Sassy

Its another one of those days... All the excited is gone from here and I'm stuck trying to figure out what to do with myself... Boredom, its a very dangerous thing for me... I fell asleep this afternoon and had a terrible nightmare. JB and I were stuck at this weird camp together and we decided to make a run for it. We were going through this weird jungle that had the same feel to it as that of Kimberly Ave. My mom and sister caught us and drugged both of us. JB immediately fell asleep and I caught a second wind and started to fight the sleepiness. I felt like a caged animal, completely cornered and completely carnal. We ended back at the house and N decided that she wasn't going to be a part of it anymore, but there was some sort of terribleness going on, gave me a sick feeling in my stomach and it was all perpetuated by Mom. Papa was not there and I remember calling him, begging him to come help me and when he got home he and Mom talked and he took her side. It was terrible, I don't know what happened to JB at this point. But the rents were keeping Maggie from me, it was like she was ransom, I felt like I was fighting the fight of my life and at the end of the dream I just broke down on the living room floor and felt like I was giving up. I was trying to conform to all the boxes that I had been put in, figuratively. I woke up breathing so hard and sweating and Steve was asleep next to me, but I can't shake this icky feeling. It was so vivid and I know my body was truly feeling every emotion. So here is my breakdown of the situation... I feel trapped right now, not necessarily against my will. I'm doing the trapping I believe. I'm feeling unfulfilled on many levels and I'm having a hard time gaining ground if fulfilling myself. I'm looking to other people I know, I just don't know how to stop the cycle, how to make it better, how to keep trekking and how to find encouragement in myself. I feel like I have to be all personalities for myself here. Like I have to be the supportive part, the encouraging part, the mountain climber, the shoes for the climber, the rope and the belayer. I don't feel like I can do all of that at once... What gives? How does one do it all?? Why do we have to, to be happy??