8-31-06 12:29 pm

I have class soon. I don’t want to go in the rain. I had dreams last night, dreams of people, and things. Dreams that Chad was giving up on me, and I woke up hurting. And it hurt that I was hurting. I dreamed that he said he loved me but he didn’t want to be with me anymore because all he was doing was babysitting me. He didn’t want to babysit me anymore. Then he imed me this morning. We talked for a long time. He told me he needed to know what my feelings were on the situation. Where I stood. I told him I didn’t want to live my life in fear, and that I would no longer. But that trust was not really there anymore. I told him that I didn’t know what was going to happen between him and I, I don’t want to make any plans. The universe brings me things to teach me lessons and I need to learn them. I’m certainly not hurting like I was, but there are still times when everything becomes painful, and I’m not sure I’ll ever be over him. I love him, loved him and he stays in my thoughts.

I saw your side was not slept in
Cold sheets again
Remind me of what you said
We need to take a break for a while
It's been so long since I smiled
I don't wanna listen now
Live this day down

I don't wanna know it's over
So save your goodbye kiss
I don't want to know it's over
Cause ignorance is bliss
I can hardly see
What's in front of me

I think you can do much better than me
After all the lies that I made you believe
Guilt kicks in and I start to see
The edge of the bed
Where your nightgown used to be
I told myself I won't miss you
But I remembered
What it feels like beside you
I really miss your hair in my face
And the way your innocence tastes
And I think you should know this
You deserve much better than me

While looking through your old box of notes
I found those pictures I took
That you were looking for
If there's one memory I don't want to lose
That time at the mall
You and me in the dressing room
I told myself I won't miss you
But I remembered
What it feels like beside you
I really miss your hair in my face
And the way your innocence tastes
And I think you should know this
You deserve much better than me

The bed I'm lying in is getting colder
Wish I never would've said it's over
And I can't pretend that I won't think about you when I'm older
Cause we never really had our closure
This can't be the end

8-29-06 8:51 am

Something is going on inside me and I’m having a hard time figuring out what it is. I started feeling it yesterday. I wasn’t feeling nearly as with it and happy and upbeat and in touch as I was and then this morning I woke up and just did not want to be awake. The problem is, I don’t know why. For some reason I feel like I wasn’t as productive yesterday, but I was, I got a lot done. I’m mad at myself for taking a nap, which is stupid, I was so tired. I’m mad at myself for being tired, I feel like I shouldn’t be, like there is no reason for me to be tired already in the semester. Like taking a nap was letting myself down, and the reason why I feel like I was letting myself down was because I could have been doing something else during that time, and, I’m afraid I’ll get my body in the habit of wanting to sleep during the day, and somewhere along the line I learned that was a bad thing. The thing is, I got everything accomplished yesterday that I had planned on accomplishing, aside from meeting with someone, I really didn’t want to meet with. I got all of my homework done, went to water aerobics and got into bed at the time I had agreed with myself I would be in bed. Why am I making all of these deals with myself like I’m another person?? I have this set way of how I must complete things or how I think they should be done and there is no give, for me or any other person in my life, and if I need some change it makes me an incapable person, and then I start harping on myself about everything else.

- My hair looks like shit, why haven’t I gotten it dyed again?

- Why did I even bother getting it dyed in the first place if I wasn’t going to bother maintaining it?

- My trash is overflowing, how can I be such a pig and not have done something about it already?

- For some reason I have ants crawling across my desk, for no reason, I have cleaned and cleaned my desk but I must still be doing something disgusting to have ants on my desk.

- I should be better at having better thoughts to replace these thoughts that are so destructive.

- I’m so exhausted and it must be because I’m doing something wrong, I’m not getting enough sleep, I’m taking care of myself.

- I’m tired from being around people and changing myself to fit to the standards that I think they need. That makes me an even more pathetic person.

- I do this all to myself therefore I deserve it.

Rockin out

8-20-06 10:50 pm

Impeccability means without sin. A sin is anything you do which goes against yourself. When you are impeccable you take responsibility for your actions, but you do not judge or blame yourself. Self rejection is the biggest sin that you commit.

Consider how many times you have gossiped about the person you love the most to gain the support of others for your point of view.

Use the word to break all those teeny tiny agreements that make you suffer.

All of humanity is searching for truth, justice and beauty. We are on an eternal search for the truth because we only believe in the lies we have stored in our mind. We are searching for justice because in the belief system we have, there is no justice. We search for beauty because it doesn’t matter how beautiful a person is, we don’t believe that person has beauty. We keep searching and searching, when everything is already within us.

To be alive is the biggest fear humans have. Death is not the biggest fear we have; our biggest fear is taking the risk to be alive, the risk to be alive and express what we really are.

In your whole life nobody has ever abused you more than you have abused yourself. And the limit of your self abuse is exactly the limit that you will tolerate from someone else. If someone abuses you a little more than you abuse yourself, you will probably walk away from that person. But if someone abuses you a little less than you abuse yourself, you will probably stay in the relationship and tolerate it endlessly.

Like a sword with two edges, your word can create the most beautiful dream, or your word can destroy everything around you.

8-24-06

Last weekend was the Mind Body Spirit expo. I learned many things and I’ll get to that later. But what I’m going to write about now and put here are correspondences between Tim and I about an issue that I’m facing. Or have decided to face and deal with. An issue that I find seems to be the center of all of my issues. Something that smacks me in the face time and time again and I am terrified of dealing with. Something that seems insurmountable but I have no choice in battling. I don’t want to live the rest of my life suffering. I want to change the dream that I live in. The dream of myself and the eyes and thoughts that I see through and I can begin this journey but it has to be active and continuous. I have to do it everyday.

So, I was wondering if I could bounce some things off of you. So much going through my mind lately. I'm sure that Sunny told you she did a reading for me and strange but none of it was news to me. But it needed to get put into words for me. It was extremely important for me to hear. But one of the things I'm realizing about myself is that I'm getting better and better about catching the thoughts that are so detrimental to me. And I'm coming to realize that some of my issues are going to be harder than others to change. The judgements about myself are the core things I need to change because those are what cause my judgements about other people. Some of those judgements are like viruses, and I'm sure that there are many I'm not conscious of. But I feel like I'm conscious of most of them. I'm so aware of everything that I do, most of my thoughts aren't the back thoughts that most people have.

Anyway, I think the hardest and most encompassing thing for me, at this moment and perhaps the thing that takes over my life the most is the judgement that I have about my body. And when I talk about myself I'm talking about my perception of my body. I realize how much I think about how I look... Not hair, or makeup, but shape and movement. And I'm not sure how to overcome this. It is painful and challenging. It would seem that I would be able to just change the way I percieve myself but its like I need new eyes. I feel like if I can get over this hill I can get over anything but I'm not sure if I can do it by myself.

Let me make that last thought clear. That means that in the past I have looked to many other people in to make me feel beautiful, to tell me I'm beautiful, whatnot. That doesn't work, I know. I don't want people to tell me I'm beautiful anymore, I want to find that in myself. I want to tell myself I'm beautiful. I'm want to love myself, and not in that bible camp, Jesusy way. I want to love myself in the real, raw, unconditional way, but, I need help finding the tools to do it. Any suggestions?

Thank you

This is the reply

Some good insights - no one outside of us can give us the love we seek. It
is impossible, no matter how hard we try or wish it. Only you can give it to
yourself, because that is where the Source is for you. Yes, I have some
thoughts...

It is a continual process of watching thoughts, questioning them and
replacing them with more positive ones. Over time, as these become habit,
the others drop away. This first step, is key no matter what else you do.

Being in a heart space - as opposed to head space - helps with a more
balanced outlook. That is why learning to truly feel gratitude helps to
shift awareness. Finding a solution to a problem from the heart space is
usually more holistic and balanced.

Meditation, meditation, meditation. I say this because guided imagery can be
invaluable to have the experience within yourself, with your Higher Self, of
feeling unconditional love. (I am listening to a lecture on developing a
relationship to your Higher Self that I would be glad to lend to you.) Some
form of meditation also helps to center yourself.

I just ordered another meditation called The Ribbon Breath Meditation that I
think would be useful. Do a search and read about it. It teaches about the
energy system, while guiding you to a more relaxed, open, loving state.

Journalling is good to get feelings out in the open rather than rattle
around in the head.

The last I can think of right now is patience. This mindset won't go away by
itself, so you are doing the best thing by facing it now. But it will take
time and effort. There may be times when it looks almost impossible. The
trick is to hang in there and maintain focus on the intention of feeling
unconditional love for yourself. By letting that be your focus, you will be
guided to people and experiences that can help you along the way. Part of
this process is learning to trust yourself.

Also, by maintaining your focus, you are telling the Universe - this is what
I want.

Speaking your truth, without apology and avoiding taking things personally
is also a great habit to develop. Speaking your truth is the active
principle of heart feeling. Feel it. Speak it. The connection is
strengthened. Be willing to appear foolish and make mistakes as you make
your way.

One last thing, consider what Unonditional Love looks like to you. It is
different for everybody. What would you feel and how would you respond? How
would you behave?

Hope that is useful -

I will add anything else, if I think of it.

Your body is the temple of your spirit. The body is not you. Your thoughts
and feelings are not you. So, who are you - and what do you want to be?

That is the million dollar question.

Wishing you the Love that you are -

Tim

PS We (humans) are all on the same journey. You are not alone.

8-27-06 9:18 am

So the past couple of weeks have been quite adventurous. I had a reading done by Heidi Kent and learned many things about myself and my life. I’m gonna be just fine and I’ve learned so many lessons from the past year of relationship. I’m finding now that I need to fall in love with me and that’s what I’m doing. I’m falling in love with life. And I feel so much better. Its not a quick fix, I still battle everyday with myself, changing my thought processes but those have started to change, I’m feeling different towards myself and whatnot. I’m bringing more and more people into my life and attracting people and also telling people yes and no when I want to. My judgements towards people are starting to go away and I’m forgiving myself for so much. I’m really enjoying my time by myself, working on school work and walking to class in the mornings by myself and being in random coffee shops to study and learn and be all up in some Higgins. I’ve been taking that time out in the mornings to meditate on the things that are bothering me or I’ve just been thinking about and learning about myself and the other things. Learning about what the universe is bringing me and teaching me. On the path to nirvana… On the way J. Feels so good finally. To move out from the bottom of that bucket and start on a path towards something good and wonderful

Matches

8-14-06 10:08 pm

I miss kissing Shannon after he was done smoking. That’s weird. I know. But sometimes I love that taste. That smell on your fingers, that metallic taste on the lips. The way you get high when you’re falling into that person’s arms when they want you so bad. That was high school. I believe in rainstorms that wash away all of those graveyards that I can’t change. I believe in animal instincts. I believe in Carlitos and Steve. I believe in crushes. I believe in being single. I believe in broken hearts and driving around in the middle of the night screaming with your music. I believe in black kitty cats and green trees. I believe in being lost forever. I believe in missing someone so bad your heart cracks when you think about them. I believe in a needle and thread, the type that you have to carry in your back pocket to sew things back together on a whim. Can you hear me? I thought wisdom and love would set me free. I believe in being sad, and putting on happy put together face. I believe in wishing to disappear of the face of the earth. Thinking things would be better if I stay, so long, and goodnight. I believe in stars, and full moons that pull you in. I believe in sleeping forever. I believe in cars that haunt you in your dreams. Light reflections and banisters. I believe in wishing to share your deepest darkest and lightest thoughts with someone. Wishing someone could understand your genes. I believe in being sick to your stomach.

Lone

I caught myself before I said the things that you could never understand
And I stopped the world from spinning as I searched into your eyes
But things never look as simple once I get past your disguise

I smile and fake another feeling just to pass the time
I know that's what you expect of me
I tell you I feel nothing when you ignore me -- I don't mind
I know that's what you expect of me

I let you believe you know me when you haven't learned a thing
And I let your opinions form before I even said a word
Because I knew if I spoke to you I could never be heard

I kiss your lips and I forget I even cared at all
I know that's what you expect of me
I tell you it doesn't matter when you forget to call
I know that's what you expect of me

I quiet the noise inside my heart that threatens to betray
All the painful feelings that I've tried to lock away
I know these are things you'd never want to see
Because I know that's not what you expect of me

I focus on the conversations we may never get to have
Though you may not expect this of me
I let you see some stupid happy girl who doesn't know how to be sad
Because I know that's what you expect of me

8-9-06 10:31 am

I had dreams about people I hadn’t seen in years last night. It was really weird. I dreamed about Zach Cosgrove, Aaron Fowler, James Lewis, and Chris Fox. All boys that were friends of mine in high school. Except for Aaron. But Zach and James and Chris were all buddies of mine, especially junior and senior year. But I dreamed mostly about Chris… Chris was a year older than me and when he graduated he went into the army and the last I heard of him was probably three years ago when he was deployed to Iraq from Texas.

8-13-06 12:16 am

A lot on my mind lately… I find myself extremely restless. I think I’m bored. I want to go to sleep, I have to work tomorrow. But I know I won’t be able to sleep… I woke up last night at 3:00 and wasn’t able to get back to sleep. I’ve had a headache for the past three or four days that I can’t seem to shake. It’ll go away for an hour or so and then just come back. Its starting to get to me. I’m feeling a little numb, a little empty, maybe a little sad. Really restless. I wanna go out and find an adventure, with someone that I love in that way. I keep having dreams about walking through the dark with a quiet companion. I’m lonely. I guess I like having someone in my life to care about and love because it’s not boring. That may sound stupid, I don’t know. I don’t know anything anymore… I suppose I don’t have anything deep to say.

Stealing Kisses

8-6-06 11:30 pm

Oh, this past week was good for my soul. I’m feeling so much better, I’ve managed to pull myself through this with the help of some dear friends and I’m back on my own two feet. Not getting washed away or pulled down by something I can’t control. I feel so much more powerful within myself and I’m not trying to control everything else outside of me, and that feels so good. I went by Chad’s house to take his swim trunks to him, the ones that he left in Virginia, and he had some stuff of mine that I guess I had forgotten. He was upset, he looked like shit, and he looked sad and broken. He said I could have my bike back after telling Chris that he was going to keep it because I had either stolen or broken over $400 worth of his things. And also posting on his website that I had put a virus on his computer. I asked him about this and he said all of these things were out of anger and that I could have the bike back. I feel really bad for him, like, my heart goes out to him and I want to make it all better and take all of his pain away. But the problem here is, this is all his own doing and as much as it pains me to see a person that I loved so much hurting I can’t take care of him anymore. I’ve never doubted, even from the beginning, even from that moment of realization what was happening, or what had been happening that I would forgive him. But my forgiveness is not for him, its for me. I don’t see any point in holding on to that anger and sadness, it serves no purpose. But I won’t forget, and I won’t ever trust.

I don’t see Chad completely disappearing from my life for the sole reason that we have so many of the same friends. But he’s a bump in the road for me and its time for me to move on.

Amelia Badelia

8-1-06 5:33 pm

Everyone’s at the beach. This has been such a peaceful day, such a peaceful trip in general. More and more I’m realizing how much I love family, my family, and home. I can make home anywhere I go and I revel in it. I bought a fishing pole and learned how to go surf fishing with my dad yesterday. My brother taught me how to cast successfully. Didn’t get to do it for long because it started lightening but very fun, and something I get to do with my dad and brother. Today I made soap with my mom, sister and sister in law. Last night, I had dart gun fights all over the house with everyone. I am at ease. Even with the demons in my head that pass behind my eyes and haunt me, peace is so easy to find. The sound of kids running through the house, giggling and playing together is the best sound in the world. God, waking up in the morning and having Grace running up to me and grabbing me in a big bear hug. Having Andrew on one leg and Grace on the other because one was sitting with me and the other got jealous and wanted to sit in my lap too. I could live like this for the rest of my life. My mom looked at me yesterday and said, hurry up and start your commune. I have in the past two years been through the shittiest parts of my life and felt so displaced from these people, but here I am, falling in, not as a complete individual, but a part of something beautiful, incredible and dynamic. I’m ok with not being individual, and not standing out because we are all a part of it and we all make the wheels turn and it is so fascinating.

I’ve done a lot of thinking about Chad and everything. I get pangs of searing pain and I’m still hurting pretty bad. I’m a little displaced from the pain because I don’t have much of an opportunity to brood, but I really think that’s ok. I was watching my brother and his wife and how they interact and its so cool. They are incredibly private people and so I don’t know much about their relationship but they are so sweet and loving and their son’s disposition is a testament of what goes on in their household. Andrew is precious. But Josh and Andrew were out playing in the ocean and Lynn was watching them and Josh came and grabbed Lynn’s hand and pulled her out with them and held her and all the way and they stayed together in this little bundle with their 4 year old son between them. You could just see the love and understanding between them. Josh sat in here while we played with soap and beads and whatnot and played on the computer, he found something to occupy himself but he was available and he wasn’t blatantly uninterested. He was supportive and loving. If I end up with someone I want them to be like that. They don’t have to be with me all the time or be completely interested in what I do, but not obviously and vocally uninterested in my passions just because they are female. I’m tired of being stereotyped because I don’t fit in any box. Chad always tried to fit me in a nice little box and he never could and it always caused fights. And he always thought he had to disappear when any sort of craft of female thing came around. Even if one or more females were involved in a conversation, “Uh oh! Woman thing! I’m out, I’m a male and too good for this.” He was going to come to the beach with me this week, and you know what would have happened? He would have been in that back bedroom all day with Connor playing video games. It wouldn’t have been ok for me to sit on the beach all day and read, or take naps or do what I wanted to do because he doesn’t know how to entertain himself. He would have been completely uncomfortable sitting at the table for more than 20 minutes with my family just chatting about nothing. I want someone to love me because I’m Hannah, not because I’m female, and not because I just happened to be the best thing so far that popped into their lives. I want them to appreciate the things that I have such a passion for just because they love me. Just the way I picked up interest in computer games that in the past I wouldn’t have had interest in because that was Chad’s thing. I want someone who’s passionate and mind boggling and fun and laid back, who can hold their own with my family and can also just sit and do nothing. Someone who can take a walk fast because they wanna get in shape but stop quickly with me because they see a cool animal or flower. I want all these things because I know how much I give to the people I love, how much I gave to Chad. How much I bent and broke for him. How much I loved him, and gave and gave and gave, and never got back. I think for awhile he really tried, he really did, but I don’t think he was truly capable.

8-3-06 11:59 pm

Today has been a weird day. Had a lot on my mind. I’m getting to the point that I’m ready to go home. I’m starting to get a little frustrated with my mom and my sister, but I’m also trying to look at it from another perspective. Its me not feeling good enough. Nothing I ever do is good enough, and so much of it is in my head. I was walking along the beach tonight and realized that it was all in my head and I could make it so that everything was good enough for me. I don’t have to spend the rest of my life looking the mirror hating what I see and hating what I do, berating myself for the rest of my life. So much going on in my head.

I’ve had dreams the past couple of nights. One was of a guy, a new guy, someone familiar to me, perhaps he was familiar to me in my dreams but not that I know now. We were intimately inclined in my dream, not having sex, but I had my legs wrapped around each other but he wouldn’t let it lead to sex, and I knew that it wasn’t because he didn’t want me, but because he loved me and he didn’t want me to lose myself in him. Then last night I had a dream about Andre, I dreamed that I was looking at mail and he was standing next to me and he just grabbed me and whispered into my ear and said, I just want to eat you, I want to have all of you inside me, I want to love you and hold you forever. I woke up from that dream laying in my bed really feeling like someone had been holding me. I don’t know, made me think a lot about sex and relationships. About what I want and don’t want. I’m not going to be forced into anymore relationships. I’ve been tempted in the past to get into relationships to save someone else, or to teach them about relationships… I don’t want that anymore, I’m ready for the real thing or nothing at all. I want to date around and be casual with no strings and no commitments, and friends with benefits but I don’t want to be taking care of anyone else. I’m so looking forward to going back to school and not having to juggle a relationship. I’m ready to concentrate on me. I don’t know how I feel about sex anymore. I think that something came to me today… I think that one of the things that might have come to me today was that my sexuality is a big part of me but its also one of the only things that I think I have to offer. I have so much more to offer than that and I need to show that to myself, and I need to start feeling like more than a piece of meat. What I reflect is what I get, and the law of attraction is really important. I want to get the beauty back that I had last year and quit feeling so gross. I can put both my feet back on the ground and move on. I am gonna be just fine…