7-7-06 3:23
In about 30 minutes I’m going to start getting ready for my second date with Chad. I’m feeling a little better today, definitely less emotionally attached than I was yesterday. This week has been a journey of lives. I really don’t have any expectations for this date except that I know how I feel. I feel like I’m not nearly as invested as I was and I don’t think I ever could be again. I think my faith in this boy has gone out the window. Don’t really have any desire to develop it again. That does make me a little sad because I fear what his expectations are. I’ve got a job now and I’m going to start making my own stability. This I can afford myself, this, is one of the things I was so afraid of losing. I needed to mourn or grieve or whatever but I’m definitely feeling as if I can pull myself out of this one and I will no longer be dangling by his string. Not really sure what else to say, all of my thoughts are discombobulated… I will say, part of me does regret letting myself fall, I tried to stop it for so long, and I guess I just got weak and let my defenses down. I don’t regret much, but this I’m thinking so, I’m finding it hard to find the good in this one.
There Is No Good Reason
I should have to be so alone
I'm smothered by this emptiness
Lord I wish I was made of stone
Like I fool I lent my soul to love
And it paid me back in change
God help me
Am I the only one who's ever felt this way?
A heart that’s worn and weathered
Would know better than to fight
But I wore mine like a weapon
Played out love like a crime
And it wrung me out and strung me out
And it hung years on my face
Now my sense of humor needs a break
I see a shadow in the mirror
And she’s laughing through her tears
One more smile’s all I can fake
There is a wound inside me
And its bleeding like a flood
There’s times when I see a light ahead
And hope is not enough
As another night surrounds me
And it pounds me like a wave
God help me, and I the only one who’s ever felt this way?
