From the very bottom to somewhere in between...

6-29-06 12:30ish am

Tonight is one of those really restless nights. I can’t stand myself, just want to crawl out of my skin and in general I just want to runaway. I want to run away from everyone, everything, just for a little bit. I’m tired of looking at the same things everyday, I’m tired of being around the same people everyday, I’m just tired. I’m so restless I’ve been dreaming, having so many weird dreams lately, can’t even begin to make them all out, some of them cool, some of them not so much. Dream of other people, in not so appropriate manners, dream of flowers, dream of doctors diagnosing friends with depression. Dream of a lot of flowers, don’t know why… But I’m getting to the point that I don’t want to wake up in the morning, I believe in other lives, and I’m so tired of this one, I’m so tired of these chains, ready for some new ones. I’m tired of my mind and my thoughts, how I always seem to come back to the same ones, tired of being connected and yet so disconnected, so numb. Tired of being angry to avoid being heartbroken. I’m not afraid of death, not afraid of how it will and could come, not afraid of much these days, except it seems, of what others think, but even now I seem to come to the point that its not worth it anymore. Its so strange… How empty and obscene I’ve become. Not that beautiful, passionate person that I once was. I miss my relationships, I miss being on the same wavelength with people, I miss those connections, I feel so lost and isolated, and I keep reaching out and grasping, and I’ll have a momentary connection, but it will be momentary and then it will be gone. In the beat of a heart, all will be lost. Not quite sure what passion is anymore, definitely not sure what it is between two people, just feel like I’m going through the motions… Not sure how much longer I can do this, how much longer I can keep this up, don’t want to be fixed anymore, just want things to flow, I just want to breath fresh air… I need to take a step back…

6-29-06 9:38am

I’m so cold this morning… So many thoughts running through my head. I had a realization last night about something that both scared and upset me. I realized that I miss the love that Matt and I had. The ease with which two people love so much was beautiful and precious. I thought I had come to terms with this, but thus the spiral of life comes again. One day, driving down Jones Franklin in the late fall I thought I had freed myself from that grasp, I let myself know that the love that we had was something that was beautiful and incredible and it was ok for me to know and accept that but it was also unique, and I would never love like that again. I’ve shied away from this, from love, and somehow placed myself in victimhood and made myself a tool for others deviance. But I’m getting off subject; I miss so badly that relationship, that love, and like I said above, and I think most importantly, before things became so difficult, that ease. We worked so well together, in a way that which words are menial. Still, to this day, I wonder, how we managed to get into the downward spiral. No matter what either of us did, there was no saving us, and I think that’s what breaks my heart the most. I tried, I tried really hard to pull us out, and in the process I made myself out to be the hero, I don’t know if I needed to feel that way or what, but all of my relationship with him I felt better than him, I was never quite equal, never quite down on his level. And right there was my biggest fault in loving him.

11:38am

I'll keep lookin' up, awaitin' your return
My greatest fear will be that you will crash and burn
And I won't feel your fire
I'll be the other hand that always holds the line
Connectin' in between your sweet heart and mine
I'm strung out on that wire

And I'll be on the other end, To hear you when you call
Angel, you were born to fly, If you get too high
I'll catch you when you fall

Your memory's the sunshine every new day brings
I know the sky is calling
Angel, let me help you with your wings

When you're soarin' through the air
I'll be your solid ground
Take every chance you dare

6-30-06 12:05 am

I’m starting to feel much better. I went to go for a hike at Umstead today and for some reason I just couldn’t stop myself, I just kept driving. So much went through my head, I experienced a roller coaster of emotions on that drive, and I almost drove all the way to Asheville, but I’m not sure what stopped me. I joke and say it was the fact that I didn’t have a change of underwear but I don’t think that was really it. I think there was a lot involved. All in all I think I’m glad I came back and faced some things. I feel like I’ve done a lifetime of learning in just one day… I haven’t talked to Chad at all today. I kept wondering if he was going to call, if I should call him blah blah blah. But I’m realizing now it wasn’t so much out of need but out of habit. I think I really needed today, so much of it was by myself, and I think that’s incredibly important. I also did some other things that I needed to do. Some inappropriateness was occurring online, to be honest, I think I’m going to retire the webcam, I don’t think people are necessarily all that good at controlling themselves with such things. And somehow I understand that, they feel as if they can maintain some anonymity and do things they wouldn’t normally do in person. In that light, I’ve had to re-evaluate some things, and regain some privacy and I’ve decided to create a new screen name. Its so nice to be able to walk over to my computer and look at something and not have sixteen messages pop up. I’m a patient person, but there’s only so much that I can take. Also, in that light, I feel like I might move on to a new blog, I feel as if I have to be so sensitive to other people’s feelings and that’s not what a blog is for, a blog is for me and no one else, that’s extremely important for me to remember. I’ve also been doing some reading, the book for the bookclub, that Mel chose, its incredible, and I have some excerpts and quotes that are absolutely incredible so, if you are one of the beautiful souls that are reading this don’t read the next part

*Begin spoiler

“It was the body’s decision, a body with nor more choice of its natural history than an orchid has, or the bee it need, and so they would both get lost here…”

“This is how moths speak to each other. The wrong words are impossible when there are no words… He was covered in fur, not a man at all but a mountain with the silky, pale-green extremities and maroon shoulders of a luna moth. He wrapped her in his softness, touched her face with what seemed to be the movement of trees. His odor was of water over stones and the musk of decaying leaves, a wild, sweet aura that drove her to a madness of pure want. She pushed herself down against the whole length of him, rubbing his stippled body like a forest between her legs, craving to dissolve her need inside the confidence of his embrace. It was those things exactly, his solid strength and immensity, that comforted her as he shuddered and came into her.”

“It became nonsensical beside the fact of her naked back pressed against the soft black crumbling curved inside wall of this womb she had never shared with any twin. He held her breasts in his two hands, looking down at her. She couldn’t bear how much she loved that gaze and that touch, those palms on her nipples and those fingertips tracing her ribs and enclosing her sides, pulled her against him as if she were something small and manageable. He kissed her neck, then her collarbones… it was warm enough for nakedness, a rich, dark warmth full of the scent of sweet old wood… His hands climbed her like a tree, from ankles to knees to waist to shoulders until he cupped her face and looked into her eyes like a Gypsy trying to read the future in tea leaves… How could this be, looking in her eyes, taking hold of her braid, and wrapping it around and around his wrist until he had her cheek pinned to his forearm and turned gently away from him? She lay facedown with her head on her hands and the full length of his body against her, his penis gently pressing her solar plexus and his lips touching her temple. Between the skin of her back and his chest she could feel small prickly islands of chestnut dust… He breathed on the skin beneath her earlobe and her back arched like a reflex, like a moth drawn helpless to a flame. She had no words, but her body answered his perfectly as he slid himself down and took the nape of her neck in his teeth like a lion on a lioness in heat: a gentle, sure bite, by mutual agreement impossible to escape.”

*End spoiler

Wow this is an absolutely incredibly beautiful book… I don’t think I’ve ever been so taken by words before. It wraps you up just like a bug in a spider web, but the spider doesn’t take anything from you, it fills you with wonder. In the end, the past two days have been the lessons of a lifetime, of course not to stop there. As I’ve said before, the moment we think we’ve stopped learning, we are numb, and we can no longer be defined. I am still definable, although I don’t know what my definition is, but I’m learning that its pretty good…