Cloudy skies

7-6-06 9:49 pm

So, I thought I was just going to take some Nyquil and sink into a drugged sleep, but alas, I slept for a bit undrugged and woke up feeling a little better. I’ve still got so much going through my mind. I talked to Aaron for awhile about it and he was really helpful. He asked me what Chad hoped to accomplish with this starting over thing. I told him I wasn’t really sure. It was a very good question. I think that this isn’t going to work. I think I’m not in a capacity right now to date and that’s what he wants to do. I don’t know how to date, never really done it before and right now, if I’m dating I want to be dating multiple people I think. I have that option because we are no longer exclusive but do I really have that option??

I gave a guy my number at open mic night last night. More than anything I think it was to show myself that I could do it. I don’t really care if he calls, he was cute and an incredible guitar player but, it was a testament to myself that I was able to stumble through the words of giving a guy my number.

I am confused and I think a little frustrated. Like I said I feel like I’ve been disposed of just enough that I’m no longer inconvenient. Chad is no longer a form of comfort to me, when something goes wrong he will not be the person I go to anymore looking comfort. Our relationship no longer allows that sort of closeness. Someone told me today that knowing me was like coming home, that he couldn’t quite name it but that I brought some sort of comfort to people. He told me I was like hot chocolate on a winter morning. This is not someone I’m romantically linked to, this is a friend that simply said he’d wished he’d known me sooner.

Its interesting to me that I choose to love the one person that can’t love me that way. Am I trying to change him? Intellectually I don’t believe in changing people, their problems are their own and while I care my friend’s struggles and sadness and whatnot I can’t fix them. I care ever so deeply for what they are going through but there is a point when they nor I can no longer dump it on me. You can’t ask a broken person to fix broken things.

I gave me away, could have knocked off the evening
But a lonelilly landed my waltz in her hands
In a way I felt you were leaving me and I was sure I wouldn't find you at home
You let me down could have knocked off the evening
But you lonelilly let him push under your bone
You let me down, its no use deceiving
Neither of us wanna be alone, you're coming home
I gave me away, could have knocked off the evening
But I was lonelilly looking for someone to hold
In a way I lost all I believed in
And I never found myself so low
And you let me down
You could have called if you needed
But you lonelilly got yourself locked instead
And you let me down, its one thing being cheated
But you took him all the way through your bed
And now you're coming home
And I'm trying to forget you're coming
I'm trying to move on and you're coming home
And you haven't called yet you're coming home
And I'm trying to forgive you're coming home
And I'm trying to forget you're coming
And I'm trying to move on you're coming home
I gave me away
I could have knocked off the evening
But I lonelilly loomed her into my bone
You let me down, there's no use deceiving
Neither of us wanna be alone