Once again, I'm Mrs. Sob Story. I guess that's why I have an outlet eh? The pressure of Nursing School is almost unbearable at this point. There's never a guarantee that I will go on, or that I will get the grades that I've worked so hard for. Pins and needles all the time. I've got an exam tomorrow, the last one didn't go as well as I would have liked and this one could possibly make me or break me. I'm feeling inadequate.

Part of this test is on depression, and sitting through the lectures on it have been painful. I look around my class and its full of flat affects and isolated people. We're all depressed, incredibly depressed. I have never been this sad in my life, and it hurts. I wake up most mornings aching, terrified of what the day holds and fighting with every cell in my body to get out of bed. We are ants, and at any time this huge cloud could just rain down and drown me.

I had an amazing time in Aville last weekend, it was perfect, peaceful and none of the feelings that Raleigh holds for me were there. I had peeled them off with every mile as I drove home and when I got there, I was exhausted and renewed. Driving back was the challenge, many moments were spent with tears, searching for all those masks and layers that I knew I had to put back on just to survive. God I sound dramatic. I'm so tired of being sad, lonely, isolated, angry, frustrated and not ever knowing that depending on myself will get me through.

Tomorrow is Monday, the start of another week. Another week of my psych rotation, which, while I absolutely love it, is very very draining. I have already become attached to my girls. Being a teenager is so hard, and their need for escape is so desperate. They just want some relief. I can completely understand. I was asked point blank by my patient if I was ever messed up. It took a lot of strength to not answer that question. I wanted to tell her that everyone has shit they go through, being an adolescent sucks but its not forever and it does get so much better. Its amazing that I can think that considering my experiences at present. However, I think as we get older we have a better grasp on time. I know this isn't forever, it sure fucking feels like it is! I'm just hoping that there will be enough remnants of the girl that I like in myself to be able to put myself back together when its all said and done. At this time I'm hiding more and more from the outside world, but I need to not let myself do that, I need the support of all those amazing people that are there, but I've not been able to give time to.