Amelia Badelia

8-1-06 5:33 pm

Everyone’s at the beach. This has been such a peaceful day, such a peaceful trip in general. More and more I’m realizing how much I love family, my family, and home. I can make home anywhere I go and I revel in it. I bought a fishing pole and learned how to go surf fishing with my dad yesterday. My brother taught me how to cast successfully. Didn’t get to do it for long because it started lightening but very fun, and something I get to do with my dad and brother. Today I made soap with my mom, sister and sister in law. Last night, I had dart gun fights all over the house with everyone. I am at ease. Even with the demons in my head that pass behind my eyes and haunt me, peace is so easy to find. The sound of kids running through the house, giggling and playing together is the best sound in the world. God, waking up in the morning and having Grace running up to me and grabbing me in a big bear hug. Having Andrew on one leg and Grace on the other because one was sitting with me and the other got jealous and wanted to sit in my lap too. I could live like this for the rest of my life. My mom looked at me yesterday and said, hurry up and start your commune. I have in the past two years been through the shittiest parts of my life and felt so displaced from these people, but here I am, falling in, not as a complete individual, but a part of something beautiful, incredible and dynamic. I’m ok with not being individual, and not standing out because we are all a part of it and we all make the wheels turn and it is so fascinating.

I’ve done a lot of thinking about Chad and everything. I get pangs of searing pain and I’m still hurting pretty bad. I’m a little displaced from the pain because I don’t have much of an opportunity to brood, but I really think that’s ok. I was watching my brother and his wife and how they interact and its so cool. They are incredibly private people and so I don’t know much about their relationship but they are so sweet and loving and their son’s disposition is a testament of what goes on in their household. Andrew is precious. But Josh and Andrew were out playing in the ocean and Lynn was watching them and Josh came and grabbed Lynn’s hand and pulled her out with them and held her and all the way and they stayed together in this little bundle with their 4 year old son between them. You could just see the love and understanding between them. Josh sat in here while we played with soap and beads and whatnot and played on the computer, he found something to occupy himself but he was available and he wasn’t blatantly uninterested. He was supportive and loving. If I end up with someone I want them to be like that. They don’t have to be with me all the time or be completely interested in what I do, but not obviously and vocally uninterested in my passions just because they are female. I’m tired of being stereotyped because I don’t fit in any box. Chad always tried to fit me in a nice little box and he never could and it always caused fights. And he always thought he had to disappear when any sort of craft of female thing came around. Even if one or more females were involved in a conversation, “Uh oh! Woman thing! I’m out, I’m a male and too good for this.” He was going to come to the beach with me this week, and you know what would have happened? He would have been in that back bedroom all day with Connor playing video games. It wouldn’t have been ok for me to sit on the beach all day and read, or take naps or do what I wanted to do because he doesn’t know how to entertain himself. He would have been completely uncomfortable sitting at the table for more than 20 minutes with my family just chatting about nothing. I want someone to love me because I’m Hannah, not because I’m female, and not because I just happened to be the best thing so far that popped into their lives. I want them to appreciate the things that I have such a passion for just because they love me. Just the way I picked up interest in computer games that in the past I wouldn’t have had interest in because that was Chad’s thing. I want someone who’s passionate and mind boggling and fun and laid back, who can hold their own with my family and can also just sit and do nothing. Someone who can take a walk fast because they wanna get in shape but stop quickly with me because they see a cool animal or flower. I want all these things because I know how much I give to the people I love, how much I gave to Chad. How much I bent and broke for him. How much I loved him, and gave and gave and gave, and never got back. I think for awhile he really tried, he really did, but I don’t think he was truly capable.

8-3-06 11:59 pm

Today has been a weird day. Had a lot on my mind. I’m getting to the point that I’m ready to go home. I’m starting to get a little frustrated with my mom and my sister, but I’m also trying to look at it from another perspective. Its me not feeling good enough. Nothing I ever do is good enough, and so much of it is in my head. I was walking along the beach tonight and realized that it was all in my head and I could make it so that everything was good enough for me. I don’t have to spend the rest of my life looking the mirror hating what I see and hating what I do, berating myself for the rest of my life. So much going on in my head.

I’ve had dreams the past couple of nights. One was of a guy, a new guy, someone familiar to me, perhaps he was familiar to me in my dreams but not that I know now. We were intimately inclined in my dream, not having sex, but I had my legs wrapped around each other but he wouldn’t let it lead to sex, and I knew that it wasn’t because he didn’t want me, but because he loved me and he didn’t want me to lose myself in him. Then last night I had a dream about Andre, I dreamed that I was looking at mail and he was standing next to me and he just grabbed me and whispered into my ear and said, I just want to eat you, I want to have all of you inside me, I want to love you and hold you forever. I woke up from that dream laying in my bed really feeling like someone had been holding me. I don’t know, made me think a lot about sex and relationships. About what I want and don’t want. I’m not going to be forced into anymore relationships. I’ve been tempted in the past to get into relationships to save someone else, or to teach them about relationships… I don’t want that anymore, I’m ready for the real thing or nothing at all. I want to date around and be casual with no strings and no commitments, and friends with benefits but I don’t want to be taking care of anyone else. I’m so looking forward to going back to school and not having to juggle a relationship. I’m ready to concentrate on me. I don’t know how I feel about sex anymore. I think that something came to me today… I think that one of the things that might have come to me today was that my sexuality is a big part of me but its also one of the only things that I think I have to offer. I have so much more to offer than that and I need to show that to myself, and I need to start feeling like more than a piece of meat. What I reflect is what I get, and the law of attraction is really important. I want to get the beauty back that I had last year and quit feeling so gross. I can put both my feet back on the ground and move on. I am gonna be just fine…