Coming home this morning was painful. Physically difficult. I can't tell you how many times the thought ran through my head to just turn around and stay. Call A, ask him to take care of the critters, arrange for someone to pack up my shit, and stay home. When I drove into town, parked at R's, got out and heard the spring peepers down by the river, I melted. After a couple of weeks of going to sleep at night, and waking up in pain. Not being able to relax. Feeling horrible. And staying constantly stressed. I went home, and my heart and mind were calm. I slept well, I had good times with great friends. Spent some really rewarding time with family, and breathed. I got up in the morning with my sweetheart and went to our favorite bakery and drank coffee and sat outside and talked. Then we went with the fam to the woods and the water. Listened to that joyful sound, played with the kids and laughed and giggled like children. It rips me open every time I have to leave that feeling.
I live a double life. The one here, and the one there. Here is school, work, good friends, my sweet sweet critters and complete independence. There, is family, support, love, happiness, joy, laughter, comfort and stability.
And I say all this, sitting in my beloved apartment. The one I worked so hard to make my own. I can walk around at night in the dark. I can curl up in my chair and watch movies. I can crawl into bed with my sweet kitties. This is all joyful on many levels. But there's a dark hole here. The one that sucks me in. The one that leaves me feeling very very depressed.
Its seems that I put quite a bit of energy into not thinking about what I'm doing. I'm trying to numb out and take one day at a time. Suck it up, swallow the lump and trudge along, one foot in front of the other. that is getting me somewhere, and its moving time along. I want to wake up, and live in the moment and feel the grace that each day has to offer, but it seems impossible to get out of the slump that I've fallen into here. I desire that feeling, that freedom, that comfort of knowing that I'm following the right path at all times. God, this is scary.
So, I'm starting my psych rotation tomorrow. I'm terrified and uneasy, and anxious. I think this is going to be very hard for me. Mostly, and maybe I'm transferring these feelings, but I'm not happy about the instructor that I have for this. I think in my subconscious I've made a point to find all of the things about this to make me hate it. There's a very fine line between being aware of ones feelings and making attachments to them. So, with all that said, even if I don't quite believe it yet. I'm going to face this with my head up, and my mind open. Perhaps something really special will happen. Perhaps I will learn something about myself and others with this experience. Something that will be invaluable to the way I live the rest of my life.
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