments that make me want to be around him for the rest of the night, the times when I want him to love on me and be affectionate and sweet for the rest of the night. But it doesn’t happen that way, he detaches… It’s like he’s done his duty and he doesn’t have anymore to give. And I feel like I’m crowding him if I snuggle any longer.

I put on this fierce, independent, strong face. But I’m not, not in the end. I’m not made to go back and forth. I’m not made to never know where I stand with someone. I’m not made to know if its ok to be in love with someone or not. I need to know where my heart belongs, if I can safely give it to another or not. It hurts so badly. Is it so wrong to want to be saved? I’m tired of doing the saving, the coaching, and the loving. I want to be saved, loved, coached, and taken care of emotionally and spiritually. Not completely, just a little bit, just to have the weight taken off of my shoulders for a little while.

I’m so tired, so exhausted, so broken and hungry. I’m so drained and shelled that I’m surprised I look so whole, I’m surprised there is still a spot to place the mask anymore. But the glue is not as sticky as it once was…