Grey, grey room

I’ve been pretty depressed and in just a generally bad mood the past couple of days. I don’t really know what’s up except that I was and am very much PMSing. It’s a terrible feeling indeed. I also realized that I’m not getting enough alone time. Its important to me to have time to write and listen to music and be by myself, and I just haven’t been giving myself the chance to do that. This past weekend was tons of fun, but fun doesn’t replace my soul time. Friday night Steve had a show and it was tons of fun. I wish that I had some friends there with me, for the selfish reason that I hate standing by myself in a big crowd, but also because I really want to share my new life with them. I don’t know, Nate and Emily and Noel showed up, but I see them super often, they are Fresh Market folk so… Then Saturday night Aaron and Mike came over and we grilled out and had a fabulous dinner, it was really nice to be able to show Aaron the new place and he loved it. But it was also nice to just have some chill time with friends and Steve. I love Steve’s brother and friend Al, and they come over a lot but I’m still adjusting to lots of things and I feel a little disconnected. No, I’m not complaining about anything, just making a statement about where I am in life. On top of the craziness this weekend, Steve and I haven’t been seeing very much of each other, we finally had a night to ourselves last night, but that after working all weekend and both of us being incredibly exhausted, and me being in a terrible mood didn’t help.

I feel like I’ve lost touch with some of my principles and some of the things I’m trying to live by. I keep worrying what Steve thinks of me. That’s not my problem, if he doesn’t like the way I am, that’s ok. All I’ve got is me. That’s all I can give. And Steve absolutely has nothing to do with it, he’s so funny because I’ll complain about something about myself and he just won’t even respond. I’ve done a lot of thinking about that, most people would just say, “No, you look great.” Or something else but that just leads to a person needing more and more assurance that everythings ok. It doesn’t matter what they say it won’t change how you really feel about yourself. You have to be the one that’s encouraging and loving of yourself. And we have to have the trust in others that if something we do or say is not ok with them they will let us know. But we have to be able to communicate those same things ourselves. If we don’t, its not their fault, its our problem entirely. But on top of that, its important to remember that just because we make a request for someone not to do or say something, that we can’t have any expectations about the outcome. That’s the difference I think, that’s where its not trying to change someone. So incredibly important to remember.

So, at this time of month, I’m more vulnerable than ever. Emotionally I’m hurting, and there is really no reason except that my uterus and hormones hate me. I have to remember that in two days, all the eyebrow wrinkles and feeling fat are gonna go away. For the first time in my life I haven’t been feeling fat all the time, I’ve felt beautiful all the time, so when the fatness comes around I don’t know how to deal with it and it just gets worse. Bad cycle yo.

I needed to write, I needed the time that it took me to walk to class this morning to listen to my new cds, which are incredible by the way. I needed to be out of the house for a bit and in my head. I feel much better now, and I can go back to Steve and not feeling like I’m taking a bunch of nonsense out on him. He doesn’t deserve anything but the real Hannah, not the baggage, not the bullshit, not the periodness. Just the happy Hannah that I’ve really become, the one that loves herself and life in generally. Speaking of which, I love all of you who read this so much, and I miss you all like crazy. Mwah!