8-29-06 8:51 am

Something is going on inside me and I’m having a hard time figuring out what it is. I started feeling it yesterday. I wasn’t feeling nearly as with it and happy and upbeat and in touch as I was and then this morning I woke up and just did not want to be awake. The problem is, I don’t know why. For some reason I feel like I wasn’t as productive yesterday, but I was, I got a lot done. I’m mad at myself for taking a nap, which is stupid, I was so tired. I’m mad at myself for being tired, I feel like I shouldn’t be, like there is no reason for me to be tired already in the semester. Like taking a nap was letting myself down, and the reason why I feel like I was letting myself down was because I could have been doing something else during that time, and, I’m afraid I’ll get my body in the habit of wanting to sleep during the day, and somewhere along the line I learned that was a bad thing. The thing is, I got everything accomplished yesterday that I had planned on accomplishing, aside from meeting with someone, I really didn’t want to meet with. I got all of my homework done, went to water aerobics and got into bed at the time I had agreed with myself I would be in bed. Why am I making all of these deals with myself like I’m another person?? I have this set way of how I must complete things or how I think they should be done and there is no give, for me or any other person in my life, and if I need some change it makes me an incapable person, and then I start harping on myself about everything else.

- My hair looks like shit, why haven’t I gotten it dyed again?

- Why did I even bother getting it dyed in the first place if I wasn’t going to bother maintaining it?

- My trash is overflowing, how can I be such a pig and not have done something about it already?

- For some reason I have ants crawling across my desk, for no reason, I have cleaned and cleaned my desk but I must still be doing something disgusting to have ants on my desk.

- I should be better at having better thoughts to replace these thoughts that are so destructive.

- I’m so exhausted and it must be because I’m doing something wrong, I’m not getting enough sleep, I’m taking care of myself.

- I’m tired from being around people and changing myself to fit to the standards that I think they need. That makes me an even more pathetic person.

- I do this all to myself therefore I deserve it.