Dear Papa

So I called my parents last night to see how they were doing, and because I wanted to tell them I love them... I talked to both of them about Jane's passing. We talked about her committing suicide and the peace I actually feel about it. Why my other dear friends and I have come to believe that this was part of her journey, that there was no desperation involved.. So Papa emailed me back today, and below are the emails we exchanged... Gosh I love my family sooooooo much!

Good to talk to you last night.

 

I wanted to say, “Don’t get any ideas!”  But I didn’t want to chance upsetting Mom and Nell.

 

I don’t want to bad-mouth your friend, because you obviously loved her.  But some people would say that suicide is the most selfish act someone can commit.   I don’t think that is always true, but I’m no expert.  However, it seems that most suicides are acts of desperation.  Still, in cases like Field Marshall Rommel, when you are faced with dying by your own hand or by firing squad, I can even admire the act.

 

I feel contempt for Robert McNamara, Johnson’s Secretary of Defense and architect of the Vietnam War.  A few years back, in a long documentary,  he admitted that the Johnson Administration realized it couldn’t win the war early on, yet they continued to send the best of America into the meat grinder.  There was a mea culpa, but no penance.  I don’t know how he can live with himself.  He’s nothing but a war criminal.   It would be justice served if he ended his life.

 

Unfortunately, your friend probably won’t be able to share what she has found on the other side except in the most indirect way.  If she were still with us, she could actively share her spirituality with others.  I would call that a real gift.  As it is, all you have is memories and a sense of her presence.

 

Luv,

 

Papa

Hi Papa Bear,

  Thanks for listening to me last night... There's no way in hell I would get any ideas like Jane's. And like Bill said the other night, "I don't understand, or like her decision but I'll damn well honor it." When I first found out about all of this, I was so incredibly angry at Jane, I thought how selfish could she be to not only take her own life, but to set it up so her best friend would find her!

   I'm not angry with her anymore because, while I don't believe her decision is right, I know why she did it. Its a weird way around things I know, but, last night after talking to you and Mom about it I settled on maybe this is just a way for us to cope... Ya know?? It is a nice way to think of things, that she was completely at peace, and wholly thought that this was her only chance at moving to a higher level.

   I have found much comfort in the teachings and belief of a life of little struggle. Keeping in conscious thought that we don't have to be miserable. I have found myself in the past few years sinking into a feeling of self pity and self disregard. I've struggled with self esteem and with being ok with who I am. Maybe its just that I'm growing up, but I find myself on much more even ground. Being alright with myself. That I don't have the power to change anything in this world but myself. So, I find myself happily plodding along in this constant state of grace and peace. There might be a storm going on all around me but I don't have to have it inside. Much like Jesus and the disciples on the boat.

   My childlike wonder is reappearing, and I feel as if my happiness shines all around me. People would never approach me before, but they do now. Customers come up at work and just start long, amazing conversations with me, my neighbors have welcomed me into their homes and into their family. I feel abundance all around me.

   These people that have reappeared in my life because of Jane are striving for the same thing, a higher level of consciousness. And they have so much to teach me, and for the first time ever, I feel as if I have something amazing to give to them. Its astounding...

   This is not to say that I don't have my bad days. Those days when all I wanna do is to stay inside away from people, and sleep. But I've come to terms with being compassionately vigilant. I sit with myself during those times, there is nothing wrong, that it will pass over me, and tomorrow, I'll get to the be the bright bubbly person that I am when I'm with others.

  So, as I told you last night, I appreciate you. I feel like I have so much of your goodness in me. You have been accepting and loving towards me with your willingness to listen and think with me. You were the first person I can remember that gave me an inkling that there is magic all around us. My closeness with nature, and my connection with animals was certainly taught and fostered by you. Thank you Papa. I know that I've never been this open with you, and that it doesn't weird you out but I realized that I've never truly expressed to you my gratitude and admiration... You have truly, with human imperfections and all been an amazing father and teacher. I look forward to the years to come, to sharing an amazing lifetime with you...

Loves!