12-3-06 2:25 pm

How did it get to be December already?? There’s so much to do, and I feel like I’m falling apart and also figuring out what’s going on. The past week or so I’ve been in quite the slump and I’ve been trying really hard to figure it out, I’ve been taking out my stress and depression on Steve I think. That pushed him away for a couple of days and that just made things worse. But we seem to be back on track now. Today was HMH lunch today and that was really nice, I just feel really disconnected, and I don’t think its because I’m being a bad friend, it could be. But I just don’t have time and they have jobs and stuff now and are a lot less flexible, and I don’t know. Don’t really feel like I belong anymore, I’ve felt that way before, but this time there seems to be something to it. I’m just being humored. I feel like I’m having to prove myself to everyone, including Steve’s friends and I’m lost.

There are so many things going on in my head and I’m talking it out to myself. I hate school. I don’t think I can do it, I don’t think I have the intelligence or motivation anymore. I just don’t have it in me. I love microbiology, but I don’t really want to have to go to more school after undergrad, and I don’t think I want to be stuck in the mundane life of labwork for the rest of my life. There’s just no passion there anymore. And I feel like I’m a terrible person for not being able to do it, but I just can’t keep pushing myself. I’m so unhappy, and so broken when it comes to school. I can’t believe I let this beat me, I can’t believe I can’t get back on track after being sick. What a loser. I’m going to have to tell my parents about this, and they are going to be so disappointed in me. But I can’t keep this up for them, I can’t finish something that is so tortuous for them. I just don’t know what to say. I have passions that lay elsewhere. I would love to be a nurse, an EMT a PA. I like medicine, always have, but never thought that was an option. But I’m going to explore my options, see what Wake Tech has to offer. It hurts to write this out, put it in words, then its real.

I think there’s something really wrong with me. I think I’m incredibly unstable and in a constant uphill battle to be happy. Is that normal? There’s so much joy in life, so many simple pleasures but they seem so dampened by the fact that I can’t seem to make life work like society wants me to. I have no idea what I want to do… Now I know how Matt feels, but he’s found the courage to do what he wants, and he doesn’t lose himself in changing what he wants to do. He’s ok with that, and I’ve defended him so much and been so proud of him for following his heart. Maybe I should start taking my own advice, I’m 22 I have the rest of my life to live. I don’t necessarily have to have a bachelor’s degree to be on the same level as my friends.

I held you like a lover

Happy and an elbow in the appropriate place

And we ignored our others

Happy plans with a delicate look upon your face

Our bodies moved in heart

Hurting parts of your garden with no room for a party

In a place where no one knows what we have done

Do you come together ever with him?

Is he dark enough, enough to see your light?

Do you brush your teeth before you kiss?

Do you miss my smell?

Is ha bold enough to take you on?

Do you feel like you belong?

Does he drive you wild or just mildly free?

What about me?

Well, you held me like a lover

Sweaty hands and a foot in the appropriate place

We used cushions to cover happy glands in the mild eschew of our disgrace

And our minds pressed in guard while our flesh disregarded the lack of space

For the lighthearted in the boom that beats our drum

I know I make you cry, I know sometimes you wanna die

But do you really live without me

So be free, if not leave him for me

Before one of us has accidental babies

You can hold her hand
And show her how you cry
Explain to her your weakness
So she understands:
And then roll over and die!

You can brave decisions
Before you crumble up inside
Spend your time asking
Everyone else's permission:
And then run away and hide!

You can sit on chimneys
And put some fire up your ass!
No need to know
What you're doing or waiting for:
But if anyone should ask?
Tell them I've been licking coconut skins
And we've been hanging out!
Tell them God just dropped by to forgive our sins
And relieve us our doubt

You can hold her eggs
But your basket has a hole
You can lie between her legs
And go lookin' for:
Tell her you're searching for her soul!

You can wait for ages
And watch your compost turn to coal
But time is contagious:
Everybody's getting old.

You can sit on chimneys
And put some fire up your ass!
No need to know
What you're doing or looking for:
But if anyone should ask?
Tell them I've been cooking coconut skins
And we've been hanging out!
Tell them God just dropped by to forgive our sins
And relieve us our doubt.