Beavers

It’s the fourth of july. It’s been a very quiet day, and I’ve enjoyed it, but I’m also a bit lonely I think. I can’t figure out if I’m lonely because I feel like I should be or I’m missing Chad, or I’m just missing that companionship. But every time I thought about calling him or iming him or something, I couldn’t stand the thought of the conversation that was bound to occur. The misunderstanding and argument that is promised to ensue. I talked to Sunny about it a little today, sometimes I get really mad when talking to her, and I’m still trying to figure out why. But we talked about how you can’t really delve in the reason behind someone’s action or why they do something because most of the time you are not correct. The things that we think someone else is thinking are generally not correct. But I think one of the biggest frustrations, and perhaps the biggest thing holding me back is that I live based on my experiences. In the past I’ve said that’s all I have, but if that’s all I have, that’s fear. So maybe there is something else to live based on, the here, the now, not what happened yesterday or ten years ago. But there are so many arguments I could produce against that. But why? It leads you to living based on expectations, which leads you to a life of disappointment because it’s so hard to achieve what you expect especially when it involves other people.

I think it’s really important to clarify something for myself. This does not mean I cannot request certain things, or enjoy things but having the attachment to those things is the key. To be able to make a request without expectations, and to be able to accept whatever the result may be. But even deeper than that, finding out why you want or desire something, or think you need something, to dig and find out the reason why(?) can then release you from that want or need. You can then gain a neutral position and that is the ultimate freedom.

So where does this lead me? I’m not quite sure. I think that I’m clarifying things for myself. I think to know that making requests is ok is really important to me. The self deprecation holds me back from knowing and accepting a lot of these things and convolutes up and down. But knowing that what has shied me away from making requests in the past is rejection is a door that has been unlocked and I’m not afraid to open that anymore. I don’t need to be afraid from rejection. If I release my expectations then there will be no more rejection.