Daggers

7-5-06 10:22am

I think it hurts. I think its going to hurt for awhile and I definitely feel like its ok to be sad. Chad and I talked last night and we came to the mutual agreement that we needed to start over. Now, both my head and my heart tell me this is ok, but it does still hurt. A lot. I feel like I’ve been broken up with. And I don’t care who you are, a relationship, no matter what it is, and no matter how bad it might be is hard to come out of. So, I find myself I guess lonely for companionship and that affection. Who knew after what four days a person could become so pathetic. I’m trying to figure out why I’m so pathetic. Or feel that way.

Why am I so hungry to have someone by my side? I think I confuse myself a lot because in the grand scheme of things I don’t spend that much time around people these days, but I do like to be social after spending sometime by myself. I think Chad was kind of my fall back plan. Now I feel kind of naked. That’s kind of terrible of me isn’t it? Using him like that? And not even knowing it. Hmmm…

7-6-06 4:34 pm

Ok, really hurting now… It really hurts, its one of those hurts that takes over and almost takes your breath away. It hurts to breath. It hurts to cry, it hurts to do anything. I’ve run from it for a couple of days, distracting myself, hiding, putting on a strong face but it has caught up. It started hurting yesterday, and I couldn’t figure out why, I knew that it was because I felt like I had been broken up with, but I couldn’t place the feelings. Now, its because I feel gotten rid of, and disposed of just enough so that I’m no longer inconvenient. He washed his sheets, piled my stuff on his kitchen table… He’s cleaning me out of his life. He had moved his bed a couple of weeks ago so that we could both get into it from either side, he moved it back. I don’t know why he did all these things, and it’s not really worthwhile to guess, but it doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt. I guess I kinda wonder if he thinks starting over is going to make me a different person, or maybe him a different person? I’m not quite sure how this is all supposed to work and I feel like I’m kind of dangling by a string… In all the relationships I’ve had in the past I’ve just fallen into them, I haven’t had to work up to them. Not saying I haven’t had to work on them, but there hasn’t been any question about being together for that time, this is new and uncharted territory. I’m to the point where I’m questioning whether I want to continue, love isn’t supposed to hurt.

It took all my strength to rescue the winter
Torn and splintered, not a sound
Came from the emptiness
The place we had entered
And all our senses in tears were drowned

A heart still breaking
Always trying to forget you